Double Dare(229)

Katy




I flipped through the pages of a book slowly, reading but not remembering anything, my eyes on the words but unable to see.

“Katy,” interrupted Tina. “Kate-sters, what’s going on with you?”

I glanced up at my mom, sighing.

“Oh hey Mom, didn’t hear you come in. How was counseling today? Did the therapist say anything useful?”

My mom snorted.

“Honey, I know everything that doctor is going to say before it even comes out of his mouth,” she said dryly. “Trust me, it’s just the same shit over and over again, the same twelve-step process, they never switch anything up.”

And I sighed. My mom doesn’t have an addiction but a lot of therapies have adapted AA’s twelve-step program to various scenarios. In this case, my mom had a case of severe anxiety and depression but somehow her therapy group was always reciting the AA pledge, droning the words.

“If you don’t like Dr. Jenkins, do you want me to find another doctor for you?” I asked slowly. “Our insurance isn’t bad, I’m sure there are other providers close by.”

But my mom snorted.

“Katy, honey, our insurance is bad, and there’s no one else. Why do you think there’s always a line to see him, why it’s so hard to get an appointment? Because none of us can go anywhere else, that’s why.”

And I sighed. My mom had a point. We’re poor without a lot of options, and were lucky to see Dr. Jenkins every other week. It was either him or no one, that was the sad truth.

So I fiddled with my book again, stuck in the smallness of my life, going through the motions of a high school girl without really living it, my heart locked inside a case of ice. Because this is what life is like now. I live on the other side of the trailer park with my mom, helping her get better, doing school work, and on the outside I look fine, but inside, I’m a mess. I can’t get over what happened between me, Jason and Brent, and I have no clue what to do next. There’s so much that’s already happened and my mind is tangled, twisted, tying myself in such knots that I could scream. There are nights when I wake up at night in a cold sweat, bolting up in bed only to have it all come crashing down on me again, the enormity of the situation, the incredible stuck-ness that I feel, with no clear answers, no path forward. Because I have no idea how to resolve the situation. I absolutely love Jason and Brent, and they’d made clear that they’d take whatever I could give. But the thing is, how in the world would this work out? I was going to be pinned with a scarlet letter if I did the trio, if I entered into a relationship with them. And I wasn’t ready to be labeled “that trashy girl,” not yet, maybe never.

Tina could sense my inner conflict, the tension thick in the air.

“Baby girl,” she drawled, leaning back and lighting up a cigarette. “What’s going on with you? Why haven’t you seen Brent or that other guy, Jason, since I’ve been back?” She shouldn’t have been smoking, but with her issues, that was the least of her problems.

“Why? What’s it to you?” I asked quickly, a little too sharp.

And my mom let out a throaty chuckle which ended up in a series of hacking coughs, really painful sounding with a deep rattle in her chest. But nervous breakdown or no, my mom is smart, with an uncanny sixth sense about people and their emotions, and as her daughter, I was especially under the microscope.

“Well, there’s the fact that you lived with them while I was gone,” she drawled, taking another deep drag. “You lived with two men for a year, ate their food, slept at their place, watched their TV, and as far as I know, haven’t thanked them for their generosity. So it’s strange that you’ve cut off all contact, wouldn’t you say?”

And I flushed. Because I had thanked Brent and Jason, in a way. I’d fallen in love and thanked them with my body, gifting them my cherries, letting them take and taking for myself along the way. But how could I explain that to my mom? So I just mumbled, “I said thank you when I left.”

Tina shook her head again, taking another deep drag.

“No baby girl, there’s more to it than that. You’ve been distracted since I got back, cloudy, dreamy, looking like a lost soul. What’s going with you? Out with it baby, I’m the queen of therapy.”

I choked a little, but before I knew it, the whole story came spilling out, how it had started so innocently with a few looks, a few heated glances and then become a full-on affair, both men loving me, our bodies wrapped around one another in sensual delight.

And my mom’s no dimwit, she heard every word that I said, every syllable loud and clear.