I nod and sip at the coffee, grimacing at the unexpected sweetness. Then again, if I look as bad as I feel, it makes sense she’d heap on the sugar.
Zane accepts his mug and cradles it in his hands, looking around the living room. He hasn’t been here often, and I try to see the place through his eyes.
The walls are bare, because when Dad abandoned ship a year ago I had a moment of rage and tore down everything, mainly posters and pressed flowers Mom left. The furniture is old and covered in throw rugs, because despite my best efforts to clean it the covers are stained and fraying. One leg of the coffee table has been repaired with duct tape. I can’t even remember when I did that. The curtains are grimy. The carpet filthy.
Jesus. I remember my dad’s note in the cupboard. ‘Cleanse this house.’ Maybe he’s right.
I wince, waiting for Zane to comment.
But the seconds trickle by, turning into minutes, and Zane says nothing. Slowly he steps over to me and sits beside me on the sofa, next to Dakota.
“About Tessa…” he starts, and I raise a hand to stop him.
“That’s enough.”
Moments trickle by. Zane sighs and nods.
Dakota clears her throat. “Hey, you weren’t at Tyler and Erin’s place yesterday. Did you hear the news about Ash and Audrey?”
I shake my head, then regret it when it feels like my brain rattles inside my skull. “What news?”
“Ash and Audrey are having a baby. Ash proposed to her, and she accepted.” Dakota’s big eyes are soft with emotion, and Zane is grinning. “Isn’t it great?”
“Wow.” I search for words. “That’s amazing.”
“You should have seen how happy they look.” Dakota looks down, into her steaming mug. “It was awesome.”
Asher always knew who he wanted to be with, and he fought against the odds until he convinced Audrey to be his.
I also know who I want, who I’ve always wanted. Tessa. Only I fucked up, and now it’s too late. Damn, the thought of not seeing her, not having her around is a hot blade in my gut.
“Can we do anything for you?” Dakota asks. “I could take Miles to school sometimes and babysit.”
I’m grinding my jaw, and I force myself to stop. “That would be a huge help.”
“What do you need?”
“If you could babysit tomorrow afternoon, while I’m at work, that’d be fantastic. I’ve asked my neighbors to do it once too many.”
Tessa would love to babysit, I hear Audrey’s voice in my head. She loves kids.
Shit.
“Deal.” Dakota smiles, and I do my best to smile back. “I’ll be here.”
“Don’t you have classes or something?”
“I’ll arrange it, take one afternoon off.”
“And I can drop Miles off to school tomorrow,” Zane says.
“Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.”
I really am grateful—but the future stretches ahead of me, uncertain and going uphill. Maybe it’s the fatigue that plagues me, but I can’t help but wonder what will happen after tomorrow. Who will take the boys to school, who will protect Miles from the bullies, who will babysit while I work…
How I will go on without Tessa’s bright smile.
Although it feels good to have my friends here, hope has long deserted me, and I’m already bracing for the worst.
***
Jim, the senior personal trainer at the gym, looks up as I enter and waves. “Hey, Dylan. Feeling better today?”
“Yeah,” I say carefully, pasting on a smile. “Much better, thanks.”
“Glad to hear it.” He gives me a thumbs up, and I return it.
Two days ago, when he last saw me, I had to leave work because I almost passed out when getting up from a machine. Can’t even remember which one.
Damn scary.
So today I take it easy, fend off the advances of three chicks and help others with their exercises.
Time passes way too slowly. At least I know Dakota is at home with my brothers, second day in a row, and that’s a weight off my shoulders. I’m going through the motions, ever since Tessa left my house saying she can’t do this anymore, ever since Zane and Dakota came over and told me to leave Tessa alone.
Payback is a bitch, isn’t it? I made Tess suffer, and now it’s my turn.
I want to make her happy, be the reason she smiles. I want to hold her, kiss her, fill her up until she screams with pleasure. Until she screams my name. Until my name is the only one in her thoughts.
Too late for that now.
Hours pass. The customers leave, and others arrive. I make my rounds, nodding and exchanging empty pleasantries, my mind stuck on one face, one scent, one body.
Tess…
The day’s work is almost over, and the thought fills me with relief. My cell rings, and I answer absently while correcting the posture of a new guy using the chest fly machine. “Yeah?”