Eclipse (Twilight Saga #3)(169)

"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?"

Jake nodded. "That's true. It's not such a big thing-in comparison."

His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control.

"Yes. In comparison," I agreed.

"How long do you have left?"

"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together." I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do.

"Before or after?" he asked quietly.

I knew what he meant. "After."

He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him. 

"Are you scared?" he whispered.

"Yes," I whispered back.

"What are you afraid of?" I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands.

"Lots of things." I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. "I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away-I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Renée . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out."

He looked up with a disapproving expression. "I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried."

"Thanks."

He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. "But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die . . ." He gulped.

"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob-don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?"

He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor.

"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end."

He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me.

I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. "You know I love you."

"I know," he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. "You know how much I wish it was enough."

"Yes."

"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella," he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. "You'll always have that spare option if you want it."

I made an effort to smile. "Until my heart stops beating."

He grinned back. "You know, I think maybe I'd still take you-maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink."

"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?"

"I'll think it through and get back to you," he said. "I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay-it might mess up the way the bones are set." Jacob made a face.

"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster."

"Sure, sure."

"I wonder when it will happen," I said. "When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

"Don't get your hopes up, Bella." Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. "Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun," he admitted.

"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here," I promised.

With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me.

I leaned in and kissed his face softly. "Love you, Jacob."

He laughed lightly. "Love you more."

He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.





27. NEEDS

I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSSIBLE.

When I couldn't see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumped over on the seat and allowed the weakness I'd fought in Jacob's room crush me. It was worse that I'd thought-the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever see this.




 

 

But I wasn't alone for very long-just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the few minutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.

At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me-smaller, but getting louder and angrier every minute, screaming at the rest of me-that craved a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guilt to season the pain.