Down to You(66)

How did he become such a central theme? When did I get so deeply involved? How had it happened without my knowledge?

The answer? It didn’t. I knew I would fall for him. I lied to myself just enough to soften the blow at the time, but I knew it would end like this. It’s the story of my life.

Another swell of anger. And bitterness.

Then longing. And loneliness.

The anger again. At Cash for letting me get so close. For drawing me in, like a spider into his web.

His web of lies!

At least there are no tears. I’m thankful for that. Tears are exhausting. Anger is like rocket fuel. Maybe I don’t cry because the ball is in my court. Because I know all I have to do is pick up the phone, return one of the many messages he’s left me, and I can be with him again. At least for a little while.

In a different web of lies. In a relationship with no future.





CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO- Cash





I hit the red END button on the phone. The word itself mocks me. Have I really destroyed any chance to be with Olivia? Do I really care if I have?

The answers are: I don’t know and yes. In that order.

I can only hope coming clean with her was the right decision. I would’ve thought someone like Olivia would appreciate the gesture, the significance of what I did in the end. But maybe I was wrong. I’ve never really had feelings for a girl like her. Hell, I’ve never really had feelings for any girl period. Not like this anyway.

I resist the urge to throw my phone across the room. The next step is hers. It’s her choice. I’m just going to have to accept that and go along with her decision. Because I won’t beg. I won’t ever beg a female for anything.

I just won’t.





CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE- Olivia





Tuesday melts into Wednesday. Anger and bitterness become depression and devastation. In a way, Cash really was the perfect guy. I’d wanted him to be more like Nash when, in reality, he was Nash. He’d turned his life around and made something of himself for his brother, for his father. For his family. He’s the perfect blend of bad boy and successful, driven adult. He’s everything I ever wanted and everything I ever needed. All wrapped up in one gorgeous, sexy package. Which is all wrapped up in lies and deceit and danger.

If that’s not a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is.





CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR- Cash





I guess they’re right when they say, “Never say never.” I said I would never beg. That’s laughable. It’s only Wednesday and I’ve already lost count of how many times I’ve called Olivia. I should be embarrassed.

But I’m not.

I’m desperate. More and more every day. I’m desperate not to lose her. But I don’t know what to do next. I hate to go to her house and force her to talk to me. But I will. At this point, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for her. To see her. To talk to her. To touch her and taste her again.

Oh damn, this ain’t good!





CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE- Olivia





Wednesday becomes Thursday. My phone is lighting up with more frequency. I keep it close so I can see if it’s Dad calling. It never is. Every time I call to check on him, he assures me he’s doing well and promises he’ll call if he needs anything. But he never does.

Maybe I should just go home for a while. Take a break from school. From life. From heartache. From Cash.

I only have a few more days until Marissa comes home anyway. And then what will happen? Will “Nash” still be a part of her life? Will he still visit? And hold her and kiss her? Does he tell her he loves her? Did he ever plan a future with her? Will he?

Those thoughts always send me into a tail spin. On the one hand, I knew “Nash” was probably sleeping with her. I mean, they were dating. Of course they were having sex. But I thought Cash was unattached. I thought he was into me. All about me. At least for the time being. As much as a guy like that ever is “into” one specific girl. But it was all a lie.

It was all a lie.

Wasn’t it?





CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE- Cash





I take the familiar turns that lead to the prison. I’m at my wits’ end. The only thing I can do, short of showing up at Olivia’s and doing some serious groveling, is to go talk to Dad. It became apparent to me a couple days ago that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m hoping he’ll have some good advice, some good suggestions. I need all the help I can get. And there’s only one person, other than Olivia, on the entire planet who knows what’s going on.

I committed the visiting hours schedule to memory years ago. I’ve come to visit Dad both as Cash and as Nash. I never tried to hide my family’s past from the upper crust of Atlanta society. I just tried to be involved in it in a completely different way as Nash.