Dr. Neurotic(21)

Oh, shit. Especially since I still had a camera following me around.

I stopped humming immediately and looked back right into the lens-and then past it to Jorge. He was smiling.

Fucking bastard.

I'd been watching Will Cummings and Scott Shepard and their cameramen  every time our paths crossed in the hospital since filming started, and  their relationships were completely different. They talked and advised,  offering questions that a viewer might have so that Will and Scott could  better answer.

But not Jorge. He just watched and observed, smirking anytime I made an  unsuspecting fool of myself and abstaining from offering anything  helpful at all. I didn't know if it was just his personality or a tactic  the show specifically used for me, but it was playing a mind game with  me. And these days, I made an unsuspecting fool of myself often. I  hadn't expected to get used to the camera so quickly, but it'd happened  nonetheless.

I guess it was like a construction worker getting used to loud noises or  a parent getting used to the constant chatter of their child. After a  while, you just tuned it out.

Something I wasn't yet used to, however, was narrating every play of my  day to what felt like no one. "So we're heading down to the recovery  floor to make rounds," I explained for the sake of the silent camera  behind me, glancing back to the lens every few seconds as I walked. "The  biggest challenge post-op is to watch for signs of altered brain state,  while at the same time allowing a somewhat loosened parameter of  normal. These people have literally been through brain surgery, and even  at best, it can be a traumatic experience for the body. The brain is  the hub, just like the motherboard of your computer. And the motherboard  doesn't even like a little water poured on it, even if it really is  just a little, and even if you do your very best to dry it out."

"Dr. Raines," Carol greeted as I rounded the corner and pushed through the doors into the recovery wing.

I smiled and lifted a hand, giving her a little wave. "Hey, Carol. How are you?"

Her neck flexed slightly, her chin moving in closer to her throat as she  looked from me to the camera and back again. "Uh …  Good, Dr. Raines."

"Anything interesting and new in your life?" I asked, leaning my elbows onto the counter in between us.

Her hairline inched higher as she searched for the answer. I thought at first she was just uncomfortable with the camera.

"Well … my son just left for college. Exciting but scary at the same time."

Her answer made me realize I hadn't even known she had a son. Suddenly,  her surprise and discomfort seemed natural. I'd never fucking asked her  about herself.

No wonder she looks like I've been swallowed by an alien.

"That's completely understandable. I can't imagine what it'll feel like when my own kid goes off to college."

A little like a gasping fish, her mouth opened and closed several times  before she decided against words and nodded instead. I guessed that was  enough of the new Nick for today.

I blamed Charlotte for my good mood. That woman had latched herself on  to my brain, and I couldn't seem to go a single ten minutes before  something as simple as her smile would pop into my head.

"Anything I need to know about for rounds?" I asked, bringing us back to  the comfortably neutral zone we normally lived in. The one where I was  demanding and she was five steps ahead of me.

A stack of files appeared from seemingly nowhere, her hand firmly  attached to the other side of them. "Mr. Fields in Room 517 showed signs  of short-term amnesia, but Dr. Johnson checked him an hour later, and  everything seemed to be back to normal. Sarah Clark in 519 is resting  mostly, but her family says she's been acting like herself. Probably  best to do a quick cognitive assessment, given her history, though."

I nodded. Sarah Clark's tumor removal several weeks ago had gone  seemingly as planned. Dr. Forrest had performed the procedure when my  emergency blunt force trauma had gone long, but I'd checked up on her  post-op myself and everything had seemed normal.

Unfortunately, two weeks ago, they'd brought her back in after a small  seizure, and after multiple tests and scans, we'd found a small bleed.         

     



 

I'd gone back in myself to repair it, and everything had been going  smoothly, but we'd kept her a little longer given her history of post-op  complications just to make sure.

"All right." I took the stack of folders from Carol's hand and smacked  them lightly on the counter in front of me. "Thanks, Carol."

Sarah, I should mention, was only twenty-five years old and had her  entire life ahead of her. I was a medical professional and a realist,  but I'd be lying if I said her case didn't hit a personal note inside of  me as I pictured what it must feel like to be going through this so  young-and what it must feel like for her parents to watch her go through  it.

I didn't like to see Lexi with a paper cut, and I was a doctor. I could only imagine how they felt about a fucking brain tumor.

I went straight to her door, double-checking the chart outside to make  sure Carol had given me the right room number, and then knocked on the  door three sharp times before turning the knob.

Sarah's parents turned from their spots at her bedside, their hands in  hers, and Sarah's vivid, almost violet eyes moved to mine and  brightened.

"Hi, Sarah," I greeted. "Mr. and Mrs. Clark."

Sarah's parents nodded, but Sarah said, "Hey, Dr. Raines."

"Hey," I returned with a smile. "How are you feeling today?"

"Good. Really good, actually."

"Excellent!" I clasped my hands and rubbed them together. "What do you say to a little trivia night, then, huh?"

"Trivia night?" she asked.

"Yep. I've got to do a little cognitive assessment on you today, and what better way than with a few trivia questions, right?"

She shrugged nervously. "I guess."

I moved closer to the bed, on the side her father had moved away from to  take up a position of sentry by the window. I touched Sarah's arm  lightly in comradery. "Trust me, you're actually doing me a favor. I do a  weekly trivia night with my girlfriend, and to say I'm bad at it would  be a comical understatement. If you're any good, maybe it'll help me  next Wednesday."

She smiled hugely then. It might have been at my expense, but I didn't  care. For one, I'd just publically acknowledged-hell, it's my first  private acknowledgment too-the true status of my relationship with  Charlotte. We hadn't discussed it ad nauseam, but I was trying my hand  at being better with signals. The signals said she was my girlfriend.  And secondly, I liked that I'd given Sarah purpose. From talking to some  of my previous patients, feeling incapable and like a burden was one of  the hardest parts of recovery when it came to any kind of traumatic  brain injury.

"Okay, let's start with some easy ones. What hospital is this?"

"St. Luke's," she answered.

"And what city are we in?"

"New York. The Big Apple. Manhattan."

"Wow," I teased. "Overachiever."

She laughed. "Oh yeah. I should win an award."

"Hey." I smiled. "Some days I don't know where the hell I am."

"Comforting words from my brain surgeon, ladies and gentlemen," Sarah  said over my shoulder and directly into the camera, I suspected.

I laughed at her theatrics.

"Okay, let's try some tougher ones." I gestured with one finger as I dug  into my back pocket and pulled out my notepad with a wink. "But first,  let me make sure I have something to take notes."




I'd only made it up two out of three steps at the front of Winnie and  Wes's house when the door flew open and my daughter burst out to hug me.  I went back a step and down as she hit me full force, wrapping her arms  around my neck and squeezing, before jumping down like it'd never  happened and running back into the house.

I watched as she ran down the hall toward the kitchen like a bat out of  hell until Winnie stepped pointedly into my line of sight with a huge  smirk on her face. "Your expression right now amuses me greatly."

I lifted my eyebrows with an eye roll. "Thanks."

Winnie laughed, long and melodic, and unwarranted, Charlotte's  completely off-key and off-rhythm one came to mind. It was weird to  think about, but I imagined the two of them would get along quite well.

My stomach twisted, and my chest ached as I tried to make sense of the  complicated way that made me feel. Awkward, for sure. But mostly, I  think I just liked it. Winnie was the mother of my child, after all. And  Charlotte? Well, she was my girlfriend, and she'd quickly become one of  the most important people in my life.

I really wanted to reach that place where Winnie and Charlotte had not only met one another, but liked each other, too.         

     



 

"Don't worry, I make that face at least twice a day thanks to Lex. You  just have to give up trying to understand sometimes. We'll be forever  inferior to her way of thinking."