So I said, “Fuck them.”
I stopped caring; I didn’t want to care anymore.
I made a decision that no one—no one—was ever going to hurt me like they did. And whatever was left of my heart, I surrounded it with so many thorns and spikes that if you ever came anywhere near it, I would willingly and happily hurt you.
This was the new me.
And then I got pretty—beautiful, really—and shed all the baby weight from my younger years. Like the ugly duckling from my favorite childhood story, I turned into a swan. Though beautiful on the outside, I felt ugly, so very ugly on the inside.
Men of all ages started to hit on me—their attention making me feel high and powerful. A delectable feeling came over me whenever I saw a man’s cock get hard as he looked at my ass, probably picturing himself fucking me, or saw the hunger in his eyes. It made me wet.
Which explains why I gave my virginity away to Mr. Matthew Callahan. I chose him deliberately, and trust me when I say that my heart had nothing to do with my decision. He was the father of the girl who made my life miserable growing up after all. And maybe I chose him for that exact reason.
After “bumping” into each other at the coffee shop multiple times, it became obvious that we both kept going back to see each other. Flirty comments were exchanged, each pushing the envelope of what was right further and further away until we crossed the line unequivocally. The first time, he fingered me as we made out in the backseat of his expensive car while he told me about the many times he had imagined himself doing this.
The second time we had sex that first night, he came inside my body, panting how lovely and perfect I was. As I felt him shake above me, I remember thinking that this was the same man who I’d wished so many times to be my own father. The love and adoration he showed his family was perfection.
What a joke, right?
The paragon of our town had just fucked the shit out of a seventeen-year-old, doggy-style, in a seedy motel an hour away from his house, while his daughter and wife went to a tea function …
I’m a couple of lockers away from mine when Josh intercepts me. Hot and popular Josh. Every girl wants him and every guy wants to be him. He’s the benchmark for perfection, captain of every sport that matters. He is the guy in our high school.
He grabs me by the waist, saying, “Sup, baby? Wanna meet me after school and go for a drive?” He leans closer and whispers in my ear, his hot breath kissing the exposed skin of my neck. “I miss your sweet little mouth.”
Feeling my skin burn with shame, and maybe excitement, I push him away. “Forget about it, Josh. I can’t today … I’m busy.” Of course, I don’t add that I’ll be busy collecting a gift from Mr. Callahan.
“What the fuck? You’ve been giving me that bullshit excuse for the past month!” he exclaims, anger and confusion marring his boyish beauty.
Sounds about right. I believe that’s how long Mr. Callahan and I have been seeing each other in secret.
He pins me with his angry, hurt gaze. “Are you seeing someone else?”
I flip my hair carelessly, not missing the way his eyes land on my boobs. “Whatever, Josh. Stop being so immature … I gotta go or I’m going to be late to class.” I move away from him and begin to walk toward my locker.
“You’re such a bitch, you know? I don’t know why I waste my time with you when I could have anyone I want.”
I turn around and face him once more, half smiling, half mocking him. “Because I’m worth it, and you know it.”
Not wanting to hear what he has to say next, I leave him standing frozen in place with an incredulous expression on his face and begin to walk once more. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a large crowd has gathered around Josh and me. Maybe they decided I was not contagious enough, or maybe they just wanted to hear our exchange. Whatever. It’s not like they don’t already know my dirty laundry.
I’m walking past Paige when I see her scrunching up her nose at me as if I smell like something putrid. I taunt her with a smile while she rolls her eyes and says, “As if,” to her friends. Then I hear her say to the same group of bullies who once pulled my chair out right as I was sitting down, causing me to fall on my ass, “I can’t understand why guys find her so attractive when her mouth looks like it has been punched because her lips are so big.”
Smiling to myself like the cat that ate the cream, I wonder what she would think if she knew how much her dad likes having those lips wrapped around his cock.
He hasn’t complained.
Months later…
IN THE SAME MOTEL ROOM that has become a second home to me, where the smell of mold buried in the green rug has grown to be soothing and comforting like its color, the rough sheets on the bed familiar on my skin, I say good-bye to my first lover, to my benefactor, to a man I’ve grown to care for. But I guess not really since I’m leaving him anyway.