Exiles in America(27)

you. And let you know I’d love to see you again. Dammit to hell—I need to

see you again! If I fly down this afternoon, will you be available?”

It was awful being wanted like that. And embarrassing. And exciting.

Three hours later, Zack was rolling around naked with the man in a hotel

room in midtown, understanding as if for the first time why so many of his pa-

tients could forget self-interest for the sake of a meaningless lay. And it was

meaningless. They spurted, showered, and parted, happy to say goodbye, re-

lieved that they’d gotten each other out of their systems.

“It might surprise you,” Zack told Daniel over dinner that night, “but I

canceled my afternoon appointments for a quickie.”

“It does surprise me,” said Daniel. “Who was he?”

“Eugene Thomas. The guest speaker in Atlanta.”

“He followed you here?”

Zack could have lied and said he just happened to be in town, but it felt

better to tell the truth. “He came here to see me. Yes.”

Daniel’s face went blank. “Is he still here?”

“No. He took the shuttle back to Boston.”

“He’s in love with you?”

“No. He was here for sex. That’s all.”

“So who is he? What’s he like? Should I be worried?”

Zack assured him he had no cause for worry. The man was old and over-

weight and not remotely sexy. And it was over, just a couple of curiosity fucks

with a guy he’d never see again.

Daniel’s worried look was turning into a glower. “This is your way of get-

ting back at me for messing around,” he charged.

“No!” said Zack. He quietly added, “I don’t think so. And your messing

around doesn’t bother me.” He paused. “It doesn’t.”

Zack thought about it during the next few days, sorting through his emo-

tions. He found no trace of anger over Daniel’s tomcatting, only guilt that he

actually enjoyed having time alone on those nights. Yet Daniel had read anger,

and so quickly, as if he were angry with Zack. Why? Zack was shy about turn-

ing his therapeutic gaze on his partner, and not just because Daniel hated it.

They had agreed long ago that they could never be doctor and patient.

E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a

6 3

The following week the phone calls from Thomas began, not just at the of-

fice but at home.

“Please don’t call me here, Eugene. It’s a small apartment. I can’t talk.

We’re watching a movie. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Bye.”

“Why the hell are you so nice to him?” snarled Daniel. “Just tell him to get

lost.”

“Because he’s not just a trick but a friend,” said Zack. “And I enjoy talk-

ing to him.”

“You just feel sorry for him,” said Daniel bitterly.

“I do not,” said Zack. But he did.

That weekend Thomas made another visit to New York. He wanted to see

Zack again. Zack guiltily said yes. He offered to introduce Thomas to Daniel,

but Daniel said no. “I’m going out and getting laid myself tonight. Do what

you want. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Zack met Thomas at his hotel, went off to dinner, returned to the hotel,

and spent the night. He could forget about Daniel—Daniel was off having his

own fun—and sprawl in bed with Thomas after sex, talking about nineteenth-

century medicine. When Zack woke up the next morning, he felt so content

that he wondered if he was falling in love. It was not an all-consuming, exclu-

sive love, but more like a supplemental love, an extra love—like having an

extra room in their apartment. Zack badly needed an extra room.

When he got home, Daniel was already back, waiting for him. “I saw you

at Café des Artistes.”

“You were uptown?”

“I followed you. I hung out outside the hotel, then followed you to the

restaurant.”

Zack was stunned, frightened, worried.

“A fat academic with a bow tie,” snarled Daniel. “Like Senator Daniel

fucking Moynihan. What do you see in him? Why do you want to be with

him? Do you realize what an insult he is to me?”

“You? What’re you talking about? He has nothing to do with you.”

“You can go to bed with a pig like that, then come home and go to bed

with me, and you probably don’t even know the difference.”

6 4

C h r i s t o p h e r B r a m

“Daniel? What is this really about? Why are you so angry?”

“Don’t use your fucking shrink voice on me.”

Zack didn’t know how else to continue. “Daniel, don’t do this. Do I use

your tricks against you? Do I say they insult me?”