And I don’t know how I’m supposed to live without him. How am I supposed to go back to that life, as if nothing happened? As if there won’t be a piece of me missing, stuck here with him, like we were fused together and then broken apart, so that I’ll never be completely me, and he’ll never be completely him?
He pulls me closer. We’re pressed together, in his bed, on our last night together. And I know what I want to happen. I slide my hand down to his hip, lingering suggestively. I’ll be mortified if he rejects me, but I’m pretty sure he wants this, too, and it’s kind of now or never, so I pick now. Now, now, now.
He kisses me, hungrily, like he’ll never get enough. I do the same, and it’s not that we’ve never kissed like this before—just never in his bed. His mouth moves down to my neck, and he reaches under my pajama shirt at the same time as I run my hands along his back.
I don’t ever want to forget how it feels to touch him like this. To feel the muscles moving beneath his skin, the shapes of his shoulder blades.
He tugs my shirt over my head. I do the same to him, and we undress each other, slowly, in between kisses. I wish the lamps were lit and that it wasn’t pitch-black in here. I want to see him naked. I want him to see me naked, at least once.
My skin tingles where he touches me. His mouth trails a line of kisses down my neck and across my chest, leaving fire in its wake.
I can’t believe I was supposed to do this with someone else, with someone I didn’t choose, or trust, or even like. It seems so ridiculous, I almost start to laugh, even though this is just about the worst time for it.
I manage to stop myself, but Amelrik notices anyway. “What?” he says, hesitating before kissing me more. “Did I do something wrong?”
“No. It’s nothing.”
“If you want to stop—”
“I don’t.” I really, really don’t. “I was just thinking about how I’m going to lose my virginity to a dragon, and how much that would piss off pretty much everyone I know.”
“Are you sure you want to do this?” His voice shakes a little, his breathing heavy, and I think that’s probably the last question he wanted to ask me right now.
“Yes, I’m sure.” I pull him to me, so there isn’t any doubt. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
“Good,” he says, and I can feel the muscles in his face move as he grins, “because neither have I.”
37
LIKE A CAT WITH A MOUSE
We make it to Elder clan the next afternoon, after sneaking out in the morning and walking through the woods all day. Though I use the term “sneaking out” pretty loosely, since I don’t think anyone was worried about us going anywhere. Amelrik’s father forbid him to go to Elder clan, but he didn’t forbid him to go outside, and it’s not like the exits were being guarded or anything.
Now we’re hiding near a side entrance to Elder clan, one Amelrik says isn’t used that much. Of course, as soon as we got here and he said that, two dragons came out of it, hurrying over to the games, or at least that’s where it looked like they were going. So now we’re staking it out and making sure we’re not just going to get found out instantly, since that would be pretty stupid. I mean, the only thing worse than getting caught at all would be getting caught so quickly that we might as well have stayed home.
Home. That’s kind of a loaded word now, because it doesn’t make me think of the barracks—it makes me think of Hawthorne clan. It makes me think of Amelrik and hanging out in his room or climbing to the top of the cliffs and looking at the lake. And the really weird part is that that doesn’t feel wrong. I know the barracks is home—that it’s where I’ve spent almost my whole life—but it doesn’t feel like it anymore.Amelrik looks up as a team from the games flies overhead. They don’t have the lake here to use as a race course, and there are only four dragons per team, but otherwise it seems pretty much the same as at Hawthorne clan.
And I know that the more dragons we see soaring through the sky, the less dragons there will be inside who might catch us, but it’s still intimidating, seeing them flying over us like that.
“It’s safe now,” Amelrik whispers. “Nobody’s around.”
“You’re sure?”
He hesitates, then nods. “Nobody’s come out for a while, and I don’t hear anything.”
“So this is it?” My stomach feels like there are about a million butterflies in it. It was scary enough when I only thought we were going to Elder clan—when it turned out Amelrik brought me to Hawthorne instead—but this is so much worse.
“We’ll go in, get Celeste, and leave. No one even has to know we were here. Not until they realize she’s gone, and that will hopefully be much later, and, either way, it’s not like they’ll know it was us.”
“You make it sound so simple.” As if this isn’t going to get us killed. “Maybe this was a stupid idea, coming here today. We should have come on a day when Lothar’s not specifically waiting for you to show up.”
Amelrik shakes his head. “He’s expecting me to turn myself in. He has no reason to suspect I’d sneak in and try to steal their St. George. Er, your sister, I mean,” he adds, when I give him a look.
“And if he does? If he’s waiting for us inside?”
“He won’t be. There’s no way he’s not participating in the games today.”
“But if he isn’t? If he catches us, what then?” I don’t know what I want him to say, because it’s not like I don’t already know that Lothar catching us will be some serious bad news. But I can’t decide if I want Amelrik to reassure me that it’ll all be okay, or if I want him to convince me that we should go back home and try again tomorrow. Not that that’s going to happen—we’re here and we’re doing this—but still.
“He won’t,” Amelrik says, though he doesn’t sound like he completely believes that. “And this is our best chance at saving Celeste. So.” He swallows and takes my hand. Both our palms are sweaty, and I wonder if he notices how fast my pulse is racing.
“All right,” I tell him, because what choice do we really have? I didn’t come this far to walk away, no matter how scared I am. Celeste is inside those caves somewhere, and I might have failed to rescue her last night, but not today.
I take a deep breath and squeeze his hand, as ready as I’ll ever be. “Let’s do this.”
“Vee!” Celeste’s face lights up when she sees me through the bars of her cell, but then her whole expression sours when she notices that Amelrik’s with me.
I run up to her, putting my hands to the cold iron bars so that our fingers touch. Her cell is isolated, down its own hallway, away from any other prisoners, so it’s just us here. We had to sneak past a couple guards at the entrance, but the way the hall twists around, they can’t see us. Hopefully they can’t hear us, either. “We’re going to get you out. You’re going to be free.”
“I convinced myself what happened last night was a dream,” she says, staring at my hand on hers. “It couldn’t have really happened, because my sister hasn’t left home in four years, and she . . . The Vee I know would never trust a dragon. She’d know better.”
“Things change,” I tell her, instead of what I’m really thinking, which is that maybe she never really knew me at all.
“You shouldn’t be here,” she says, though I can hear the relief in her voice that I am. “This place is dangerous. You can’t save me. And didn’t I warn you?” She tilts her head toward Amelrik.
Seriously? “Celeste. Come on. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.”
Celeste gives me a look, like maybe me not being here would be a good thing.
“We need to find the key,” Amelrik says, coming up to us.
Celeste takes a quick step back. “Stay away from me.” Her words are quiet, but steady, and full of conviction.
“Stay away from you?” Amelrik glares at her. “You’re the one who tortured me. You put that ring around my neck. You broke my ribs! And yet here I am, helping Virginia rescue you. Not because you deserve it, because you don’t, but because she asked. And you have the nerve to tell me to stay away from you?”
“You’re a monster. And a criminal. You’ve—”
“That’s enough.” I give Celeste a stern look, which feels kind of weird, because it’s usually the other way around. “We have to go find the key so we can get you out of here. We’ll be back soon.”
“No, you won’t.” She shakes her head. “He keeps it with him.”
“Who does?” I ask, but my stomach drops, and I’m pretty sure I already know the answer.
“Prince Lothar.” She glances toward the hallway, like saying his name might summon him. “He’s afraid someone else might let me out and use me against him.”
Lothar has the key. There’s no way we could steal it from him without him noticing. I doubt either of us could even get close to him.
I look at Amelrik. He looks at me.
Celeste watches our silent exchange, her mouth twisting into a scowl of disapproval.