Errors of Judgment(122)

‘Would I do that?’ she replied, in a light response to his joke.

‘I suppose I shouldn’t care as much as I do,’ Leo went on. ‘It’s just—’

‘What?’

‘It’s just that this is the first time since I came to the Bar, that I’ve felt a sense of rejection.’

‘Well, you shouldn’t feel that way. You know these things are all about internal politics. There’s always next year.’

‘Exactly what Henry said. But it rankles.’ He shrugged. ‘Listen to me. I’ll always be the grammar school boy from the valleys, fighting for acceptance.’ He glanced at Sarah. ‘That’s not something I could admit to many people.’

There was silence between them for a moment. Then Sarah asked, ‘So, why did you want to see me this evening?’

‘If I said, just to see you, would you believe me?’

‘No. I might like to, but I wouldn’t. I know you, Leo. There’s always some agenda.’

‘Well, it’s the truth.’ He swallowed the remains of his drink and placed the glass carefully on the table, hesitating for a moment. ‘I’ve missed you. I’ve been missing you ever since you left.’

Sarah felt a space open up beneath her heart. She took a sip of her wine, unable to look at him. ‘That’s sweet. But we didn’t exactly see that much of each other while I was living with you.’

‘I know. And I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why that was.’

‘You know why it was.’

‘I assumed it was because you were regretting Toby, and that you hated me for the part I played in that.’

She looked at him in astonishment. ‘Toby? It had nothing to do with him. The reason I kept my distance was because I didn’t like the idea of you stringing me along on the side while you conducted your surreptitious little affair.’

It was Leo’s turn to look astonished. ‘What affair?’

‘Oh, come off it, Leo. Twenty-ish? Dirty blonde hair? About five foot two? Dress sense of a teenager? I know you have strange predilections, but knocking off some Olsen-twin lookalike who’s young enough to be your daughter—’

Her words suddenly registered. Leo cut in, ‘That’s exactly who she is.’

‘Who is who?’

‘The girl. The one you’ve just described. She’s my daughter. I thought about telling you, but you were being so hands-off, so hard to reach, that I never had the chance.’

‘Your daughter?’

Leo signalled to a passing waitress. ‘I think this calls for another drink.’ He told her the whole story, and Sarah listened without interrupting.

When he had finished, she sighed, and said, ‘I spent all those weeks thinking you were seeing someone, and not telling me.’

‘I spent those weeks thinking you wished you’d never broken off your engagement. I thought you blamed me.’

‘Blamed you? You threw me a lifeline.’

There was a long silence. Then Leo said, ‘So, would you consider coming back for a while, and seeing how we get on without crossed wires?’

‘What? You mean – live with you?’

‘That’s the general idea. We’ve done it before, and it was quite amusing, as I recall.’

Sarah gazed at him. She and Leo had been playing games with one another for years. For her, the games had been a defence mechanism, a way of protecting herself against the truth that she loved him, would always love him. If she was honest with herself, she longed to be wanted and needed by Leo. Other men had always come second best. The trouble was, Leo had never wanted or needed anyone. Except, perhaps, Anthony. So why should she believe that this was any different? Telling her he’d missed her, and asking her to live with him – that had to be the closest he’d ever come to saying he loved her. And she badly wanted to believe he loved her. Maybe this time around they could stop playing games, and just exist for one another. Perhaps that was what he wanted, too. He would be hitting fifty in a couple of months, and playing the field was probably losing its appeal. But if she was wrong, if he finished up hurting her and betraying her, then she didn’t think she could bear it. By saying yes, she would be gambling with her happiness.

After a long moment, she nodded. ‘OK, why not? We didn’t exactly give it a fair shake last time, did we?’

‘Far from it. And when I said I missed you, I meant in every possible way.’ Leo leant forward and kissed her for several seconds. Then he glanced around. ‘I don’t think we can stay here and do this for very long. I suggest we take a cab to Chelsea. What do you think?’