“I don’t blame you for being angry.”
“I’m not angry. But I’m beginning to get bored.”
“Not as bored as I am.”
Zack was annoyed with Daniel for insisting on the role of chief sufferer
here, especially when Zack wanted to show sympathy.
“If the fun part is over,” said Zack, “you can break it off. You have no rea-
son to continue. You’re not a masochist.”
“It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”
“No, I know. But it worries me when it’s not fun. Fun makes sense. This
doesn’t.”
“That’s love for you. Love never makes sense.”
1 9 0
C h r i s t o p h e r B r a m
Zack grew more irritated with Daniel’s easy chatter, his complacent suffer-
ing. “So what made you realize he doesn’t feel so strongly about you?”
“Last night, he didn’t want to have sex,” said Daniel. “And he didn’t want
it this morning either.”
Zack waited for more. “And you got into an argument? After hearing him
and Elena go at each other, I’d hate to get into an argument with Abbas.”
“No. There was no fight,” said Daniel. “We just didn’t have sex. Last night
or this morning.”
Zack stared at him uncomfortably.
“I know it doesn’t sound like much. But it proved to me what I was begin-
ning to feel. He wants to be in love but he isn’t. He loves his work more than he
loves me, and now he wants to get back to work. He knew we were returning
today and we can’t get together again until next Sunday. He should have wanted
to make me happy. It’s not like he can show his love any other way, in conversa-
tion or favors. So that made it clear to me: He doesn’t care. It’s over.”
Zack couldn’t argue with that. He didn’t want to argue with it. “Fine then.
Good,” he said. “If it’s over, let it go.”
Daniel nodded, calmly and wisely. Then he bared his teeth and screwed his
cheeks up to his eyes, pretending to be a child throwing a tantrum. “But I
don’t want it to be over!” he cried.
Zack almost broke out laughing.
But Daniel was serious. His face remained twisted in an ugly grimace of
folded skin, his eyes close to tears.
Zack automatically leaned in to embrace him.
And Daniel leaned away. “Dammit to hell! This is my last chance! I’ll be
forty-eight in February! I want love! Dirty, dangerous love! Not the dull, safe,
friendly love I have with you!”
Zack stared at him, stunned.
Daniel stopped, amazed at his own words. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Yes, you did.”
“All right. Maybe I did. But I shouldn’t have said ‘dull.’ That was wrong.
I’m sorry it slipped out.”
“I am too.” The word had startled Zack like a slammed door. His expres-
sion remained calm and controlled, yet he felt stung, angry.
E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a
1 9 1
They sat on the sofa, afraid to look at each other, then stole one look, then
another.
Jocko remained on the floor, head raised, alertly watching.
“Zack. Listen. I don’t blame you that I’m in love with another man. I’m
not that self-centered and hypocritical.”
“That’s nice to hear.” You asshole, he thought. How dare you even think
of blaming me for falling in love with this guy.
“But the body was always more important to me than it is to you. This is a
different kind of love. It’s already ending. Please bear with me. One last fling.
It’s almost over. I’ll be my old self again. I’ll be kind again. I promise.”
“Fine then. Good.” Without noticing what he was doing, Zack had shifted
to the far end of the sofa. “But leave me out of it from now on. You don’t have
to report each and every little thing you feel or don’t feel. Like you want me to
be part of it. Because I don’t want to be part of it.”
Now it was Daniel’s turn to look hurt and confused.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” Zack declared.
“Isn’t that my line?” Daniel smiled, wanting Zack to laugh.
Zack kept his cold, dead, stone-faced look.
“Suit yourself,” said Daniel. “If that’s what you want. Because talking
about it only makes me feel worse.”
“No. Talking makes you feel better. It gives you permission to feel what-
ever you’re feeling.”
Daniel glared at him. “You don’t have a clue what I’m feeling.”
“Not anymore, I don’t.”
They sat in silence again. Zack waited for Daniel to apologize, to back