“Give it back!” she screeched. “Give it back, that was my Great Uncle Joe’s Confederate rifle! Give it back, you big lout!”
And at this point, everything collapsed. Because Mace is an asshole, but he’s not about to go around hitting women, especially not old ladies who are seventy and frail. So instead, they tumbled to the floor, that huge form bouncing and rolling reflexively, but the crone collapsed like a bag of bones.
“Owwww!” she squealed, both hands gripping her back, writhing in agony on the doorstep. “Owwww!”
And it was then that Katie appeared. Shit, our girl was so beautiful, flushed and eyes wide, curls in disarray.
“What in the world?” she cried out. “You guys beat up my great-aunt? How could you?” she demanded, immediately dropping to her knees next to the old lady. “How could you?”
I was totally flummoxed, mouth opening and closing with no words. Because hadn’t she seen? This old bat was crazy, she’d waved a gun in our faces, threatening us with bodily harm. It wasn’t us, it was her!
But Katie didn’t seem to care.
“I can’t believe you did this!” she cried out again, her hands lifting Aunt Mae’s head so that the graying head was cradled in her lap. “I can’t believe you guys picked on a little old lady!”
At that, I had to step in.
“Listen, there is nothing helpless about this woman. She threatened us!” I protested. “Mace, show her the rifle. That rifle’s hers, it’s not ours. We didn’t bring it here from New York, she showed up on the stoop with that thing.”
The dark man held out the firearm like it was show and tell, nodding furiously. His suit was rumpled now, a lock of black hair falling over his eye, making my lover look like Superman. But even Superman can be cowed because Lois Lane wasn’t having it. Katie merely cried out again.
“Aunt Mae’s my only living relative! She’s the one who encouraged me to go to art school, my only source of emotional support! And now you guys have injured her! Oh my god, oh my god.”
I stared at the gray-haired old lady, still moaning with pain on the doorstep, her head lolling from side to side as if in agony. Shit, it wasn’t much of a fall, but who knows with old people? Supposedly, they can break a hip just from a bump, and maybe we’d done that to her. Maybe we’d permanently injured Katie’s precious Auntie Mae, and she’d never recover, bound to a wheelchair forever.
But as Katie looked up to yell at Mason again, suddenly Auntie Mae winked at me. I stared, unable to believe my eyes. But sure enough, the little old lady winked again while carrying on with her cries.
“My hip! My head! It hurts, it hurts!” she wailed. “Owwww!” came out a pitiful cry, punctuated with another wink.
And suddenly I realized what had happened. Katie had likely been stowed away in a back room, refusing to come out. And to get her to make an appearance, Auntie Mae had staged this whole thing. The rifle, the nasty words, even the fighting. It was all a ploy so that her niece could be enticed from her hidey hole, so that Katie would come out and meet her lovers.
And nodding quickly, I had an idea.
“Come on, we’ve got to get her to a hospital,” I grunted to Mason. “Let’s put her in the car. Katie, you’re going to have to come too. You’re her closest relative, and there’ll be a bunch of papers to sign.”
I half-expected the brunette to protest, to say she wasn’t going anywhere with us, but instead, the girl nodded, tears in her eyes.
“Hurry!” she cried out. “Hurry, Auntie Mae could be really hurt!”
I almost choked, but the old lady went with it, shooting me another sly wink.
“Owww!” she howled. “Owwww! Owww!”
Okay, now things were getting out of hand. Mae’s cries sounded more like a wolf baying at the moon than a human in distress, but some people really have a flair for the dramatic. So I gestured to Mason to pick her up.
“Dude, put her in the car, I’ll follow with Katie.”
Mace looked like he was about to protest, and I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to be locked up in a small space speeding down the highway with this crazy bat. But the thing is, she wasn’t crazy. Auntie Mae was working in our best interests, and the car ride would be a great time for him to find out.
So despite his mutinous look, I shot him a glare.
“Yo dude, really. Just do it.”
And with an enraged humph, he lifted Auntie Mae into his arms, gentle despite everything, and slowly carried her to the black sedan.
“See you there,” he threw over his shoulder, blue eyes going between me and Katie. “See you there.”