“I’m actually gonna go,” I said. “I can’t be in that room and not stare at you all night.”
She smiled. “I don’t like Landis. Not even a little. And I’m sorry for—”
“Don’t be. You are most definitely special to me, Dell. In another time and place, I’d be first in line to sweep you off your feet. You’re amazing. But even when I get called back up, with our jobs—”
She cut me off. “I know. This is only while you’re here. And since you can’t touch me, well, we both know how this is gonna end.”
I nodded, regret washing over me. It wasn’t regret for something I’d lost, but for something I could never have.
“You should go in alone,” I said. “I’ll slip in and head out in a few minutes.”
She rubbed her hands over her arms to warm them. “Goodnight.”
“‘Night, Dell.”
She walked to the door and went back into the ballroom. The other couple had left, and I was alone. I rubbed my scruffy jaw and shook my head. Being alone had always been a good thing for me. I didn’t have anyone but myself to consider, keeping my life simple. I’d felt sorry for teammates with wives and kids and schedules to balance with hockey. I’d actually felt smug sometimes about being a bachelor. But right now I felt like shit.
***
I stared at the phone in my hand. I’d just gotten the call I’d been waiting for. So why wasn’t I happy about it?
I shoved my phone into my locker and went back to getting my pads on. I was just beginning to fall into place here. I liked the guys. I’d probably even like V if I didn’t have to live with his crazy habits.
Here, I played because I loved the game. The lights didn’t glare as brightly here as they did in Chicago. I wasn’t feeling constant pressure to play like a superstar so I could make the Olympic team.
And Dell. My other reasons for wanting to stay were just noise compared to her. The way I felt around her – pent up and content at the same time – I’d never experienced that before. She was the first person I looked for every morning when I came in the locker room.
But I’d been called back up to my team. Reality was knocking, and I should’ve been grateful, not disappointed. My rehab was complete and I could go back to the life London had yanked me away from for nearly three months.
I wanted to go lose myself in the pregame skate. Laps around the ice always gave me uninterrupted time to think. But first I needed to tell Dell I was leaving.
My trip down the concrete hallway was slow. I remembered my first walk into her office, when she’d turned and given me a once-over from beneath the brim of her baseball cap. I’d been drawn to those bright green eyes immediately, though I had no idea then how completely she’d end up mesmerizing me – without me ever touching her.
Chad Lennox was up on Dell’s table and she was rolling a tool over his thighs to loosen them. She glanced at me and I pointed at Lennox and then the doorway, telling her to get rid of him.
“I think you should go stretch and come back,” she said to him. “About ten minutes of stretching.”
He shrugged and slid down, and I waited until he’d left to go in. I leaned against the counter and Dell gave me a questioning look.
“I got called up,” I said.
She looked at the floor. “Oh.”
We stood in silence for a few seconds.
“That’s great, Luke,” she finally said. “I’m happy for you.”
“I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” She busied herself wiping down her table. “When are you leaving?”
“In the morning. I’m playing here tonight.”
She nodded. The silence stretched, and I rubbed the back of my neck, wishing I knew what to say.
“I just wanted to tell you first,” I said. “I need to finish dressing and skate.”
“Thanks. I’m glad I got to find out from you. This really is good news, Luke. You’ve worked hard for this. You belong with your team. I’m sure you’ll be happy to get back home. No more living with V or traveling by bus or—”
“I’ll miss you,” I said again, stopping her. “More than any of that shit bothers me, I’ll miss you.”
“Me too.” She cleared her throat. “But such is hockey, right?”
“Yeah.”
Once again, what I would’ve liked wasn’t even an option. Hockey ruled every move I made, as it had for more than 15 years. By the time I could have Dell in my life and treat her right, she’d be with some other lucky asshole.
I turned and left, not knowing what else to say. It would all be bittersweet from this moment forward anyway.