Errors of Judgment(72)

‘Gabrielle is more his daughter than mine,’ he replied. ‘She knows that. We’ve talked about a lot of things. Whatever balance there is to find in situations like these, I believe she’s found it. I don’t think she expects anything from me.’

Jackie shook her head. ‘You don’t know her very well. Not yet. Gabrielle is – she is, well, not a demanding girl, exactly. But she is passionate, very wilful. We’ve had some very tempestuous, difficult times with her. It’s better now she’s older. She seems to have found some stability. I’m glad she’s doing what she’s doing. And I really believe the fact that she has persevered with her law studies, that she has made it this far, is to do with you. To make you proud.’ Jackie laughed uncertainly. ‘Or the person she has made you up to be. This ideal she’s had.’

‘I’m far from ideal. As I’m sure she realises, now that she’s getting to know me better.’

Jackie put her head on one side and gave Leo an appraising look. ‘Self-deprecating. That’s not the way I remember you.’

Leo realised that over the years Jackie must have thought about him often, in a way he had never thought about her. Finding out she was pregnant a few weeks after they stopped seeing one another must have acted like a catalyst, crystallising the recollection of the relationship, and of him, for ever.

‘I can’t remember the person I was then.’

She drew a deep breath. ‘It’s probably not the right moment to start going back over old times. I don’t even think I want to. Do you?’ The look she gave him was searching, almost challenging. Leo didn’t know how to respond. By saying nothing, he felt he was failing her. She went on, ‘Gabrielle, the here and now – that is what counts. I want you to understand, Leo – Daniel and I want you to understand – that you will have a lot of influence over Gabrielle, now that you are in her life. As I say, she has been something of a wild child. Perhaps we indulged her too much. A lot of her friends are rich, spoilt kids, maybe not the best people for her to hang out with. It will be good if you can help to keep her steady.’

Leo poured a little more wine, giving himself time to think how to respond.

‘I’m not sure if I’ll be much use in that department. I don’t know anything about the rest of her life. But I’ll do what I can – if she needs my help, that is. She doesn’t seem to.’

‘Don’t worry – I don’t mean to burden you with responsibility for her, not after all these years. It’s just that if things go wrong, or she has problems, you might have some influence with her, in ways we don’t. You know what young people are like.’

‘I think I understand what you’re saying. I’ll keep an eye on her. She seems fine, though.’

‘Yes, I hope so.’

There was another silence. It felt as though the subject of Gabrielle had been disposed of for the moment. ‘So,’ said Leo, ‘Gabrielle tells me that you and your husband live in Richmond? And you have two sons?’

The next twenty minutes were filled with a courteous exchange of information. By the end of it, Leo felt more remote from Jackie than he had at the beginning of their meeting. It was as though they were retreating from intimacy, rather than making headway.

She broke the tension by glancing at her watch. ‘I’m afraid I have to go.’

She slipped on her coat. Leo helped her pick up her raft of carrier bags. ‘So much Christmas shopping,’ she said. ‘I seem to finish up buying presents on behalf of everyone else in the family.’ She lifted her hair free of her coat collar. ‘I envy you, having a little boy to buy presents for. I always think Christmas is for children, really. Grown-ups just go through the motions. It’s when you’re a child that it’s magical.’

‘Oliver’s very excited, certainly,’ replied Leo. She put out her hand, and he touched it, then they both laughed awkwardly, and Jackie leant over and kissed him on either cheek. ‘Goodbye, Leo,’ she said.

Her fragrance was one he knew, but couldn’t name. He wasn’t sure where he had last encountered it. Surely not twenty years ago? He smiled. ‘Goodbye.’

He watched her leave, then sat down. He poured what was left of the wine into his glass, marvelling at what could both connect and disconnect people over time. Then he took out his reading glasses and tried to read the papers he had brought. But the encounter with Jackie, with his own past, had left him disturbed. Jackie was on her way home now, happily laden with Christmas presents, to prepare supper, to be with her family, to become immersed in a life entirely unconnected to his own existence. Confused, bleak thoughts beset him. Of Rachel. Of Oliver. Of how different his life might have been if he had known twenty-two years ago that Jackie was pregnant.