Emotionally Weird(25)

‘Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.’



‘A private dick,’ Professor Cousins said gleefully. ‘There once was a private dick/Who went by the name of Chick—’

‘Is it far?’ Terri murmured. ‘Is it far to where we’re going?’

‘Far enough,’ Chick said enigmatically.

We finally arrived wherever it was we’d been going – which might have been Cupar but I hadn’t been paying much attention to road signs; it was certainly a place very like Cupar. The lights were on in Fife, the windows of the houses glowing with precious artificial daylight in an effort to illuminate the Murk of a dark afternoon. We parked in a pleasant street, lined with trees and filled with detached and semi-detached suburban villas. Chick turned the engine off, settled back in his seat and lit up another cigarette.

‘So, Chick,’ Professor Cousins said, rubbing his hands in anticipation, ‘this is a stakeout? What happens now – you just sit here and watch her front door, then follow her if she comes out?’

‘More or less,’ Chick said.

‘How do you know you haven’t missed her?’ Terri asked, reviving a little now that we were stationary.

‘I don’t,’ Chick said.

‘Aren’t you supposed to have flasks of hot soup?’ I said to him, ‘and crossword puzzles, and tapes of classical music?’

‘How about a camera?’ Professor Cousins asked him eagerly, then added, ‘Or binoculars? A notepad? What about a newspaper to hide behind?’

Chick wrestled a Racing Post out of his pocket and waved it in the air. ‘It’s not like that, Gabriel,’ he said; ‘you’ve seen too many films.’

‘On the contrary, Chick,’ Professor Cousins said, rather sadly, ‘I haven’t seen enough.’

‘Mind you,’ Chick said, after a few minutes’ contemplative silence, ‘you come across some rum things in this job, Gabriel. I expect I could write a novel about what I’ve seen.’

‘I’m sure you could,’ Professor Cousins said, with more encouragement than was strictly necessary.

‘They say everyone has a novel inside them, don’t they?’ Chick said, warming to the subject now.

‘Yeah, and maybe that’s where it should stay,’ Terri growled. Chick responded with something derogatory about students, something to the effect that he was paying his taxes so that we could lie around all day having sex and taking drugs.

‘Don’t think I’m not grateful,’ Terri snapped, and Chick snapped back, ‘Awa’ and bile yer heid.’ The car was too cramped for this kind of behaviour, something the dog understood if no-one else did. It suddenly gave a huge walrus sigh of boredom, turned round and round in an effort to dislodge myself and Terri from the back seat, then flopped down heavily and closed its eyes.

‘It didn’t just die, did it?’ Terri asked, giving the dog an anxious poke. It opened one eye and gave her a thoughtful look.

‘Keep still, will you?’ Chick said tetchily. ‘You’re drawing attention to us.’

‘Married, Chick?’ Professor Cousins asked conversationally after a while.

Chick scowled and said, ‘Who wants to know?’

‘Just asking.’

‘Man about town, that’s me,’ Chick said airily.

‘Oh, absolutely, aren’t we all,’ Professor Cousins laughed.

After a pause Chick said, ‘Bloody woman, bloody Moira, bloody cow. Took everything – the house, the furniture, the kids – not that I mind her taking them , mingin’ little bastards,’ he said reflectively. I was reminded of Dr Dick, whose ex-wife was also a Moira, a self-contained Aberdonian – a research chemist – who had summoned just enough emotion to petition for divorce. That, apart from assonance, must surely be the only thing that Chick and Dick could ever have in common.

With an exasperated sigh Chick put his Racing Post away, stubbed out his cigarette and settled back in his seat, closed his eyes and said, ‘Don’t let me go to sleep.’ Who was it that Chick reminded me of? I wondered.

‘You’re looking at me,’ he said, without opening his eyes.

‘I was just trying to think who you reminded me of.’

‘I’m a one-off,’ Chick said. ‘They broke the mould when they made me.’ It began to rain, heavy drops thudding on the roof of the car.

‘Goodness, it’s raining cats and dogs,’ Professor Cousins commented. The dog’s ears gave an interested twitch but it didn’t bother waking up. I wondered what happened to the Tara-Zanthian stock market when this particular weather phenomenon occurred.