Not that I blame him. How long can you wait for someone to get their shit together? Things weren’t good when I started college, and even back then Teo wasn’t sick and Miles didn’t get beat up on his way home nine times out of ten, and Dad… Dad seemed to be holding it together.
Well, until the day he up and left, saying he’d stay with friends. Never gave an explanation as to why he abandoned us, just like Mom did so many years before.
I spent too many sleepless nights trying to figure it out. I guess staying in the same house where she used to live wasn’t helping. Maybe the sight of us reminded him too much of her.
Hell if I know. Thing is, he’s gone. He comes and goes, never staying long, and I don’t know what to make of his moods anymore.
“Come Friday morning,” Coach West is saying. “And you’d better take this seriously, Dylan. You’re a good kid, and you have a real talent in sports. Don’t let it all go to waste.”
I nod, my throat closing again, because nobody has said anything good about me in a while, and I guess I need to fucking hear it from time to time, like the sucker I am. Like it matters.
Like talking with Coach West can make a difference. I don’t have time for college, haven’t had from the start. It was all a foolish dream. I don’t have the money, the time or the energy for anything more than work and my brothers, and even that is getting to be too much lately.
I confirm the appointment nevertheless, disconnect and stare out the window at the clouds hanging over houses and buildings. The weather matches my mood. Hard to believe just a couple years ago I had so many dreams. Four years ago. Even after Mom left and Dad started sinking into depression, I thought I could do this. The sports scholarship was all but promised to me, my brothers were okay, I had my friends, and I had Tessa.
God, I had Tessa… And then I let her go. I lost her.
My hands curl into fists, and I hang my head. Dammit, it was what I had to do. I’ve been over this in my mind a million times. It was best for her. With all the shit in my life, I’d only have dragged her down, and I feared… I feared a lot of things.
And yet I’m sorry I did it, and fucking furious at myself for that. For being weak. For still wanting her, needing her.
Fuck. Damn better this way. Better than feeling the way I did about her. That heart-clenching need for her that didn’t let me breathe. The same need that drove my father to his knees when my mother left him.
Her face flashes through my mind, those bright eyes, the pretty mouth, so soft and warm.
Christ. I’m over her. Have to be. Besides, I don’t have time for feelings and shit. I’m chin-deep in responsibilities, something a rich girl like Tessa could never understand. That’s what I keep telling myself every time I see her.
Not that it helps much.
I stand up, giving my seat to a white-haired woman with a walker and stand by the door.
Hell, I hope Teo is okay. He seemed to have a fever again this morning when I left home for work, but Dad said he’d be there, and I admit I was grateful to hear it. Although I don’t trust him to be a one hundred percent responsible parent—after all, he’s rarely been home the past year—I figured he could at least keep an eye on Teo until I got back. Too many missed days from work. Getting fired isn’t something I can afford right now. Food stamps can only get you so far with two small kids and medical bills.
And he fucking left.
We roll through the northern suburbs. Familiar territory. The bus stops, and I climb off, then jog the rest of the way home. Our house is a run-down little place, a small house built in the late seventies. The paint is peeling off the walls, despite my efforts a few months back to repaint at least the façade. There are leaks in the winter, and the heating isn’t working well.
Could be why Teo is always sick. Fuck.
Guilt weighs on me as I trudge down the road, shoulders hunched, braced against the cold wind. But where could I take him and Miles? The neighborhood is ugly, the house a faithful reflection of the area with its abandoned houses with squatters and drug addicts, and the yards full of junk. And that’s why we can afford the rent.
Or rather, we could. I’m two months behind in paying, and I don’t see… Fuck, I don’t see a way out. Dad has no money. His savings have apparently run dry, and he doesn’t work. We began to sell our stuff, like my bike, the computer, the TV, the stereo, and most of the furniture. Still not enough.
I slow down as I approach and walk more slowly down the narrow path to the door. The windows are dark. Charlie has a key to the house. Where is he?
Movement from the right catches my eye as I fumble for the key in my jeans pocket. It’s Charlie, waving at me from the fence that separates our yards. I hesitate, torn by the need to check on Teo, then jog over to see what he has to say.