Earth Star(36)

I shuddered. ‘I know there are special rings that are safe, I’ve seen Rono Kipkibor of Cassandra 2 wearing one, but my head still …’ I broke off. ‘Oh this is stupid. Tellon Blaze was the only human being who wasn’t afraid of the chimera. His descendant can’t be scared of a nardle ring. I can face this. I’ll find out about the special rings and …’

Fian grabbed me and gave me a fierce kiss. ‘You don’t have to do that, Jarra. You’re serious about your relationship with me. That’s all I needed to know. You should talk more.’

‘Issette always says I talk too much.’

He shook his head. ‘Not about important things.’

‘Blame my psychologist. He was always trying to force me into talking about things that upset me, like being Handicapped and my parents dumping me. Issette thought her psychologist was wonderful, but …’

I shrugged. ‘Maybe Issette had a better psychologist than me. Hospital Earth tries to give the Handicapped the sort of jobs they want, whether they’re any good at them or not.’

‘I’m not your psychologist. You have to talk to me, Jarra. I’ve been worrying about the rings for weeks. When I saw you hero-worshipping Drago, I was wondering if I should just give up, pack my bags, and head back to join the class. The Military don’t really want me here, and I can’t stay in a relationship, however good, if I know the other person is already planning to walk away at the contract end date. It would be pure emotional torture.’

I had a painfully sharp mental image of what might have happened. ‘I’m really sorry. I know I keep dodging discussions, and I’m not very good at saying sentimental things, but …’

He laughed. ‘Not very good? Jarra, it’s easier to dig up a stasis box than get you to say a word about how you feel. I have to look for other clues. That’s why the ring symbol was so important to me.’

I pulled a face. ‘It’s just that some things are hard for me because … well, growing up in residences run by Hospital Earth can be tough sometimes.’

‘You’ve never talked to me about your life in the residences.’

‘You’ve had such a different childhood that I didn’t know how to start explaining. All that really matters is that I’m not used to sharing emotional stuff. I didn’t want to talk to my nosy psychologist, Candace always had a lot of other kids to worry about as well as me, and Issette had too many of her own problems for me to bother her with mine. When something hurt, I tried to pretend to myself that it didn’t, tried to avoid thinking about it. I know that’s not …’

I broke off for a moment. ‘I can’t totally change the way I am overnight, Fian, but I’ll work on this. I mustn’t keep shutting you out, so I’ll try and talk more, and I’ll do something about the rings as well.’

He shook his head. ‘Now I know we’re both committed to our relationship, I can cope without rings. It’ll probably only be a few days before we’re back at the dig site and are civilians again.’

I automatically corrected him. ‘Well, we’ll never be civilians again, but yes.’

Fian stared at me. ‘What do you mean?’

I looked at his puzzled face. He really didn’t know. We’d bypassed all the background information and basic training for sector recruits, skipped intake testing and just taken the oath, but I’d still assumed he’d realize … I broke the news to him.

‘We’ll never be civilians again. We’ve taken the oath, and those promises are for life. The Military have accepted us into their family, and their obligations are for life too. Once you’re Military, you can’t just leave and be civilian again. They worked that out centuries ago. It’s not just that people who’ve been Military for decades would find the adjustment hard. Delayed traumatic stress after something like Thetis can hit many years later and when it does people need proper support.’

‘But! But!’ Fian literally stuttered in panic. ‘What can I do in the Military? They want people to explore new planets and run the solar arrays, not to be archaeologists, and you can’t even leave Earth, so …?’

‘Calm down, Fian. The Military aren’t unreasonable. When this is over, they won’t just thrust us into Military careers. I expect they’ll offer us a choice between a Military career, which I obviously couldn’t have, and a permanent civilian sabbatical.’

I grinned. ‘Sabbaticals are usually for medical or solar array specialists working in University research groups. We’ll probably be the first ever Military to be on sabbatical studying history.’