“Mara, sweetheart, just grab what you need and –” I heard Mitch say from close but I moved, drifting out of the room and down the hall where I switched the light on to the kids’ room.
The same there. Their new beds where annihilated. The bedclothes slashed and shredded. Their new and old clothes scattered across the room.
I saw something and walked to it, picking up the remnants of Billie’s new, tiny, pink fluffy teddy bear that Mitch bought her. She loved that thing. It was the nicest toy she owned. She slept with it every night since he gave it to her. Every night. She never let it go even as heavy as she slept.
She never let it go.
Why would Mom and Lulamae do this? Why?
As these things go, whatever fog that had drifted around me cleared and the crushing weight of what I was seeing landed on me.
I needed new everything. The kids did too.
Everything.
Without me telling my body to do it, I folded into a deep, knees-closed squat, my ass to my ankles, my knees in my chest. I wrapped my arms around the back of my head as I pressed my face into my knees, feeling the soft fur of Billie’s decimated teddy bear brushing my cheek.
“Fuck,” I heard Mitch mutter.
I was sobbing into my knees, oblivious to everything but the hatred and ugliness that surrounded me. All that was hideous about the home I grew up in washing through my life, the one I’d worked so hard to build, the one I desperately wanted to give Billy and Billie. As ever, all I knew, all I was, all that was contained in the blood flowing through my veins shredding everything good that I worked so hard to have.
More fool I that I thought I’d ever get away from it, escape it. Ever.
I felt myself moving and then I was in Mitch’s arms. I wound mine around his neck, pressed my face in his throat and sobbed silently against his skin as he carried me through my apartment. I vaguely heard the police tape tearing off the doorframe and we were in the breezeway. Then we were in Mitch’s apartment.
“Oh fuck,” I heard Bray whisper. “That doesn’t look like it went too well.”
I didn’t lift my head and Mitch didn’t pause in walking as I heard him issue orders.
“Go get LaTanya,” Mitch said to Bray. “Mara’ll need stuff for a while. Tell her she needs to be careful about what she touches; she only touches what she’s bringin’ over. Nothin’ else. Can you do that for Mara?”
“Absolutely,” Bradon replied.
Then Mitch was moving funny and I vaguely noticed he was no longer standing but sitting. I was folded in his lap, his arms tight around me. This didn’t register except that I burrowed deeper and held on tighter, pressing my face hard into his neck.
One of his hands started stroking my back. I felt his head tilt down and his lips at my ear.
“It’s okay, baby, everything’s gonna be okay,” he whispered there.
“I wah… worked so hard,” I stammered back.
“I know,” Mitch replied gently.
“I wah… worked so hard to be eh… eh… everything they weren’t. To have duh… decent things around me,” I stuttered into his skin. “Wah… wah… why do they hate me so much? What did I ever do to them except bah… bah… breathe?”
Mitch didn’t respond but he kept his head tilted to me, I could feel his cheek pressed against my hair and I felt his hand moving, warm and soothing on my back. After a while it penetrated that this felt nice and when it did, my tears started to subside.
Mitch heard it and repeated, “Everything’s gonna be okay, Mara.”
I nodded against his neck not believing him for a second.
In a cautious voice, he asked, “Do you have renter’s insurance?”
I blinked at his neck. Then I pulled my face out of it, his head came up and my watery eyes went to his.
“Pardon?”
“Renter’s insurance, baby, do you have it?”
Oh my God! I did! I totally did! I had maximum protection! The insurance guy was in fits of ecstasy when I signed on the dotted line. He said no one opted for my policy. He even told me that although it went against the grain, he advised I didn’t need that much protection. I didn’t care. It was my experience if something bad could happen, it would and I was always planning for that day.
And that day had come.
Relief swept through me so strong, I pulled back from Mitch but only so I could do the exact same thing I did the night before. I placed a hand on either side of his handsome head and pulled his face to me as I leaned and kissed him hard and quick on his mouth.
Then I yanked back and threw both my arms up in the air, smiling big and saying loudly, “I do! I have maximum protection!” I dropped my arms, wrapped my hands around his neck and bent my forehead to touch his, closing my eyes hard and I breathed, “Thank God. I forgot. Thank God.” I opened my eyes and looked into his. “I’m covered. We’re covered. Thank God!”