Cassie had been afraid that Ryan might take her comments too much to heart. He stood up and actually backed away from her. His expression was trapped and his hands came up in a protective gesture. If she hadn’t been so tired and vulnerable, she might have found the situation amusing.
But tonight she wasn’t feeling especially strong. If only things had been different, she thought. If only Ryan wanted her as much as she wanted him. If only… How many hearts had broken apart on those rocky words?
“Don’t panic,” she said, deliberately keeping her words light. “I’m not going to beg you to come to bed or ask you to father my child. While you were technically involved in my awakening, passion-wise, this isn’t really about you.”
“That’s not how it looks from here.”
At least her headache had faded, she thought with gratitude, so it wasn’t difficult to think. “We went over this when we talked this morning, Ryan. We’re very different people. I’ll agree that there are some similarities as far as our personalities go, but none of this is about having a relationship with you.” Even though she knew she wanted one.
As long as she kept the truth from him, he would never feel obligated to try to spare her feelings. That was one thing she didn’t think she could bear…Ryan’s polite dismissal.
“Then what is it about?” he asked.
She motioned to the sofa and waited until he’d settled down again. “I know that you and I will never have more than a working relationship, and I’m fine with that. The kiss was a fluke. A very nice fluke, but not significant in the scheme of things.”
“It was significant enough to cause you to break up with Joel.”
Okay, so the man had a point. “Not exactly,” she hedged. “It showed me a truth I’d long suspected. I realized I had to make a choice. For years Chloe has been telling me I was just settling for Joel. She told me there was a lot more out there and I owed it to myself to explore the world. I never thought she was right. I thought she had an irrational dislike of Joel.”
She wasn’t sure but his shoulders seemed to be relaxing a little. “And now?”
“Now I’ve had my eyes opened. I don’t think I was settling for Joel. He’s a wonderful man and I’ll always be happy that he was in my life. But I want more than he and I can have together. I want to try to have the best of both worlds. Companionship and passion.”
“And that’s it?”
She nodded. “I’m being honest, Ryan. After nine years of dating Joel, what we shared is gone. When I drove home I kept waiting for the anguish. I thought it would be like losing an arm or something.” She pressed her lips together and looked away. She didn’t want him to see the tears filling her eyes.
“Are you crying?” he asked sharply.
She sniffed. “Yes, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. All I feel is relief. Not sadness or regret or pain. I thought I would feel more.”
“You might later.”
“I’m sure you’re right. But my heart isn’t broken and I’m not sorry about what happened. Any of it,” she added. “Obviously the kiss has made you terribly uncomfortable with me, and I do feel badly about that. For me it was a call to action. I hope you don’t worry that it’s anything else.”
“I’m not uncomfortable,” he said. “Kissing you did not make me uncomfortable.”
Cassie had to suppress a smile. She hadn’t meant to offend him, but the male ego was a fragile, albeit complicated, thing. “What I meant,” she said carefully, “is that you have some genuine reasons for concern. I really appreciate that. I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault.” She drew in a deep breath.
Now came the hard part. This morning it had been surprisingly easy to “fake” being okay with everything that had happened…mostly because she found that she was all right. She might lust after Ryan and his body, she might think he was brilliant and wonderful and that they would be perfect together. But he didn’t think that, and she wasn’t foolish enough to try to convince herself otherwise. She would enjoy their conversations and contact while she could, then when it was over, she would do her best to put him behind her.
“I don’t want you to worry that I’m going to make a play for you,” she said. For the first time, she felt a heat on her cheeks and it took all her strength not to turn away from his intense gaze. “Just as you were worried about me feeling in danger and took the time to reassure me, I want to do the same. I’m not going to spend my day making calf eyes at you.”