But pain had numbed my senses, and I didn't notice any of it. Snuggling closer, I mumbled again, "I love you."
Lesson #11
Beware of how your billionaire does everything exquisitely,
even with the way he draws blood.
If the first two weeks of living with Constantijin had been bliss, everything else that followed was the complete opposite. And it took me a while, but I eventually realized that the changes started, like, all the way back to the day I had said it.
The day I had told him I loved him.
I hadn't taken the words back, though. I wasn't the type to beat around the bush. I had said it. So I might as well stick with it. Besides, it wasn't, like, I asked him to marry me or anything.
And of course you should know by now if I started, like, talking this way it meant I was in a bad shape – worse than I ever thought possible.
Day Twenty-Nine
George was startled when he saw me fixing my stuff at exactly five in the afternoon. "You're going home already?"
"Yup," I said brightly. "Constantijin has, like, this really important and boring meeting so he says it's better that I go home ahead." I didn't want George to know how hurt I was about it.
In the past, Constantijin would actually sulk whenever I chose not to wait for him. But now, he couldn't, like, wait to push me out of the door.
"Oh." George seemed like he wanted to say something.
I went back to putting the rest of my stuff into my bag, trying to do it as quickly as I could. I didn't want to give George a chance to succumb to the temptation of telling me what he felt he had to say.
George cleared his throat. "So … how will you get home?"
"The bus," I replied cheerfully while avoiding his look. My eyes felt really itchy, and I had to clench my fists for a moment to keep myself from rubbing it. But honestly, it wasn't, like, tears or anything. They were just really itchy.
I mean, I had nothing to cry about. Just because Constantijin had suddenly turned all cold and aloof didn't mean it was something to cry about!
God, my eyes itched so badly!
"You're taking the bus?" George burst out. "But doesn't Mr. Kastein have a driver--"
I cut him off in a flat tone, saying, "He offered. I refused. It's too much of a bother when the driver has to come back here afterwards."
George and I left together, and I ignored the way his glance kept darting towards Constantijin's office as we passed by its door. I totally had no plans saying goodbye.
Half an hour later and I was still waiting for the bus. I touched my eyes, and my fingers came away wet. It must be a really bad irritation because they were, like, itchy as hell.
My phone rang and I answered it by the fifth ring, knowing Constantijin would just keep on calling if I didn't answer.
"Where are you?" Constantijin snapped immediately.
"Bus station, where else?"
"You didn't even say goodbye," he accused.
I wanted to ask why. What was the point of saying goodbye when he always acted like he was the one itching to say goodbye to me? But I didn't ask it. I was too scared of where that conversation would lead so I just mumbled, "Sorry. I was in a hurry to get home."
"The driver---"
"It's fine."
There was this awkward pause before he said with audible reluctance, "I could drive you---"
God, my eyes itched so much they hurt.
Clearing my throat, I said again, "It's fine. The bus should be here any minute now." I quickly changed the subject. "Has your meeting started?"
"My … ah … in a while." He was so obviously lying. "But it will end late so don't wait up for me."
My eyes started feeling itchy again. But because I was stupid and I just plain couldn't help it, I whispered, "I love you."
"Right. Goodbye, Yanna."
The tears fell as he ended the call.
I loved him. Even after all this, I loved him. But I could also feel my love dying bit by bit as Constantijin did his best to kill it, with one hurtful word after another.
Day Thirty-One
"Do you guys even have sex still?" Of course Alyx was one who had to ask that.
"Alyx," Daria hissed from her side of the screen. Next to her, I saw Nik wince at Alyx's question.
This video call was supposed to make me feel better, after all. But I really didn't mind. These days, I was too tired to mind anything. "Yeah, we do. It's the only time he wants me next to him."
But Alyx wasn't done torturing me. "And you still sleep in the same bed?"
"Sometimes," I mumbled, blinking rapidly as I answered because my eyes were, like, really, really itchy.
Daria's tone was gentle when she asked, "Yanna, what if you tried not saying it?"
I shook my head.
"God, you're still such an iron head," Alyx burst out. It was a nickname that my dad came up with when I was sixteen and I had stubbornly stalked him on one of his golfing tournaments until he gave in and let me have surfing lessons. Since my friends had been tagging along behind me, the nickname sort of stuck.
"I know." My parents hadn't wanted me to take surfing lessons because they knew how I tended to panic when I got in too deep. And they were right. I did panic and almost drowned on my first lesson. I sort of knew that would happen, but I wanted to give it a try anyway. I just wasn't the type to back down without trying, and that was exactly how things were with Constantijin and me.
Nik began, "You're placing too much pressure---"
"But it's not supposed to be that way," I blurted out before I could stop myself. "It's not, like, bad for me to love him. I won't stop saying it."
"Even if you know he doesn't want to hear it?" Daria asked with a sad smile.
Biting my lip to stop it from trembling, I said simply, "Even if he kicks me out of his life because of it."
Day Thirty-Five
Constantijin was staring at me, his silvery eyes burning as he took in the deep V of the gown I had decided to wear for tonight's fundraiser, which was also organized by his parents.
I did a little twirl, just so he could appreciate that the black silky gown didn't have any back either. I also hoped he'd notice my pretty hairstyle, which I spent a hundred dollars on. I didn't do it to compete with the other women at the party, though. I just wanted to be pretty enough so that Constantijin would remember I still … existed.
"That seems sexier than your usual," he finally murmured, his eyes still on my breasts, which – right now – were worth staring at since just a quarter of them was left covered. Even though I felt like a total slut for wearing this gown, it felt good, too.
I shrugged in answer. "Is it?"
And that was that.
The ride to the hotel was spent in silence, completely unlike how Constantijin and I used to talk – or make love – if we had even just a minute alone inside his limousine.
Tonight was another occasion I would have to rub elbows with the rich and famous, but it wasn't why my heart was racing in fear. In the weeks that Constantijin and I had been … okay … with each other, I had learned how to effectively navigate my way around these parties. All I had to do was stand next to Constantijin, smile, and pretend I didn't notice the horrid looks and words that everyone was throwing at me behind my back. Eventually, you just didn't notice them at all because you got so used to it.
I smoothed nonexistent wrinkles on my gown, doing it to keep my hands from being restless. I was nervous because this was the first time we'd be out as a couple – and not feel like it. It was also the first time we'd meet his parents again after Marge decorated the apartment Constantijin had loaned out to me.
We talked on the phone frequently, and every time we did I tried my very best to pretend I was fine – that her son and I were fine. But I wasn't confident at all I could do the same face to face.
The driver parked directly in front of the hotel's red carpet entrance, where behind the velvet ropes a throng of reporters and cameramen waited. Constantijin stepped out first and turned towards me, his hand outstretched.
I couldn't make myself take it, not when I knew he didn't really want to touch me at all outside our bedroom.
But --- pride cometh before a fall and the moment I stepped out of the limousine, I tripped on the hem of my gown. I would have fallen flat on my face if Constantijin hadn't managed to catch me. He barely managed to actually, almost missing catching me.
I fell on him, Constantijin bent halfway backwards, his head squashed between my breasts.
Camera bulbs flashed, followed by shouts and catcalls.
We quickly pulled away, Constantijin coughing while I turned red in embarrassment. Then our eyes met and suddenly we were laughing.
I was so relieved at how everything felt incredibly right between us I wanted to cry.
"Ah, Yanna. Now I'm beginning to see the benefits of those breasts."
"Shut up," I hissed, but he only laughed harder as I felt my cheeks flushing a deeper shade of red at his words.