Dylan(55)

Tessa’s image flashes in my mind again. Dammit. Seems like I have to convince everyone around me I’m not the heartless asshole I appear.

Maybe eventually I can even convince myself.

***

While waiting for the bus, I call Tessa again, to ask how she’s doing, but she doesn’t reply. I stare at my cell screen, trying not to read anything in it. Maybe she’s busy or in the shower. Maybe she’ll call me back later.

An hour later, stepping off the bus, I call once more. Still no reply.

I work my jaw, trying to release some of the tension. The chilly wind blowing down the street and right through my old jacket isn’t helping. Teeth chattering, I call Audrey’s apartment—and get Ash.

“Hey, Dylan.” He sounds cheerful enough—for Ash—and I relax a little.

“How’s everything?” I trudge down the street, and there’s a smell of burning wood on the air. “Is Tessa okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s with Audrey and Dakota. They went shopping. She needs clothes, apparently.”

He makes it sound like a crazy thing to do—but I remember how pale and scared Tessa was after encountering Sean on her doorstep. Of course she wouldn’t want to go back to get her clothes.

“Listen…” I’m approaching home, rounding the street bend. “Tell her I’ll go with her. If she wants to go back to her apartment, get her things.”

“Anyone of us can go with her, man, if that’s what she wants,” Asher mutters.

“I know. Just tell her, okay? And if there’s anything else she needs…” Dammit, Dylan. What can you offer her she doesn’t already have? “If she needs a job, I… I need a babysitter. Tell her.”

Yeah, I’m finally off my rocker. How can I afford a babysitter?

Then again, if someone looks after my bros, then maybe I can get more jobs.

As if Tessa would want to be anywhere around my brothers and me. As if she can’t find a job a thousand times better. She’s an intelligent person. She doesn’t need to look after my family for pennies.

“I’ll tell her,” Asher says, and then, “You shouldn’t have done it, man. You should have stayed away from her.”

I stumble and catch my footing in the last second before I faceplant. Fuck him. I want to tell him to shove it, but I can’t. Because that’s exactly what I told him about Audrey. To stay away from her. I don’t know if he’s throwing my words back into my face deliberately or by chance. In any case, he’s right. I should.

Only I can’t.

“You didn’t stay away from Audrey. And you’re happy.”

“Dylan…”

“What? What did Tessa tell you?”

“Fuck, man… I’m not your dad. I’m just saying it would be easier for her if you stayed away.”

Heat climbs my neck. Shit. I kick at a stone on the sidewalk and watch it skitter away. “Dammit. I can’t… fucking be without her. This sucks.”

“Took you a long time to realize that.”

“Like it took you with Audrey?”

“You know what? Fuck you, Dylan,” Ash mutters. “You don’t get to be judgmental, not of me, do you hear?”

“I hear you.” I want to snap and yell at him, but he’s right again. He still hasn’t forgiven me. Why should he? I deserve his anger.

“She waited for you,” Ash goes on. He’s on a roll today. “She threw you fucking birthday parties, had your back ever since I can remember, and you never glanced at her fucking twice since you broke up back in school, and now you suddenly decide to have her back, now that she’s going through this mess with her parents and this stalker guy? What the hell, man?”

I wince and start walking faster. “I had my reasons for what I did, and for all it’s worth, I’m fucking sorry. I know I screwed up.”

“Sorry? Well, guess what. It’s her you should tell that to, not me, and you’ll have to try harder than that. Just saying you’re sorry doesn’t fucking cut it.”

I let out a long breath. Yeah… Only problem is, she doesn’t seem to need me anymore, and the thought terrifies me.

I thought we could be friends. That I’d still get to be around her, see her, smell her, feel her… But I want more, and I took more, and now I’ve broken what little was left for us both.

“I will,” I say. “Shit, man, I’ll try harder.”

“You’d better.” Ash is saying something more, but his voice fades as a buzzing starts in my ears. I slow down.

Dad is standing at the front door. He’s holding it half-open, looking right at me.