“Quiet,” he replied softly.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
Lips to my hair, Mitch said gently, “Mara, honey, I needed to know why you did that because it occurred to me after you told your story that there’s a reason you’re pathologically shy around men you’re attracted to. And that reason might not be healthy. And I gotta know what I got on my hands with you.” I tried to tilt my head back but he kept it in his throat and kept speaking. “But what you just told me is not unhealthy. What you just told me tells me that I’ve already broken through that cocoon.”
“You really haven’t,” I blurted in all honesty.
“Baby, you just told me you think of me as Billie’s new Dad to your new Mom. Soon, those kids are gonna be yours officially and any guy lucky enough to get you is gonna have to be a guy lucky enough that you think he’ll make a decent Dad to those kids. And obviously, you think that of me. So if that isn’t a big, freaking tear in the shit you got wound tight around you, nothin’ is.”
My head jerked back, taking his hand with it and I looked at him.
“I don’t think of you as Billie’s new Dad.”
“Baby, you do. You just said it.”
Shit! I did!
“It may have sounded that way but I don’t think of you as Billie’s new Dad.” Though, thinking on it, that was a kind of lie because, truthfully, I kind of did.
“At the time, you didn’t blink before you asked, ‘are you doin’ the drugstore run or am I?’ It was a given to you I’d be there through whatever we had on our hands with Billie. You didn’t ask me if I minded goin’ to the store. You assumed one or the other of us would make the run to get Billie what she needed.”
“I wasn’t thinking clearly then because I was scared and she was sick. But I don’t think of you as her new Dad. That’s crazy!”
Another kind of but definitely desperate lie.
“Okay, then when you were layin’ it out for me about how we make decisions as a team about those kids, something which you not only laid out but you also reminded me about, you did not lay it out and say what you say goes because you’re their guardian. You said we’re a team and we discuss decisions and make them together. And that was even before Billie got sick.”
Shit. I did that too.
I didn’t respond. I just glared at him.
“Right now, take a second, go back and think about what you just said to me, fuck, all that you’ve said to me when it comes to Bud and Billie,” he ordered firmly.
I glared at him. Then I took a second to go back and think about what I just said to him and all I’d said to him but I didn’t need to because, essentially, I did say that. All of it.
“I didn’t actually mean it that way.” This time I semi-lied.
“No, you don’t actually mean it that way now, now that you’re not freaking out and being honest. Now, you’re freaking out a different way and lyin’ through your teeth.”
God, I hated it when he figured me out.
Mitch wasn’t done talking but when he spoke again he pulled me closer as he leaned his face to within an inch of mine and his voice was low, gentle and sweet when he rocked my world.
“That’s another thing that doesn’t turn me off, sweetheart, knowin’ that you come with those kids and you need to know that. You also need to know I want kids of my own, two of them. But I don’t care, if this works out between me and you, that the kids we have will have an older brother and sister that don’t have my blood, just my heart.”
I blinked up at him knowing my lips were parted but my body had melted into his at the same time feeling the tears sting my nose. I was about to cry because Mitch had obviously already let Billy and Billie into his heart. And I was about to cry just thinking about making kids with Mitch which wouldn’t be a dream come true. It would be something better. More beautiful. Beyond a dream and I didn’t know what that was. All I knew was that I wanted it like I wanted a lifetime of his good mornings and him looking at me the way he did when I walked into his living room that night and coming home to me and kissing my neck then my lips when he was laughing.
“Did you hear me?” he asked when I said not a word.
“Yes,” I whispered.
“So you don’t have to lie about thinkin’ that about me and Billie because I don’t mind.”
I decided to change the subject immediately. Mostly because I was about to burst into tears and I didn’t want to do that on my first date with Detective Mitch Lawson. The date had already been harrowing enough.
“Well, you can forget about the whole me being shy around men unhealthy thing because I’m all right with men. It’s just you I’m not all right with.”