Eclipse (Twilight Saga #3)(147)

I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for this look to come into his eyes.

I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didn't need anything else right now.

"Hurry back," I whispered.

He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.

Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldn't see his expression clearly.

"I'm in a hurry, Bella," he said in a dull voice. "Why don't you get it over with?"

I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasn't sure if I could make sound come out.

"Just say the words, and be done with it."

I took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry I'm such a rotten person," I whispered. "I'm sorry I've been so selfish. I wish I'd never met you, so I couldn't hurt you the way I have. I won't do it anymore, I promise. I'll stay far away from you. I'll move out of the state. You won't have to look at me ever again."

"That's not much of an apology," he said bitterly.

I couldn't make my voice louder than a whisper. "Tell me how to do it right."

"What if I don't want you to go away? What if I'd rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don't I get any say, if you're trying to make things up to me?"

"That won't help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. It's not going to get better. I'll just keep hurting you. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I hate it." My voice broke.

He sighed. "Stop. You don't have to say anything else. I understand."

I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.

He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.

And then his head snapped up. 

"Well, you're not the only one capable of self-sacrifice," he said, his voice stronger. "Two can play at that game."

"What?"

"I've behaved pretty badly myself. I've made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too."

"This is my fault."

"I won't let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem myself."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.

He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. "There's a pretty serious fight brewing down there. I don't think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture."

His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn't breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of my life completely, I didn't realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.

"Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no," I choked out in horror. "No, Jake, no. Please, no." My knees began to tremble.

"What's the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You won't even have to move."

"No!" My voice got louder. "No, Jacob! I won't let you!"

"How will you stop me?" he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.

"Jacob, I'm begging you. Stay with me." I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.

"For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think I'm safe again? You've got to be kidding."

"I won't run away. I've changed my mind. We'll work something out, Jacob. There's always a compromise. Don't go!"

"You're lying."

"I'm not. You know what a terrible liar I am. Look in my eyes. I'll stay if you do."

His face hardened. "And I can be your best man at the wedding?"

It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, "Please."

"That's what I thought," he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.

"I love you, Bella," he murmured.

"I love you, Jacob," I whispered brokenly.

He smiled. "I know that better than you do."

He turned to walk away.

"Anything," I called after him in a strangled voice. "Anything you want, Jacob. Just don't do this!"

He paused, turning slowly.

"I don't really think you mean that."

"Stay," I begged.

He shook his head. "No, I'm going." He paused, as if deciding something. "But I could leave it to fate."

"What do you mean?" I choked out.

"I don't have to do anything deliberate-I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens happen." He shrugged. "If you could convince me you really did want me to come back-more than you wanted to do the selfless thing."