Drizzled with Death(46)

“You know what the most surprising thing about all of this is? That Knowlton knew enough about sex to make up something interesting. That guy has hidden depths.” Piper got the kind of look in her eyes she always did before announcing some new delicious idea she had for the restaurant.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“About what?” She batted her baby blues my way, like she did at flirtatious geezers who said more than they should. Like she did when we were kids and the teacher thought she’d been stirring up trouble.

“About Knowlton. You know how you are about hidden depths. If you start trying to plumb his, or worse, let him get round to measuring yours, I will lose my anchor in the sea of reality.” And I would, too. Some things a person can count on. Mosquitoes will bite, paper cuts will sting, and Knowlton will not be of romantic interest. These things were as immutable as the laws governing the moon’s trip around the earth. It was bad enough Knowlton had invented some escapades for me. Watching Piper contemplate stirring some up with him for real was enough to drive me away from my fries. And nothing ever drove me from my fries.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Good. See that it remains that way. I may be young but there is only so much my ticker can take in one week.” And just as always happens, the Stack filled up all at once, like a basement after a sudden storm. Piper hurried back behind the counter to welcome the newcomers and Mitch took the opportunity to fill her spot.

“So I hear not only have you been bopping off the locals, you’re hallucinating, too.” Mitch reached across the table and plucked one of my fries off my plate like we were in the habit of companionably sharing food. I was pleased to see a big blob of syrup land in the middle of his uniform shirt. If the angle was just right, you could see a bit of softening across his midriff. The syrup landed just about where a spare tire was thinking of inflating.

“I must be because I could swear I just saw an officer of the law steal some of my meal.” I yanked my plate closer and wrapped my arm around it like a pirate guarding his rations.

“Yup. You surely are seeing things then. You know how upright our police officers are.”

“I seem to remember you trying to convince me to join you in being anything but upright.” I speared a forkful of outrageously delicious sandwich and bit down on it with more force than I had intended. Mitch blushed a bit under his baby-smooth shave. He probably would never be able to grow a beard like Grampa’s.

“I heard you were hallucinating about mountain lions out at your property the other night.” Mitch always did know how to change a subject.

“Now where’d you hear a thing like that?” Myra was the only one I could think of who knew about my call. Honestly, I was surprised she hadn’t gotten on the horn and spread the news before she even put in the call to Fish and Game.

“From that game warden.” Unbelievable. And to think I had maligned Myra in my mind.

“I think you mean conservation officer. And why would he tell you a thing like that?”

“We’re both law enforcement officials, and I think he wanted my expert opinion on the reliability of the person who claimed to have witnessed the big cat.”

“I see.” If Graham didn’t hurry up and finish his business in Sugar Grove, I was going to be tempted to move out.

“Don’t worry. I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know.” His hand crept across the Formica tabletop at about the same rate Graham’s sloth would have.

“Which was?” I grabbed a sticky menu from the rack at the table and whacked the back of his hand with it.

“That you’re a crazy pipsqueak with a taste for the grape.”

“He said that?”

“Not in those exact words but that’s what it boiled down to in the end. He stopped by the station after he got done at your place. Asked if you had ever been picked up for DWI or public drunkenness. Wondered if you were legally blind or affected poorly by the full moon. That sort of thing.”

“All of which you confirmed, apparently.”

“Well, I felt duty bound to reveal it was you who spiked the punch at the post-prom party.”

“I added a container of iced tea mix because it wasn’t sweet enough.”

“And that you suffered from eye strain.”

“How do you figure that?”

“You were voted class bookworm. That had to lead to some permanent damage.”

“Dare I ask about the moon?”

“Remember in the fifth grade how you jumped on Andy Peals and started hitting him with your lunch box when he mooned the pastor’s wife from the school bus?”