And he nodded understandingly, thoughtful. So I continued.
“And my parents only want what’s best for me,” I started again. “They’re so proud of me, and this whole lawyer thing, I don’t know, I guess I saw an episode of Law and Order when I was twelve and it just spiraled from there,” I finished helplessly.
“You saw an episode of Law and Order, and that’s what set you on this path?” he rumbled, eyebrow cocked.
And I nodded.
“Yeah, and my parents always encouraged it, so it snowballed into this big huge thing. Because for them, having a lawyer in the family would be the ultimate validation, the ultimate sign that they succeeded in raising me. So now I feel like I have to get a JD and become this big fancy professional, putting on work clothes every day, schlepping off to a corporate office.”
He interrupted me.
“And that’s what you want?” Mr. Parker asked, his voice still neutral.
And I shook my head, frustrated then.
“It’s not,” I admitted. “I mean, it’s what I thought I wanted, for years I thought being a professional was my thing, but lately … I dunno, I’m just not sure anymore.”
He paused then, the silence heavy with unspoken words.
“You’re young honey, you can always change course. No need to be a lawyer, you could be an accountant. Have you thought about that?”
And I snorted then. “Are you crazy, Mr. Parker? Seriously,” I stuck my tongue out at him, “numbers make me dizzy. Honestly my eyes cross when I see a spreadsheet, it blurs before my eyes. But it’s more than that,” I confided, suddenly serious again. “It’s getting off this professional career track altogether. I don’t want it, I mean I love Evergreen but I don’t need a degree from the school, I’m fine with … you know, just being me,” I bit my lip.
Pete leaned forward then, brushing his lips against mine, making me sigh, the alpha male so near and yet so far. But he wasn’t done yet.
“I hear you, I totally get it,” he growled. “But what did you have in mind if you don’t want to finish college?”
And hearing him say it made it all that much more real, my heart pumping fast in my chest, the blood pounding with a new reality.
“I want … I want to be a mom,” I admitted. “Like I said, waiting until my late twenties or early thirties seems like forever, and I want to do it now,” I almost whispered. “I want a baby, or even two or three, I want to feel my body swell with new life, breastfeed a newborn, even burp and clean their spit-up. That’s how much I want it,” I admitted.
The big man looked at me sharply, blue eyes gleaming.
“Well, honey, we can definitely do that, we’re on our way even now,” he said with a wry smile. “But why can’t you admit it to the world?”
I bit my lip again.
“Because it’s not what I’m supposed to want,” I tried again. “Haven’t you heard what I’ve been saying? I’ve been raised to want to be a lawyer, to want higher education, to want all these things, and I dunno, it’s hard you know? It’s hard to buck a lifetime of expectations, throw it all into the trash.”
And that was when the alpha male threw his head back and roared with laughter, his eyes even tearing a bit, my words were so funny.
“What?” I asked, pouting, mouth in a frown. “What is it? I’ve just revealed my inner conflict to you, it’s not that funny you know,” I grumped. “I’m sorry it’s so hysterical to you.”
And he just wiped his eyes slightly, the rumbles subsiding into mere chuckles.
“I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” he apologized. “I guess it’s just that I haven’t cared what anyone thought in so long that hearing it from you is refreshing. I guess that’s the difference between a teen girl and a mature man,” he said wryly. “When you get to my age, you stop caring what other people think so much.”
I paused for a moment.
“Well, I’m not exactly you, but back when you were young, you were different right?” I asked. “I mean, back then you were influenced by all sorts of people, your parents, teachers, guidance counselors…” my voice trailed off.
And now it was his turn to guffaw.
“Guidance counselors? Fuck no,” he growled. “Honey I’ve been out on my own since I was sixteen, supporting myself. You think I had time for fucking guidance counselors? Fuck no, more like I was hustling for a dime, making deals, raising Hell,” he growled again. “For me, it’s always been my way, when I say and when I want, all the time.”