His words created a warm feeling in Cassie’s stomach. Ryan had come to care about his niece. They would do well for each other, she thought, pleased that the sweet child would always have a family of her own. Someone who knew her history and could, in later years, tell her about her parents. Roots were important—Cassie knew that firsthand.
Ryan fished another candy bar out of the bowl. He offered it to Cassie, but she shook her head. He opened it and took a bite. After he’d swallowed he said, “I was thinking about my brother earlier. He was about ten years older than me. We had different fathers, but that didn’t matter to us. We were really close. Apparently my mother had bad taste in men because neither of our dads bothered to stick around long enough to see us born.”
He made the statement lightly, but Cassie caught the tension in his body. She knew exactly what it felt like to be abandoned by a parent, but she kept her compassion to herself. She had the feeling that at this moment in time Ryan needed to talk more than he needed to listen.
“Our mother worked hard.” He shrugged. “She was always urging us to get ahead. John became a doctor.” He gave her a quick smile. “Mom was really proud of him. I was, too. It’s tough to get through all the training but he did it. Then he turned around and paid back his loans in record time.”
He straightened on the bench and leaned his head against the wall. “About five years ago John called me to tell me he’d met Helen and they were getting married. I was a little surprised. In our family we were big on work, but relationships had never been that important. When I pointed that out John said he didn’t care. He’d fallen in love and he wanted to get married. He told me that he and Helen had also talked about starting a family. That one really threw me.”
“You’ve never thought about doing that yourself?” Cassie asked before she could stop herself.
Ryan shrugged. “Not really. I never saw the point. There have been women in my life, but no one I wanted to marry.”
Cassie wasn’t sure what to make of that statement. He’d had women. Did that mean they’d all been lovers? Did he take women to his bed for a few times, then send them on their way? Or was it a mutual decision? Was that what other people did? She couldn’t even imagine.
“He told me he wanted to slow down,” Ryan continued. “I remember staring at the phone not believing what he was saying. I’d just started making a success of my own company and I was working eighteen-hour days. Who had time to slow down? I couldn’t believe he meant it. Worse, I thought he was selling out.”
He drew in a deep breath, but he didn’t speak. Cassie observed him, watched the play of light on his strong face, the twitch of a muscle as he clenched his jaw. At times she still didn’t understand Ryan, but right now she knew exactly what he was thinking.
“You understand now,” she murmured. “His actions didn’t make sense five years ago, but you’re starting to understand what he was trying to tell you.”
He nodded slowly. His gaze was steady and direct. “What I remember most about my mother is how hard she worked. She’d been poor for a long time and I understand that it’s difficult to let go of the past, but the last few years of her life, she could have slowed down some. She had two sons who were sending her money every month. But she wouldn’t spend it. We sent her nice clothes and things for the house. When she was gone, we found all of them, still in their boxes. She never wore them or used them. I don’t understand that.”
Cassie didn’t either. “Do you think she was saving them?”
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think she forgot what she was working for. The process became important and she lost sight of the goal.” He shook his head. “Or maybe it’s something else entirely. All I know is that she died too young, surrounded by lovely things she wouldn’t let herself enjoy.”
He paused. “I wish…” His mouth twisted and he avoided her gaze.
“What?” she asked.
“I wish I’d spent more time with John. He and Helen kept inviting me here for holidays or just a weekend and I kept putting it off. I didn’t think it was as important as my work. I thought we’d have more time.”
Her heart ached for him. He was in as much pain as Sasha, but in a way Ryan suffered more. He wouldn’t cry out or allow himself to be comforted.
A vague feeling of disquiet settled over her. This was dangerous territory for her. Ryan the remote, successful man at the other end of the house was safe. She was allowed to have a crush on him without having to worry about getting into trouble. But this man was someone different. He wasn’t remote or hard to understand. If anything, she felt they had a lot in common. They talked and laughed together easily. She couldn’t have a crush on this Ryan because he was real. Once he was real, then her heart was at risk.