Dream Wedding(147)
Helen had been a slight woman, with mahogany-colored hair and big, dark eyes. The first picture showed her and John standing together, their arms wrapped around each other. They were obviously in love. Cassie fought against the envy that swelled inside of her. She wanted that for herself—true love and someone to share it with.
“They look so happy,” Ryan said. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees while he studied the photo. “I still can’t believe I thought my brother was crazy to cut back his hours. As I look through these pictures, I know he did exactly the right thing. I just wish I’d been able to tell him at the time.”
“He knew,” Cassie said. She turned several pages. In every one the couple gazed at each other, their love a tangible part of their beings. “It shows everywhere.”
There was a picture of a very pregnant Helen at a summer barbecue. John stood behind her, his hands splayed across her belly.
“He loved her,” Ryan said. “She meant everything to him, and him to her. I see it all so clearly now. I admire him for being able to turn his back on how he was raised. It’s not easy to give up old habits and fears. My mother always told us that if we stopped working, we would lose it all. Yet, he did it anyway.”
“His love was stronger than his fear,” Cassie said. “But you’re right, it is tough to give up old beliefs.”
She held her glass of wine in both hands. She understood because she was wrestling with her own demons. She’d nearly forgotten about them in the past few years, but since her breakup with Joel, they’d started visiting her again.
They came in the night and whispered that if she wanted too much, if she tried to get what she really wanted, she would just lose it. Better to take a little less. Then she wouldn’t be at risk. She’d come to realize that those fears had been the basis of her relationship with Joel. Chloe had been right—she had settled. Wanting Joel wasn’t the same as wanting it all. Losing him wouldn’t break her heart. So he’d been safe to love. Now she was thinking about going after her heart’s desire, the price of which could destroy her.
What if she really fell in love? What if she gave all of herself, then lost it? She’d already been abandoned twice, first by her birth parents, then when her adopted parents had died. She didn’t want to risk that happening again.
“What are you thinking?” Ryan asked.
She glanced at him and saw that he was watching her. “That no matter how scary it is, we still have to go after our dreams.”
“What are you scared of?”
She shrugged. “Mostly of not belonging. That’s what Joel was for me. An easy way to fit in. Now I’m feeling strong enough to go out and find a way to fit in on my own. Bradley will always be my hometown, but I’m not sure that staying here is such a good idea. I’m not going to magically finds roots. I have to go out and grow them. That might mean trying a different way of life. I need to figure out what’s really important to me and then go after it.”
The words sounded brave. She hoped she had the strength of character to do it, despite the demons that whispered she would only fail.
“I admire you,” he said. “You’re the most honest person I know.”
She thought about her secret passion for Ryan. “Please don’t make me out to be incredibly virtuous. I’m not at all.” She wanted to say more, but he was sitting too close. She could feel his leg lightly pressing against hers. Maybe it was the wine or the fire, but she was suddenly warm.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said.
She made the mistake of looking at him and found herself getting lost in his green eyes. A man shouldn’t be so beautiful, she thought to herself as all the air rushed out of her lungs. It wasn’t fair. How was she supposed to keep her head about her when he looked so incredibly perfect? And why didn’t he just take her in his arms and kiss her? Couldn’t he feel the tension between them? Didn’t he know that she wanted to be with him? The image of them together, touching and tasting, holding and doing all those things she knew about in theory, if not in practice, haunted her.
Their gazes locked. The temperature in the room cranked up yet another notch until she found it difficult to breathe. The night closed in around them, making her feel isolated, but deliciously safe with Ryan. Only Ryan.
He leaned forward. He was going to kiss her. She knew it…believed it…anticipated it. He reached his hand toward her, long fingers that would stroke her skin and leave her….
“It’s late. You need to be in bed. Good night, Cassie.”