Errors of Judgment(57)

‘Sounds a bundle of laughs. This Leo that you’re going with – isn’t he that oldish bloke you were chatting to at your father’s party? Should I be worried?’

‘Hardly. He probably only invited me because I’m a member of the Inn, and outsiders aren’t allowed.’ She leant over Toby’s shoulder. ‘This teaching course you’re applying for – when does it start?’

‘January. And you’ll have another job by then, so we’ll be OK.’ He turned and stretched his face up to kiss her.

Sarah returned the kiss half-heartedly. ‘You’re more optimistic than I am. I’m going to struggle to get a half-decent reference from Hugo, remember.’ She stared over his shoulder at the screen of his laptop. ‘Honest to God, Toby, I wish you would rethink this teaching thing. It’s mad to throw away seven years of City experience just because of one crash. Think where the banks would be now if everyone had walked away from banking during the last crisis! You should be holding your nerve, maintaining your confidence.’ She knelt down, and laid her cheek against his arm. ‘You don’t have to run away. You’ll find another job. I believe in you.’

‘I know you do. That’s why I’m doing this. How many times do we have to go over this? Everything that’s happened – the recession, getting sacked – has enabled me to re-evaluate what I want to do with my life. Deep down, I think I’ve always wanted to teach. This is my chance.’ He stroked her hair. ‘And it’s because I have you here, believing in me, that I can do it.’ He returned to his laptop.

Sarah flopped into an armchair and picked up the paper, then realised she’d read every page already. Who knew not working could be so boring? It felt claustrophobic being cooped up here in the flat with Toby day after day. She had moved in the week before Toby had lost his job, when the flat was meant to be a temporary measure before buying a house. A house. What a distant dream that had become. She felt as though the world was closing in on her. She knew even as she had uttered her words a few moments ago that they had been futile. After Hugo had fired her, she’d hoped the fact that they were both out of a job might make Toby reassess the situation. But he was sticking doggedly to his plan. Every time she so much as hinted at all the material advantages they would have to forfeit, he just smiled in that patient, killing way of his and told her he wasn’t interested in materialism any more, that he’d had his fill. He was positively evangelical about it. She didn’t see how the relationship was going to survive this. It wasn’t about love. Marriage was a package, and love was just a part of it – other things had to be right, too. The future – the kind of future Sarah wanted – required more than love to keep it afloat. Money, comfort, security, decent clothes and holidays, being able to afford private school fees – without these things, marriage was scarcely worthwhile. But how could she explain to Toby that if marriage meant living in a suburban semi on a secondary-school teacher’s pay, then the love she felt for him simply wasn’t enough to sustain such an existence? It would mean telling him that he wasn’t enough. And that was the awful truth she was having to wake up to and face every day now. Toby was kind, handsome, and a much more decent person than she could ever be, but the fact was that without a six-figure income he simply wasn’t such an attractive marriage prospect any more. Other people might think her a heartless cow, but Jane Austen would have understood.

Toby’s voice interrupted her thoughts. ‘I’d love a coffee, if you’re making one.’

‘Sure.’ She headed for the kitchen, glad of something to do.

As she waited for the kettle to boil, a sense of sad determination overwhelmed her, and she felt her resolve crystallise. There really was no going back now – or rather, forward. It was simply a question of how to end things. She thought of the Kitterings, and of her father, and of their collective disappointment, but she wasn’t going to abandon herself to a life of penury simply to avoid upsetting them. It was Toby she was most worried about. If she simply dumped him now, when he was at his lowest ebb, it would destroy him. Well, he was going to be destroyed one way or another, so better that it should happen in such a way that he could salvage some pride. She had to put herself in the wrong. A bit of self-abasement was called for. It wouldn’t be the first time. She thought of Leo’s phone call half an hour ago. The fact was, he wanted her, and he needed to find a way back in. Perhaps they could do each other a favour.