Eclipse (Twilight Saga #3)(135)

The sudden, unexpected swell of shame distorted my expression.

"I know, I know," he responded, not understanding. "You think he could take me."

I couldn't speak. I was leaving them one short. What if someone got hurt because I was so weak? But what if I was brave and Edward . . . I couldn't even think it.

"What's the matter with you, Bella?" The joking bravado vanished from his face, revealing my Jacob underneath, like pulling a mask away. "If something I said upset you, you know I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything-hey, are you okay? Don't cry, Bella," he pleaded.

I tried to pull myself together. "I'm not going to cry."

"What did I say?"

"It's nothing you said. It's just, well, it's me. I did something . . . bad."

He stared at me, his eyes wide with confusion.

"Edward isn't going to fight tomorrow," I whispered the explanation. "I'm making him stay with me. I am a huge coward."

He frowned. "You think this isn't going to work? That they'll find you here? Do you know something I don't know?"

"No, no. I'm not afraid of that. I just . . . I can't let him go. If he didn't come back . . ." I shuddered, closing my eyes to escape the thought.

Jacob was quiet.

I kept whispering, my eyes shut. "If anyone gets hurt, it will always be my fault. And even if no one does . . . I was horrible. I had to be, to convince him to stay with me. He won't hold it against me, but I'll always know what I'm capable of." I felt just a tiny bit better, getting this off my chest. Even if I could only confess it to Jacob.

He snorted. My eyes opened slowly, and I was sad to see that the hard mask was back.

"I can't believe he let you talk him out of going. I wouldn't miss this for anything."

I sighed. "I know."

"That doesn't mean anything, though." He was suddenly backtracking. "That doesn't mean that he loves you more than I do."




 

 

"But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged."

He pursed his lips for a moment, and I wondered if he would try to deny it. We both knew the truth. "That's only because I know you better," he said at last. "Everything's going to go without a hitch. Even if you'd asked and I'd said no, you wouldn't be mad at me afterwards."

"If everything does go without a hitch, you're probably right. I wouldn't be mad. But the whole time you're gone, I'll be sick with worry, Jake. Crazy with it."

"Why?" he asked gruffly. "Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?"

"Don't say that. You know how much you mean to me. I'm sorry it's not in the way you want, but that's just how it is. You're my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are . . . when you let your guard down."

He smiled the old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Even when I don't . . . behave as well as I should. Underneath, I'm always in here."

"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"

He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. "When are you finally going to figure out that you're in love with me, too?"

"Leave it to you to ruin the moment."

"I'm not saying you don't love him. I'm not stupid. But it's possible to love more than one person at a time, Bella. I've seen it in action."

"I'm not some freaky werewolf, Jacob."

He wrinkled his nose, and I was about to apologize for that last jab, but he changed the subject.

"We're not far now, I can smell him."

I sighed in relief.

He misinterpreted my meaning. "I'd happily slow down, Bella, but you're going to want to be under shelter before that hits."

We both looked up at the sky.

A solid wall of purple-black cloud was racing in from the west, blackening the forest beneath it as it came.

"Wow," I muttered. "You'd better hurry, Jake. You'll want to get home before it gets here."

"I'm not going home."

I glared at him, exasperated. "You're not camping with us."

"Not technically-as in, sharing your tent or anything. I prefer the storm to the smell. But I'm sure your bloodsucker will want to keep in touch with the pack for coordination purposes, and so I will graciously provide that service."

"I thought that was Seth's job."

"He'll take over tomorrow, during the fight." 

The reminder silenced me for a second. I stared at him, worry springing up again with sudden fierceness.

"I don't suppose there's any way you'd just stay since you're already here?" I suggested. "If I did beg? Or trade back the lifetime of servitude or something?"

"Tempting, but no. Then again, the begging might be interesting to see. You can give it a go if you like."