Emotionally Weird(54)

Bob frowned at a list of English essays. ‘You haven’t got an essay on George Eliot, have you?’ he asked me.

Bob’s methodology for writing essays was straightforward: he simply cut up other people’s essays and stuck them together again in a random way. Of course, we’re all plagiarists and forgers of one kind or another, if only in our minds, and Bob’s cut-up technique, although occasionally resulting in gibberish, generally passed muster with the somewhat dazed and confused members of staff.

Bob had a list of ‘Senior Honours Essays, Session 1971–72’ in his hand and read aloud in his monotone, ‘ Whenever Hume is aware of himself in any degree, he is aware of a perception, and when he is not aware of any perceptions he has no conception of himself. Discuss. ’ He poked his ear in bewilderment. ‘I mean what’s that all about when it’s at home?’

‘It’s life, Bob,’ I said, ‘but not as you know it.’ He picked up Kant’s Impossibility of an Ontological Proof and showed the cover to us as if it was something we might never have seen before.

‘It’s a book,’ Andrea told Bob.

‘I know,’ Bob said, shaking his head wearily. ‘ Is the self just a bundle of perceptions? ’ he read mournfully from a Philosophy past paper. ‘ If so, does anything hold the bundle together? Discuss. ’ Bob ruminated on his Marmite. ‘Who are you supposed to discuss it with? Yourself?’

‘Yes.’

‘You are going to travel a long way,’ Andrea said to him indifferently, turning over a fan of Tarot cards, ‘meet with much failure and die a horrible death.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Bob said.

Shug turned up with Robin. ‘Where’ve you been?’ Andrea said.

‘Out and about,’ Shug said carelessly, ‘things to do, people to see.’

Andrea wanted to go and see a matinée of Les Parapluies de Cherbourg (which Bob had slept the whole way through), while Shug wanted to go to the film society to see W. R. – Mysteries of the Organism . Robin skinned up a joint and started reading aloud from the Dandy . Would I spend the rest of my life with these people?

James believes that Middlemarch lacks an overall unity, that it is a mere string of disparate incidents which lack any true dramatic purpose . . .

The doorbell rang and Andrea let Terri in. She was in an unusual state of agitation. ‘I’ve seen him,’ she said breathlessly to me.

‘Seen who?’ I asked.

‘The dog, the yellow dog. He was following that weird girl, the medic that lives at Balniddrie.’

‘Miranda,’ Robin said.

‘Robin,’ Terri said, noticing him for the first time. She sat down next to him on the sofa and did something strange with her face. It took me a while to work out that she was trying to smile at him. He shrank away from her in fear. ‘How are you, Robin?’ Terri asked.

He stared at her like a panicked rabbit and stuttered, ‘What do you want?’

‘Well,’ she said cajolingly, ‘are you thinking of going home soon?’

‘Yeah, why?’ he said, shrinking even further away. ‘You want to come home with me?’

‘Yeah.’

‘She just wants a lift,’ I explained to him because he looked as if he was going to throw up or pass out.

‘A trip to the country?’ Shug said. ‘That would be cool.’

‘Listen to this,’ Bob said, reading aloud, ‘ Symbolize the following argument in the symbolism of Compound-Proposition Logic, and show it valid by any means (construction of a formal derivation, complete truth table, or indirect truth-table method): If I exist, I exist as a sentient being; if I exist and don’t know it, I don’t exist as a sentient being. Now if I know I exist, I’m certain of that fact and I can prove it; but, although I can prove I exist, I still feel doubtful about it. So I don’t exist. (“E”, “S”, “K”, “C”, “P”) ’

Luckily, at that moment, Bob’s brain exploded.

~ Plot development? Nora murmurs quietly, almost to herself.

‘Is not necessary in this post-modern day and age,’ I tell her firmly.





Cloudminding





‘CAPTAIN’S LOG: STARDATE 5818.4,’ BOB ANNOUNCED AS WE clambered awkwardly into the transport for our trip to the country.

Our chauffeur, Robin, had recently acquired new ‘wheels’. Unfortunately, the wheels were attached not to his skinny body but to an old hearse. The hearse didn’t appear to have been decommissioned in any way, I noticed – it still retained its bier, for example, thus making it rather difficult for people travelling in the back unless, like Bob, they were eager to lie horizontally and rehearse being a corpse. Terri settled for riding shotgun up front with Robin and brooding darkly for the entire journey. Now that she’d achieved her goal of a lift out to Balniddrie she had no intention of treating Robin like a human being.