But for once, Saffi couldn't care less about Staffan's mesmerizing looks. What she really wanted to know was if she had heard him correctly. Had he just called her---
She blurted out, "What did you call me?" Saffi kept her gaze on his lips, fearing to meet his eyes – or anyone else's for that matter. She was conscious of the way everyone's – and she meant everyone – gazes had swung toward her as she spoke to Staffan. Their gazes felt mostly like a mixture of shock, curiosity, envy and not a small amount of outrage.
"Saffi."
She felt even dizzier when she heard Staffan say that one name she hoped he wouldn't say. Please, God, if you could just grant me one wish, let this be it. Let me not faint---
"Or should I call you Starry Eyed instead?"
God didn't listen. Or maybe He had His headsets on.
Whatever. It was Saffi's last thought just before she lost consciousness.
When she opened her eyes, she was lying on the backseat of a car, staring at its leather-upholstered ceiling. Saffi slowly pushed herself up, and as she did she realized that she was on one side of the U-shaped backseat of a limousine. It only meant one thing.
"How do you feel?" His voice was hoarse with worry, his heart still thudding hard against his chest. He knew that the terror of seeing Saffi sliding away like she was dying would remain in his mind forever. If he hadn't yet known how much this girl meant to him, he did so now. That one moment told him all he had to know.
As he waited for Saffi to speak, Staffan unashamedly and hungrily stared at her. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Had she always been this beautiful? But she was also appallingly thin, and his chest squeezed painfully at the thought of being the cause of it.
"I'm fine."
Saffi didn't meet his gaze as she answered him, and that hurt. He clenched his fists at his side, controlling the urge to sweep her into his arms and beg for a fucking second chance. "I'm sorry if I shocked you."
When she still didn't say anything, he clenched his fists harder, his body becoming taut with tension. Staffan continued doggedly, "I came here to talk about the past---"
"No." Saffi didn't even have to think about it. The memories of what happened – of what she knowingly allowed to happen between them – still made her cringe and she would be absolutely crazy if she would let Staffan relive her humiliation all over again.
"Saffi---"
Hearing him say her name so … so normally made her whisper, "Have you … have you always known?"
"Yes---" Staffan cursed when Saffi flinched as if he had struck her. He might not understand her reaction, but he understood her, and it told him that he had somehow hurt her with his answer. "Saffi---"
She flinched again, dazed by the pain of her newfound realization. How was it possible that this man could have so many ways of hurting her? "I'm glad I gave you something to laugh about for the tour," she said flatly. "Another stress reliever, right?"
Staffan whitened, realizing how she had completely misinterpreted his actions. "Saffi, it's not what you think." No longer able to keep his distance from her, not with every cell in his body clamoring for contact, Staffan went to her side.
She started to struggle the moment he touched her, but he was of course the stronger one and in moments he had tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. "Listen to---" His voice faltered at the sight of her eyes.
She didn't have any stars in her eyes.
Saffi blinked at the odd way Staffan was suddenly staring at her. "What?"
Terror enveloped his heart, but he determinedly made himself ignore it. His brain told him he was fucking too late to have Saffi back, but he was going to goddamned try his hardest anyway. He wasn't going to fucking let go without giving his all this time. He had lost her once, and it had been hell. If he had the smallest chance of chaining Saffi to his side this time, Staffan would take it and throw away the key.
"I couldn't understand why you were pretending to be someone you're not. I just wanted that you be the one to tell me the truth." He inhaled sharply, knowing that what he was about to say could go either way. "Chloe … used to lie to me all the time, and I had to beg her to tell me the truth every damn time. When she left me, I swore to myself that I would never---"
Try as she might, Saffi couldn't make herself ignore the bitterness in Staffan's voice. "I'm sorry---"
"It wasn't your fault, Saffi. I was wrong---"
"I lied because I couldn't take any chances of anyone guessing who I really was, especially with the way I was dressed and the way I was acting."
"Why were you acting out of character, Saffi?"
For a moment, Saffi considered lying but just as quickly decided against it. There was no reason to, and she couldn't bear hurting Staffan with yet another lie. "I wanted that weekend for myself, to escape my boring life and pretend I could be the kind of girl you'd want. I wanted to know how it felt to be your groupie." She was unconscious of the way her lips twisted in a painful smile as she continued, "And I was, wasn't I?"
Staffan groaned as tears formed in Saffi's expressive eyes, and she struggled as he pulled her to his lap. The feel of having her back in his arms was glorious, but it would have been more so if only he didn't feel like the scum of the earth for having hurt her so much.
"I'm so fucking sorry, Saffi."
Her entire body remained stiff in the circle of his arms, but Staffan could feel her shoulders shaking at how hard she was trying to stop herself from crying. She failed, and every tear that seeped into his shirt burned him.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered, hugging her more tightly, knowing he would give his life in an instant if it meant stopping Saffi from hurting. "When you ran away from the room that night, I went after you." He struggled to breathe, knowing what he was about to say would hurt her even more. "I wanted to tell you how I felt then. I was planning to go on my fucking knees and beg you to come back to me for good, but I saw you with Carson. I saw you kissing Carson. It gutted me. It was like Chloe taking me for a fool again and … " His voice lowered, voice raw with self-loathing as he admitted, "I wanted to take revenge so I did … that."
A choking sob escaped her, Staffan's words making her remember the worst moment of her life. She started to cry hard then, the tears endlessly flowing as she saw in her mind a vivid vision of Staffan finger-fucking another woman---
She went wild, knowing she had to get away from Staffan, every inch of her body crawling at the memory of how she had begged him to just stop touching the other woman.
"Calm down---"
"Then let me go!"
The hurt in her voice was too fresh, too strong for Staffan to ignore and he let his hands drop, keeping himself still as Saffi flew to the opposite side of the car.
Chest heaving, she strove for control, despising at the same time how weak she still was with Staffan. Just one touch and her body had become completely alive. It wasn't right. It just wasn't right.
Saffi forced herself to meet Staffan's gaze. "I can't be with you anymore, Staffan."
Her words knocked him over, and he felt like iron claws had suddenly wrapped around his heart. "Saffi---" He couldn't think of anything to say after that. He was panicking, and not even with Chloe had he felt this afraid. He had to make this right. He had to. Without Saffi, he was nothing.
He tried again, his voice hoarse. "Saffi, I'm sorry." When she shook her head at him, the stars still absent in her gaze, Staffan reached for her desperately.
"No!"
Staffan went cold at the way Saffi shrank away from his touch. "I'm not going to hurt you anymore, Saffi," he promised her fiercely.
She shook her head furiously. "I can't … it's just … " Even though it killed her to do so, Saffi made herself look at Staffan. "It's not you, Staffan. It's me. I can't let myself be with you. I just … " She covered her mouth, pressing her hands hard against her lips to stop them from trembling. "Staffan, I just don't have any pride when I'm with you and it's not right. It's just not."
Chapter Fourteen
@TheOfficialStaffanAehrenthalStalker, Twitter:
Spotted: Staffan at a university in Florida--- is he dating a college co-ed?
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Hours had passed, but Saffi's words still hadn't left him, had indeed taken to repeating itself nonstop in his mind. The words humbled and terrified him at the same time. On one hand, it made Staffan hopeful. Surely such words meant Saffi still cared for him, one way or another. But on the other hand, those words could also mean that she was determined to move on and nothing he could do would change her mind.