of town. But that would mean you’re jealous, and you’re never jealous. No,
you’re too selfless and perfect for that.”
E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a
3 3 3
Zack winced. “I’m hardly selfless. A little selfishness is a good thing. I ad-
mire your selfishness. Sometimes. I even envy it. It gets you out of your head
and into the world.”
Daniel stared at him in disbelief. “That is so condescending. You don’t
envy me. You think I’m a silly, shallow, selfish sex junkie who can’t help any-
body, not even himself.”
“Stop talking crap,” said Zack. “That’s absolute crap and you know it.”
He took a deep breath, keeping his temper, staying in control. “Why are we
fighting about this? We both want to protect them. This isn’t about us.”
“No, it’s never about us, is it? I’m not even sure there is an us.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
Daniel had said it only because the words were handy. But they had a
good, hard, brutal sound. “Nothing. It means I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m
going to bed. It’s your turn to walk the dog. Good night.” He hurried down
the hall to his bedroom before Zack could answer him.
He had said too much. He hadn’t said enough. Why was he so angry with
Zack? Why did he want to make Zack angry with him? He couldn’t figure it
out. Daniel suddenly felt he couldn’t do anything right. He couldn’t help peo-
ple, he couldn’t paint, he couldn’t even tell if he were in love or not unless
somebody else told him.
Daniel lay in bed in the dark, listening to Zack leave the house, then re-
turn, hoping he wouldn’t come to his room and try to make peace tonight. He
wanted them to stay unhappy with each other, for a while longer, as if pain
would prove that an us did exist.
43
Zack slept badly that night and woke up much too early the next
morning. His head was already full of Abbas and Elena. He knew he
should also be worried about himself and Daniel and the terrible things
they’d said to each other, but they could wait, they could fix themselves
later. He sat in the kitchen in the dark, eating cold cereal and trying to come
up with some kind of solution. Finally he went into his office and wrote an
e-mail:
Elena: I have thought long and hard about your proposal last night.
I am sorry but I still believe I gave you the right advice. A man
needs to be an imminent danger to himself or others before he can
be committed, and by imminent I mean fatal. However, if Abbas
tries anything with the children, call 911. The police will take your
side. The children belong to you both. If worst comes to worst, we
can get a restraining order issued. But we cannot hospitalize him. I
hope you understand my position here. Call me later this morning.
He would’ve thought of the police last night if he and Daniel hadn’t got-
ten lost in their own argument. After he wrote Elena, he stayed at his com-
E x i l e s i n A m e r i c a
3 3 5
puter to make out bills and fill in insurance forms, good, mindless busywork.
Eventually he heard Daniel in the kitchen, fixing breakfast, talking to Jocko.
Daniel left for school without knocking on the door to say goodbye.
Zack promptly called Elena.
“Hello? Oh, Zack. Yes.” She sounded remarkably calm, yet Zack couldn’t
tell if it were true calm or only exhaustion. She had already read his e-mail and
thanked him for his advice. “Yes, you are right. I see that. And I already knew,
if I put him away, he will never forgive me. But if he takes Osh, I will never
forgive him.”
“If he tries anything, Elena, call the police. Will you promise me that? And
call here. I’ll back you up, whatever you tell them. But if he runs off to Iran by
himself, remember: You’re not alone. You have friends here who want to help
you and your children.”
She was silent for a moment. “When I married a man I didn’t love, I
thought I would be spared all ugly complications. But such is not the case. We
will talk tomorrow.”
He got off the phone full of affection for Elena, her honesty and heart. He
wanted to help her, and felt guilty he couldn’t, yet Elena needed only so much
help. So why did he imagine her and the children, without Abbas, being
looked after by himself and Daniel?
Zack went on with his day, seeing patients and concentrating on their
problems. He was pleased by his ability to compartmentalize. But he ended
the afternoon with Carter Mosby, his sexual compulsive. Carter had gone to
bed two weeks ago with a young, married, born-again Christian, a handsome
cabinetmaker who’d recently begun work in Colonial Williamsburg. Carter