This time, Sienna held on to Carson’s shirt as he romanced her with his lips, afraid to let him go. She knew this was her one and only chance at intimacy. He might or might not call, but this was it.
She had to protect Lila. With that thought in mind, she felt Carson kiss her forehead, whisper good night, and walk out the door.
SIENNA FELT chilled and lonely as soon as Carson left. Knowing sleep wouldn’t be a reality, she made hot tea and slipped into the tub. Her tub was her biggest pleasure. At least it was until she’d met Carson, and he’d made her feel something indescribable. A feeling she had no right to experience.
She had to get back to a place where she appreciated the little things, like her tub, and wasn’t chasing dreams. Dreams that weren’t hers to have and hold.
When she’d first moved out of the seedy extended-stay motel she found when she’d first arrived in Vegas, she thought Asher’s carriage house was a palace. It still was her very own palace. It might be small and cozy compared to the rest of the upscale neighborhood, but it was the best she’d ever had. It was so distinctly different from the house she grew up in, and the small apartment she’d shared with her husband, Elon, but it suited her perfectly.
Her family lived in a tiny brownstone, a walk-up in Brooklyn. That was where she grew up. Not knowing anything different, she loved it. Her dad worked hard to be able to afford the small house. Her three brothers shared a bedroom, her parents had one to themselves, and Lila slept in the sitting room on a daybed. Her room was small, but had a large window where she would sit for hours and watch the bustling neighborhood. She had always been a people-watcher.
Her mom would come in to sew in the corner of the room, and a couple of days a month, her mom would sleep on the trundle from the daybed with Lila. As a young girl, this made her feel close to her mom. She once thought they’d always share that closeness.
It wasn’t until she became a woman herself that she fully understood why her mother didn’t stay with her father when she was “unclean,” or having her period. Most religious couples had twin beds to facilitate this, but her parents were always a little more extreme.
Not as extreme as my husband.
Back then, Lila accepted this separation as part of life, although she didn’t know it would be a sentence to a cold, distant life with her own husband. She was taught as a young girl that when she married, following this custom would be expected of her, but had no idea what it really meant when she was promised to Elon.
With Elon, there were no relations when she was unclean, but there was also no touching, embracing, or caressing when she was. Well, no touching unless Elon was putting his strong and violent hands all over her.
Sex was no different with Elon. It was mechanical, rough, and devoid of anything intimate. He’d take her without any preparation, slamming into her with force, tearing and squeezing her dry skin. He never took her shirt or bra off to worship her beauty. He just lifted her skirt, pushed her underwear to the side, and entered at his own whim. It was all about him.
She had no idea how it was enjoyable for Elon, but he obviously was turned on by roughness.
Lila’s father, on the other hand, wasn’t a violent and cruel man. Austere, old-fashioned, caught up in customs that bore no meaning in the modern day, but he wasn’t mean. Her parents shared occasional soft looks and warm hugs. At least, she thought so from her childhood memories, but the life they subscribed her to wasn’t indicative of caring people.
Lila tried to accept she was doomed to live a life without a gentle, caring, or sensitive touch, but after some time of being battered and beaten, she’d decided she wouldn’t accept it. So she ran and never looked back. It was easier swallowing a fate to live alone over staying in a loveless marriage ruled by a heavy hand.
It took her months to craft her escape while still enduring the mess of her home life, all the while hoping and praying she didn’t get pregnant. Siphoning off a little money here and there by skimping at the butcher’s or the bakery permitted her to pick up a few real-world clothes for her journey when she was supposedly running errands for the house. As a young woman, she babysat a number of the neighborhood kids, and she had kept a good bit of the money in a change purse over the years. Betrothed to Elon straight from her family home, she’d never needed it. This was how she afforded her bus tickets west and the hole-in-the-wall motel. Other than that, her journey to freedom was the biggest gamble she ever took.
It was all behind her now. She hoped she’d won that bet.
When Sienna let herself think about her family, she missed them. Especially her brothers, so she tried hard not to go there. Thinking of the three of them always made her heart heavy with loneliness and regret. She hoped they were all still happily married, and that they were kind to their wives. If she could reach out to them, she would in a heartbeat, but she knew they’d tell her parents, and she couldn’t risk that.