I should apologize to him, I think, and not for the first time. Yet, like every time, I hold my tongue and grab my own beer instead, taking a long swig.
Damn. “So what’s new?”
“There’s a chance Ash might get a sports scholarship for college,” Audrey says, her eyes shining. She looks so proud of him.
Ash’s cheeks color. “It’s not sure yet. But if I do get it, I’m keeping my job at the sports center. It could work out.”
“That’s excellent, man. Fucking awesome. So pleased for you.” And I mean it. I hope he can hear it in my voice.
It seems he does, because he smiles and nods.
We eat in silence for a while. The pizza is good, and I inhale mine in record time. I catch Audrey’s eyes on me and force myself to slow down, my ears burning. But then I see that Ash has also demolished his, and it makes me feel better.
A glance at Teo shows his face covered in ketchup. He’s drawing designs on the table top with the sauce, and I swallow a sigh. Miles is munching thoughtfully, and the look is too old for his small face.
How do I get a stubborn ten-year-old to open up and tell me who’s bullying him? Miles changed a lot over this past year. Since Dad left, he became more distant. I get why, but I also need to take care of him—and not knowing what’s going on isn’t helping.
“You know, Dyl,” Audrey says quietly. “Tessa would have liked to help out, but—”
“No,” I snap. The word cracks like a gunshot. Even Teo looks at me, his mouth open. “No,” I say more calmly. “She won’t know what to do.”
“Seriously, man?” Ash throws me a disgusted look. “How long will you stay on your high horse, judging people?”
“My high horse?”
“Yeah. You don’t know her. You should see her with Jax. She’s a fucking natural. Having money doesn’t mean she’s useless, you know.”
Fuck. Ash is right. Besides… That’s not the real reason I don’t want Tessa to come over, and I’m well aware of that. I just can’t invite her here. Not only because of the comparisons she’ll draw—this hovel against her high-end apartment—but also because I can’t trust myself around her. I try and keep away, avoid looking at her whenever she’s around, but it’s hard. Having her here… My control is weakening in each and every way.
“Did she say she wanted to visit?” I ask.
“Should she fucking beg for the privilege?” Ash drawls, his hand tightening around the beer can until it starts to crunch.
“Ash…” Audrey puts a hand on his arm. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” His gaze nails me, cold and angry.
Fuck. I guess there’s no putting off my apology any longer.
“Listen, Ash.” I glance at my brothers, and I’m glad to see they seem more interested in the pizza than my confessions. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, that’s good,” he cuts in before I get another word out. “But, right now, it’s not me you should be apologizing to.”
I grimace. “Right.”
He shrugs and looks away. “I’m not… not really mad at you, man. Not like I used to be, at least. I know you have a lot going on. Just remember others do too, yeah?”
“Yeah.” I nod, relieved and discouraged all at once. “I get it.”
“I mean it about the high horse, though,” he goes on, his eyes narrowing on me. “You hurt Tessa, I’ll tan your hide.”
He doesn’t see that not inviting her over is the only way not to hurt her, but it’s all too complicated to explain, and I’m not sure it makes sense. So I just nod, knowing that, although Ash says he’s not really mad at me, I still have lots of amends to make.
Chapter Three
Tessa
It’s Saturday. The gala is today. And I don’t want to go.
Time just won’t stop on the happier moments. It tends to stall when you most want it to pass. I lie on my king-sized bed, staring up at the white ceiling. The clouds sailing in the sky outside the big window dapple the light, so that the room seems to ripple.
I close my eyes. I want to sleep clear through the weekend, until Monday. It’s not that I’m agoraphobic, or even shy. I like going out with my friends, but I hate these impersonal, stiff, huge gatherings, the fluffed-up women wearing all the jewelry they can carry and the men parading them around like trophies.
Weekend means spending time with my friends, hanging out, laughing and dancing. Only this reminds me of Dylan, and how he’s no longer part of my life. It hurts like a blade twisting in my chest.