Everything That Makes You(23)

Marcus would have loved it.

She burst into tears. Ryan grabbed a chair and helped her into it, while  Trent knelt by her with a tissue. She hated making a scene, but she  couldn't keep it in.

"You need anything?"

With a hiccup, Fi swallowed the latest round of sobs and looked up at  Jackson. He stood in front of her, looking annoyed, flustered, and  exhausted all at once. She stood, too, wiping her cheeks with her palms.  She would not have Jackson looking down on her. She would not be weak  with him.                       
       
           



       

"I'll be fine," she said. They were still by the door-Fi hadn't even made it four steps inside before breaking down.

He pointed over his shoulder to the back of the house. "There's food and stuff back there."

Food. This place never had normal food just sitting out, where Marcus might accidentally inhale dairy. "Okay."

The two stared at each other, and Fi wasn't sure what to do. Her mother  broke the tension. "Jackson, I am so sorry for your loss," she said,  placing her hand on his arm.

Jackson looked at Mrs. Doyle's hand on his arm and then at Mrs. Doyle. "Thanks."

"Marcus was . . . well, he was wonderful, wasn't he?"

Jackson stepped backward. "I should check in with my parents."

Mrs. Doyle brought her hand away from Jackson, resting it on Fi's back instead. "Of course," her mom said.

"Still a charmer, isn't he?" Trent muttered as Jackson walked away.

"Shush." Gwen poked him in the side. "His brother just died."

Trent shrugged, and Fi sank back into her chair. She wasn't there long  before Will the Cousin came looking for her. "Aunt Ellen and Uncle Peter  wanted you to come back to the family room. Meet some of the family-if  you're up to it."

"Of course," she said, faking her mother's calm.

The group of them walked through the house, Will fielding some pats on  the shoulder as they went. In the family room, Fi stalled in front of  the photos.

She'd always loved this room, how all four walls were covered in  pictures-big ones, little ones, black-and-white, color-all hung with no  particular pattern, just a chaos of family memories. Nearly all were  from at least four years ago, when Marcus was still let out of the  house.

"He was such a cute baby," Mrs. King said, standing beside her.

Fi pointed to one of Marcus and Jackson together. Their arms were looped  around each other's shoulders, like they might choke each other with  brotherly affection. "How old are they?"

"Six? Maybe that's the zoo?" She tapped the frame, her finger lingering  on the space over Marcus's shoulder. "That looks like a cage, doesn't  it?" Shaking her head, she scanned the wall of photos. "There are so  many here. It's hard to remember each one."

"They were adorable."

Mrs. King nodded, smiling. "Couldn't keep them apart."

Fi looked over her shoulder to Jackson, who stood in a corner, his hand  wrapped around the back of his neck as he stared out the window. "Will  he be all right?"

Mrs. King followed Fi's gaze and sighed. "I hope so."

Fi felt the tears burning in her eyes, her throat. Even though meeting  Marcus's family would be the polite, proper thing-what her mother would  do-Fi pointed to the sliding glass doors against the rear wall. "I might  go get some air."

"Take your time," said Mrs. King. "Do you want to take some food out with you?"

Fi looked at the dining room table, loaded with hams and casseroles and brownies. "It's so weird seeing all that out."

"Believe me, it's taking all my restraint not to throw it out the window and bleach the table."

Despite everything, Fi laughed. Mrs. King did, too. It was only a  second, though, before both petered out, like they simultaneously  remembered there was nothing funny left, ever.

Fi pointed toward the sliding doors again. "I think I'll just, you know, sit."

Fi pushed and pulled at the door handle, trying to force the panels  open. Jackson came over, finally, reached past her hand and flicked the  lock. She nearly fell into him as the glass door suddenly slid open.

Blushing, Fi wiped her hands on her skirt and mumbled, "Thanks."

He nodded and went back to his vigil at the window.

Even though it was hot, Fi was glad for the fresh air, for the white  noise of traffic rather than the droning sadness inside. There were a  few chairs and a wrought-iron table in the center of the deck, but Fi  walked to the steps and sat down. She and Marcus had never spent much  time in the backyard. His mother was paranoid that a vicious strain of  attack pollen would do him in.

He'd even said that exact thing a few months ago, when the trees had  started to bloom and Fi was itching to get out of his stuffy house.  She'd laughed at the joke.

Joke was on her.

It was a good backyard, too, with a huge magnolia right in the  center-the best kind of climbing tree. Fi wished she didn't have a skirt  on, that there weren't all these people here. She'd climb it right now  and maybe never come down.                       
       
           



       

She heard the door slide open. Jackson crossed the deck and sat down on  the steps like her. He sat a good foot away, his elbow resting on his  knees, and stared at the yard like she'd been doing. "I fell out of that  tree in second grade," he said. "Broke my arm."

Fi looked back to the tree. "I was just thinking it looked like a good climbing tree."

"Mom got spooked after that," he said. "Freaked out when I went up too far. Marcus and I would play under it a lot, though."

She smiled. "Play what?"

"I don't know, kid stuff."

They sat quietly after that, in each other's presence but not really.  More like two bodies sharing the same space through a fragile truce.

She wasn't sure when this truce started, really. Ever since prom, when  Fi was let in on the secret, Jackson had backed off. Maybe it was  because she'd become as paranoid as he was-no need to remind her about  hand washing, anymore.

Or maybe, it was because Marcus looked so horrible, Jackson didn't have the energy to care about Fi one way or the other.

Marcus was a big fat liar. He didn't get better. He didn't even make it  out of the hospital. Well, she supposed he did, at the end. But hospice  didn't count.

After those first tests on Marcus's white blood cells came back,  everyone, including Marcus, notched up their tension level. There were  additional bags clipped to his IV pole, more tests run. Each one came  back worse and worse. The IV pole got an extendable arm to handle the  growing medications. Marcus got hooked up to even more machines.

Instead of filling him up, all those IV bags just sucked him dry. He  disappeared, piece by piece, before her eyes. Her sweet, skinny Marcus  got skinnier and skinnier, paler and paler, sleepier and sleepier. His  room started looking more like an apartment than a hospital room. There  were plants in the windowsill, cards, and a few crayon drawings from  some younger cousins taped to the wall. An additional table was brought  in so the Kings could eat dinner together.

She came over after school, spent as much of the weekend as was allowed.  Five days after Hospital Prom, she'd gotten a reply from that email  she'd sent to the Northwestern coach, the one meant to humor Marcus.  Truly, she hadn't thought anything would come from it.

She'd been sitting by his bed, flipping through the emails on her phone,  when she saw the NU address. She showed it to Marcus right after she  read it-So glad to hear from you Fi, yes, we actually might have a spot,  last-minute injury from another recruit, why don't you come to the camp  this summer, we'll discuss it then. It was the first time he'd  smiled-really, really smiled-in days.

She slid the phone back in her purse. "How much do you think she'll hate me when I cancel on her again?"

"Why would you cancel on her?"

Fi looked at him like the crazy person he was. "Marcus, don't be ridiculous. I'm not going away when you're like this."

He clenched his jaw, like he always did when he got annoyed. But now the  bones in his face were so prominent, he looked almost skeletal.

In the end, she made a deal with him she'd have been happy to keep. She'd go to camp if he got better.

She didn't study for exams. She walked through graduation like a zombie.  Her parents took Ryan, Fi, Gwen, and Trent out to a depressing dinner  where no one talked about Marcus, but everyone was thinking about it.

The Kings had a little cake-gluten-, egg-, and dairy-free-for her at the hospital. No one ate much of it. It was pretty awful.

Her graduation day was the same day the doctors brought up hospice.

Fi wasn't sure what it meant at first-she figured it was yet another  experimental treatment. Even after she heard the doctors say to the  Kings, "We want to make sure he's comfortable" and to Marcus, "Have you  given any thoughts to what arrangements you'd like?" she still didn't  get it.