Down London Road (On Dublin Street #2)(52)

We became this family unit, bonding quickly and strongly.

My feelings for Cam only grew deeper and I was in a constant battle with my conscience, arguing with it, pretending that it didn't mean anything. Along with the emotional stuff, my body was almost at breaking point for want of him. I don't know how I managed to hide it from him, but I did. I didn't want anything to destroy our friendship.

That didn't mean I didn't find other outlets for my pent-up sexual frustration, and that outlet only added a whole other level of guilt and shame to my already considerable stack. I hadn't seen Malcolm as much as I usually did, but three of the four times I did see him, we had sex  …  and the three times we had sex I  …

 …  I did the unthinkable. I closed my eyes and imagined Cam.

I came each time. 

Malcolm took this to mean he and I were back on track and whatever had been bothering me before was dealt with.

I was an awful, awful person.

Yup. My world was full of colour. Red for want. Yellow for shame.

Green for jealousy.

Yes, the green-eyed monster had also reared her ugly head in the last few weeks. Every time Cam mentioned Becca's name I felt that little ache in my chest, an ache that ruptured into a full-blown bleed on Sunday.

Cole and I had had lunch with the Nicholses and had come home in a good mood. Cole had gone downstairs to invite Cam up for coffee and I was humming away like an idiot, my stomach already a riot of fluttery winged creatures in anticipation of seeing him, when Cole came back into the flat unaccompanied.

I frowned at him as I poured Cam's coffee. 'Is he just coming?'

Cole shook his head, his brows drawn together in what I took for bemusement.

'Not in?'

He shrugged.

Oh, dear God, the shrugging had returned. 'Well?'

He leaned against the kitchen counter and sighed before he shot me a questioning look. 'Are you and Cam just friends?'

I coughed up the lie quite easily these days. 'Of course. I'm with Malcolm. Why?'

Two spots of colour appeared high on Cole's cheeks and his mouth quirked up at the corners in amusement. 'Because it definitely sounds like Cam's too busy shagging some noisy bird to want to have coffee with us.'

My whole body froze as I stared at my brother, my heart pounding, a horribly uneasy feeling in my stomach as jealousy seized hold of me.

'Jo?'

I frowned, grasping at a reason for my freeze. 'Don't say "shagging" and don't say "bird". Not "bird", "chick", "piece". We're "women" or "ladies" or "girls".'

Cole grunted. 'Thanks for the vocab lesson.'

I stared after him as he took off for the living room, my good mood annihilated by the thought of Cam and Becca having sex.

I guess in the end I couldn't really cope with all the colour, and the following Thursday, before the crack of dawn, I stripped the wallpaper in the sitting room. I was taking time to find some calm. The night before I went on a date with Malcolm, but I ended up getting him to drop me off early at the flat, after making up some excuse about not feeling well. I hurried upstairs to check the Internet, found the sale I was looking for, reserved what I needed from the local store, and began priming the walls.

When Thursday morning broke, I got Cole ready for school, ignoring his grumblings about the stripped walls, and then I headed out to pick up what I'd reserved: three rolls of wallpaper. I also bought some paste and a box of doughnuts.

As soon as I changed into my paint-covered jeans and tee, scraped my long hair back into a ponytail, and put on my headscarf, I felt better. Calmer already. I was just putting up my pasting table when Mum appeared in the doorway.

We stared at each other.

We hadn't spoken since my attack in the kitchen almost three weeks before.

Her tired eyes swept the living room  –  the dust sheets, the rolls of wallpaper, the bucket of paste. She grunted. 'Again?'

Taking my cue from Cole, I shrugged in reply.

Mum sighed and shook her head wearily. 'Any food?'

'There's leftover pasta from last night. Can you heat it up without burning down the flat?'

She waved off my caustic comment and moved towards the kitchen a little unsteadily. 'I'll eat it cold.'

A little while later she returned to her room. That was good. Despite what I considered my civility in light of the circumstances, I still found it hard not to throw a punch anytime I thought of her hitting Cole. Honestly, that's all I really saw now when I looked at her.



       
         
       
        

I switched on my music but kept it low so as not to disturb alco-mum and began to hang the new wallpaper. It was cream with very faint champagne, silver and chocolate stripes. I'd have to get new cushions for the couch and change the floor lamp, but I didn't care. Decorating always zoned me out and I needed to zone out big time. I started at ten and by eleven I was feeling completely relaxed and sated from having eaten two doughnuts. I was in the middle of hanging a sheet of wallpaper, thinking that the kitchen cabinets could do with a repaint, when there was a knock at the door.