“Do what you did last time.”
I paused. “What?”
“You’re an idiot, Rae. Cling to Clint. No matter what. You battled his father for it. You battled the doctors for it. You battled school for it. But, in your moment of fear, you clung to Clint. Do that now.”
“I’m sure he doesn’t even want me looking in his direction, much less clinging to him.”
“I think you’ll find that Clint is a lot more graceful and accepting than you give him credit for. You’re being way too hard on yourself. What you need to do with him in start by apologizing. Then you need to tell him exactly what you’ve told me. Start to finish.”
I paused. “But what if he thinks--?”
Allison smiled. “Say it. You need to.”
I licked my lips. “What if he--he thinks I’m--”
“It’s going to sound just as insane when you say it. But releasing it into the wild is going to help you process it. Come on.”
A tear streaked my cheek. “What if he thinks I’m weak and leaves?”
She giggled. “You’re the girl who saved his life, Rae. If anything, he’s scrambling to try and figure out how to repay you. How to help you in your own time of crisis.”
“Fucking hell, that does sound insane.”
“It really does.”
I turned away from Allison and picked a piece of bacon off my plate. I crunched on it mindlessly as I sifted through all sorts of things. I wasn’t convinced Clint would simply forgive me. And I knew damn good and well he’d never forget. I still wasn’t convinced I hadn’t irreparably damaged things. But could I really back out of college last minute like this? And even if I did, it was probably too late to enroll into the community college where I had planned on going. Plus, that meant fighting with my mother. If I wanted to put my foot down with my own money, that meant a fight. And I wasn't sure if I had the energy to fight with her anymore like that.
Then, there was fixing things with Clint. Which was a monumental task in and of itself. Especially after everything I had already pulled.
If there was anything left to fix.
“You think the boys are up?”
Allison nodded. “I heard them talking out on the balcony earlier this morning.”
I paused. “Do you know what they were saying?”
She shook her head. “I figured they deserved the privacy. But Clint was talking to him. So, I suppose that’s a good sign.”
“Does Michael hate me?”
“He’s upset with you. Disappointed, probably. I think he’s a bit shocked as well because none of us have ever seen you like that. But hate you? Nah.”
“I hate myself. I wouldn't blame him.”
“Well, good thing we aren’t you, then.”
I snickered. “Yeah. That’s the best case scenario for you guys.”
“Stop being so self-deprecating, Rae. This isn’t about you anymore. You’ve dragged us up here and into your tangled web of un-talked-about issues. It’s time to put on some big girl panties and deal with it. Whatever might come of it in the process.”
And for once, I had a direction I needed to walk in.
“When might be a good time to talk with Clint?”
But before Allison could answer me, I heard the door next to us slam open.
Then Michael called out for Clint.
30
Clinton
“Clint! Come on, man.”
I stormed down the hallway as I made my way for the elevator.
“Michael, what’s going on?”
Allison’s voice wafted behind me as I jammed the heel of my hand into the elevator button.
“Clint? Where are you going?”
I stiffened at the sound of Rae’s voice. I heard the elevator whirring up the shaft as I slowly turned around. And when my eyes fell onto her, I chastised myself for how I felt. My heart stopped in my chest. My body ignited with life again. Even though she looked terrible, my body still wanted to move toward her. Rae’s skin had gotten pale. Her lips were chapped and her eyes looked sunken in. Bloodshot. Like she had cried herself to sleep or something like that. But I needed out of the hotel for a little while.
I had a lot to think about.
The elevator opened behind me and I stepped in. Rae took a couple of steps toward me, but I shook my head.
The doors closed.
I leaned against the wall and sighed. I had a lot to think about, and I couldn't do it with Mike pestering me about when I was going to talk with Rae. I mean, I wanted to think I knew that girl better than anyone, despite how long Ally and Mike had known her. I knew she was stressed about school. I knew she was stressed about the transition. And I knew shit with her mother was throwing her for a loop.
But there was something else I couldn't put my finger on.
Something she wasn’t telling me.
I knew that thing I couldn't place was the source of her anger from last night. And even though her words kept echoing off the corners of my mind, I was able to think rationally. I drew in deep breaths as the elevator carried me downstairs. My biggest fear, in all of this, had been losing her. I didn’t want to put words to the idea because I was terrified of speaking into existence such a damning thing. But after last night, I wasn’t afraid to admit it.
My biggest fear was losing Rae in all of this.
I mean, I couldn't see my life without her. Some of my darkest days had been lived with her in them. I didn’t know where I’d be had it not been for her this past year. And I wanted to repay her. I wanted to find a way to help her through this dark time in her life. Through the shit with her mother. Through this shit with school.
Through this shit with us.
The elevator doors opened and I strode through the hotel. I pushed my way out the doors and started for the sidewalk. Thinking about going back to a time without Rae made me sick. Sicker than I had been last night. I shook my head at the thought. No, I wouldn’t go back to a time like that. Rae wasn’t leaving me. Not like this. I’d go back to my old ways in a heartbeat if she did. Last night was proof of that. Even with just her being mad at me--not wanting me around at the party—I’d slipped down a rabbit hole that almost got me beat up and tossed into a ditch.
I’d be that angry guy nobody could save.
And that wasn’t an option.
You don’t deserve Rae.
You have some serious decisions to make.
You know she meant those words last night.
You know she’s not telling you something.
“I love her,” I murmured.
As I passed by people on the sidewalk, my mind spun. The voice in my head fought me every step of the way. But uttering out loud how much I loved her seemed to help. I felt people looking at me as if I were a crazy person. I didn’t give a shit. Above all else, I wanted to make sure Rae made the right choices for her life. Not for me, or for her mother, or because she wanted out of town. Or away from her mother and that bullshit.
She needs help.
She needs guidance.
She needs someone to be her rock right now.
“I’m going to help her,” I murmured.
I mean, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t guilty of doing much worse. I had actually ended things between me and Rae because I thought it was good for her. Because I thought getting her away from me would help her live a life she deserved. I actually broke the fuck up with her when things were at their worst. So spouting off a few words? Shit, that was nothing compared to what that girl had been through with me.
Compared to what I had done to her.
Time for you to be there for her like she was with you.
I looked to get my bearings so I could turn around. Get my ass back to the hotel. Sit down with Rae poolside or take her out for lunch and figure out where the fuck we went from here. We. As a unit. But when I saw the Cal State campus in front of me, I laughed bitterly.
Of course I’d end up here.
How the hell was it that my fucking feet had led me here? To the place I felt was stealing my girl from me? I shook my head as I picked up my foot, then stepped off the sidewalk. The grass gave way underneath my feet. I kept putting one foot in front of the other until I passed by the college’s welcome sign. I gazed around at all the buildings. Some of them were tall, some of them only one story. I looked at all the guys and girls walking around campus. Chatting and laughing in their groups. They all looked as if they belonged together. As if their future purpose in life came from the veins of this very campus.
I wondered if Rae had felt the same way at orientation.
I slipped my hands into my pockets and walked around. I drew in the humid summer air and picked up snippets of conversations around me. Girls talking about their semester schedules. Boys talking about the next party. Upperclassmen talking about their graduation dates. A few professors, talking about their class schedules and trying to work out lunch times.
Then I came to a grand set of cement stairs.
My eyes wafted up the stairs before the sign on the front of the building came into view. Library. I was standing in front of the college campus library. Could I go in? Was it open to the public?
No harm in trying.
I rolled my shoulders back and walked up the steps. I got behind a group of disheveled students who already had stacks of books in their hands. I walked behind them into the library, then scanned the room. Aisles and aisles of books came into view, stretching from the floor to the ceiling. I walked over toward the library desk and looked up, craning my neck to get a view of the place. The middle of the building was open all the way to the top with rotunda levels that had thick, wooden banisters with chairs and desks bucked up to them.