God, I had Tessa… And then I let her go. I lost her.
My hands curl into fists, and I hang my head. Dammit, it was what I had to do. I’ve been over this in my mind a million times. It was best for her. With all the shit in my life, I’d only have dragged her down, and I feared… I feared a lot of things.
And yet I’m sorry I did it, and fucking furious at myself for that. For being weak. For still wanting her, needing her.
Fuck. Damn better this way. Better than feeling the way I did about her. That heart-clenching need for her that didn’t let me breathe. The same need that drove my father to his knees when my mother left him.
Her face flashes through my mind, those bright eyes, the pretty mouth, so soft and warm.
Christ. I’m over her. Have to be. Besides, I don’t have time for feelings and shit. I’m chin-deep in responsibilities, something a rich girl like Tessa could never understand. That’s what I keep telling myself every time I see her.
Not that it helps much.
I stand up, giving my seat to a white-haired woman with a walker and stand by the door.
Hell, I hope Teo is okay. He seemed to have a fever again this morning when I left home for work, but Dad said he’d be there, and I admit I was grateful to hear it. Although I don’t trust him to be a one hundred percent responsible parent—after all, he’s rarely been home the past year—I figured he could at least keep an eye on Teo until I got back. Too many missed days from work. Getting fired isn’t something I can afford right now. Food stamps can only get you so far with two small kids and medical bills.
And he fucking left.
We roll through the northern suburbs. Familiar territory. The bus stops, and I climb off, then jog the rest of the way home. Our house is a run-down little place, a small house built in the late seventies. The paint is peeling off the walls, despite my efforts a few months back to repaint at least the façade. There are leaks in the winter, and the heating isn’t working well.
Could be why Teo is always sick. Fuck.
Guilt weighs on me as I trudge down the road, shoulders hunched, braced against the cold wind. But where could I take him and Miles? The neighborhood is ugly, the house a faithful reflection of the area with its abandoned houses with squatters and drug addicts, and the yards full of junk. And that’s why we can afford the rent.
Or rather, we could. I’m two months behind in paying, and I don’t see… Fuck, I don’t see a way out. Dad has no money. His savings have apparently run dry, and he doesn’t work. We began to sell our stuff, like my bike, the computer, the TV, the stereo, and most of the furniture. Still not enough.
I slow down as I approach and walk more slowly down the narrow path to the door. The windows are dark. Charlie has a key to the house. Where is he?
Movement from the right catches my eye as I fumble for the key in my jeans pocket. It’s Charlie, waving at me from the fence that separates our yards. I hesitate, torn by the need to check on Teo, then jog over to see what he has to say.
“Dylan.” Charlie waits until I come within hearing distance. “Teo’s here. I brought him over, so Kate and I can keep an eye on him. I hope that’s okay.”
My breath leaves my lungs in a rush. “Yeah, that’s great. Man, can’t tell you how grateful I am. I thought…”
Thought the worst. Lately, I always do.
“Kate made pulled ham. Come eat with us.”
“Nah, I’m good. I just ate,” I lie and hope my stomach won’t growl and betray me. “I’ll just check if dad is home, and then I’ll take the boys off your hands.”
Ignoring his protests, I head back to the house and unlock the door. It swings open with a creak. Silence greets me. It’s cold and dark. Damn. I flip the living room lights on. Room’s empty. I go through the house, opening doors.
No sign of Dad. Where did he go? As if I need to worry about him, too.
But I do worry about him. My head hurts, and my chest feels tight. The usual mixture of concern, fear and anger I carry around on most days.
He isn’t here. The realization slowly dawns on me. He left Teo at home alone and disappeared God knows where.
Now anger flares, burning out all other emotion, erasing it. I kick at a chair, send it skittering across the floor. What the hell was the bastard thinking?
What the fuck am I supposed to do? Go looking for him? Where?
No, I can’t leave. Teo. And Miles. That’s who I’m supposed to look after. Where I’m supposed to be right now.
Turning on my heel, I head back toward the main door, when a paper left on the kitchen table catches my eye. Probably something my bros left while playing. Still… A bad feeling in the pit of my stomach makes me stomp into the kitchen to take a look at it.