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and people were going to know anyway. He hoped to reduce the elaborate

tap dance around I know/you know/I know. Most of his patients were

women. He saw a few men, chiefly students from the college, but mostly it

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was women. Daniel joked that Zack was like a hairdresser for distressed

psyches.

“You have children?” he asked.

“Yes, two. A boy, Malvern, who’s a teenager. He’s seventeen. And Melissa.

Who’s twelve.”

Zack wrote everything in his notebook. “How long have you and Yancy

been married?”

“Nineteen years. Is that right? Yes. Nineteen years in October.” She

paused. “You’re going to ask me about our sex life, aren’t you?”

All patients fretted about this during their first visit; Zack admired Fay for

having the courage to come right out and ask. “Probably. But not today,” he

assured her. “Eventually.”

She smiled and took a deep breath. “I know it sounds awful, but I’m not

much interested in sex anymore.”

“It often happens when people get to be our age.” He hadn’t meant “our”

to slip out, but it did.

“It’s terribly private. Marriage. So hard to talk about. You sound mean-

spirited if you complain, or like you’re fooling yourself if you praise it. You

and your, uh, friend. How do you talk about it?”

“Fay, we’re here to discuss you today, not me.”

“Of course. I’m sorry. It’s my old-fashioned Virginia manners.” Fay let out

a nervous laugh. “It’s how I was brought up, Dr. Knowles. I feel funny doing

all the talking.”

Zack smiled kindly. “You can forget your good manners here,” he told her.

“How would you describe your marriage?”

She took another deep breath. “We’re happy. Well, as happy as anyone can

be. There are times when we don’t like each other very much. But we love

each other. We do.”

He respected her for offering such a realistic appraisal right off the bat.

She was a very intelligent, self-aware woman. She reminded him of someone.

He could not let himself be distracted by memories, yet he felt this was some-

one he liked.

“And the Rock Church helps,” she said. “It gives me and Yancy something

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to share, something to lean on. I didn’t mean to bad-mouth it earlier. Truly.

Do you believe in God?”

Zack was not totally surprised by the question. He saw a fair share of ex-

treme Christians out at the state hospital, but rarely in his private practice. For

an evangelical or fundamentalist believer, seeing a therapist was like admitting

Jesus couldn’t help. But Fay was bolder and more curious than most born-

again Christians.

“Why do you ask, Fay? Do you feel we have to think about God in the

same way for us to work together?” She didn’t need to know that she was

dealing with an atheist.

“Oh no! Not that. I was just asking. Curious. That’s all.”

Zack had a new idea. “Do your panic attacks affect your faith?”

“What do you mean?” She looked worried.

But she had brought up God and Zack thought he should explore. “They

don’t make you feel God has abandoned you? Or are they about something

else entirely?”

She stared at him as if he had insulted her. “God has nothing to do with

my attacks. They don’t put the fear of God in me, if that’s what you mean. Be-

cause I always have the fear of God. And the love!” She looked down at the

hands in her lap. “I’m not upset about God!” she argued. “I’m not upset

about the Rock Church! I’m not even upset about Reverend Donald! I don’t

know why I’m so upset. Except—” Her face snapped back up with a fierce

look of hurt. “My daughter almost died, you know!”

Zack was stunned. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” It took him a moment to re-

cover. “I can know only what you tell me, Fay. I can’t read your mind.”

“Sorry, sorry,” she whispered, lowering her head again, frightened by her

anger. “I didn’t mean to take that tone with you.”

“Don’t worry about my feelings. I have a very thick skin.” He had crossed

a line, but it gave them something valuable. “So what happened to your

daughter? This is Melissa?”

“Yes. Melissa. This was last spring. This year.”

Fay told the story in a soft, muttering tone, with many pauses and gri-

maces. Her daughter went to school one day and was fine. The kids were play-

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