But she couldn’t throw her blinds up so now all she could think about was Derek and all she could wonder about was how long she was going to hold herself apart.
She wanted him. It would be stupid and pointless to lie to herself. She hadn’t wanted another man in years, had comforted the needs of her body with a vibrator she’d actually named and when it had died, she’d cried at that, too. She’d mourned her goddamn vibrator.
She was so screwed up.
There was beer in the fridge. The idea twisted around in her head like a snake ready to bite her. Derek had brought a six pack with him but he’d only had two. There were four cold beers just sitting there, and Derek didn’t know enough to get pissed if she drank one. Alcohol had never been her drug of choice. Oh, no. When she went all in, she didn’t fuck around. She liked the hard stuff. She liked to stick a needle in her arm.
But the beer might take the edge off.
She let the blind she’d been peeking through slide back down. No. She shoved that thought right back. Soft stuff led to hard stuff and nothing ever really took the edge off.
Life, she’d discovered, was nothing but edges. It was how a person navigated them that meant something.
Karina sat back on her bed, the one that had never seen another person but her. Her lonely bed. Her widow’s bed.
She’d enjoyed putting a plate in front of Derek Brighton, enjoyed watching his eyes close in pleasure as he’d eaten, enjoyed the way he sighed and asked for more.
The years had passed and she’d forgotten how good it felt to please someone with her cooking. She ate crap now. She grabbed takeout because it was quick and she didn’t have anyone to eat with. She’d forgotten how much better food tasted when she spent time on it and had someone to share it with.
She’d thought she could fill the holes in her heart by helping people, by becoming the PI version of Mother freaking Teresa. The problem was Brighton reminded her of why she could never be a nun.
She was going to a club with him tomorrow. She was going to prance around in her corset and heels and pretend that big gorgeous man was her Dom. She’d promised to obey him, to let him top her. She would be under his command and that thought didn’t piss her off the way it should.
Ever since Kevin died, she’d played at D/s. She’d performed scenes, but the minute the scene was done, she’d gone right back to being friends. Sure, Li had taken her to a privacy room a couple of times, but he’d only done that because she’d needed to talk. She hadn’t wanted the whole club to see her sobbing and Li was a good listener.
She wasn’t sure Derek wanted to listen. Even if he would, she wasn’t sure what she would say.
Would she tell him she admired him? Oh, sure there had been that one time when he’d had her arrested for impeding an investigation but she’d totally gotten him back by siccing IA on him.
She shouldn’t have done that. Damn it. Sometimes her need for justice led her astray. When she really looked back, she was probably in the wrong on that one. She’d been mad at him, but now that she thought about it, she probably had been impeding the investigation. He’d caught the guy even while he’d been dealing with an IA investigation.
He was kind of a hero.
She sighed. He was totally a hero. He’d been a Green Beret and then when he’d come home he’d gone into law enforcement because that was who he was. He was the type of guy who wouldn’t be happy unless he knew he was taking care of someone. He needed to protect and serve.
Serve. He could totally serve her. He could service her. He could make her feel so fucking good.
A loud bang made her eyes widen. Adrenaline poured through her system because someone was moving in her living room.
She immediately got to her feet and had a gun in her hand before she could take her next breath. She kept them in a couple of places around the apartment.
Derek. It was Derek. It had to be because she knew damn straight he wouldn’t sleep through that. He couldn’t. Even as she slunk out of her bedroom door, she knew what she would find.
Derek was still on the couch. His hands were up as though he was fighting. He punched out.
Karina stepped around the lamp that was now on the floor. At least it hadn’t broken.
“No. Fucking no.” Derek’s voice was low, as though he wasn’t sure he wanted anyone to hear him.
Her heart skipped a beat. He was caught in something horrible and she stopped. She wasn’t some innocent thing. She’d had nightmares of her own and she knew Derek was caught in one. He was lost in some hellhole where the world was set ablaze and he couldn’t save anyone or anything.
Her heart damn near broke for him because she understood that piece of Derek Brighton that had eluded her before. He hurt. He ached. When he closed his eyes, he went to Hell.