“There was one particular thing you said. Something I can’t shake. And it makes me feel like maybe you’re scared.”
My gut seized. “What did I say?”
“You said something to the effect of, ‘I protected myself before you, and I’ll protect myself after you’re gone.’”
“I fucking what?”
I ripped my hand away from Allison and threw open the shower curtain.
“I fucking said what!?”
She shushed me. “Hush. Everyone is sleeping.”
My eyes watered. “I said that to him?”
She nodded slowly. “You’re afraid of college right now, aren’t you?”
I shivered in the shower as tears escaped down my cheeks again.
“I’m petrified, Allison. I’m scared that when we all leave, that’s it. No more friendship. No more late nights. No more phone calls. No more surprises. No more friends, or loving boyfriend, or memories, or gift exchanges on New Year’s. I’m scared that when we leave for college, it’s all going to go away. Like it never existed. And I’ll be alone, with no one to support me, no one who believes in me, and a mother that would do anything to get me back home with her.”
Allison cupped my cheek. “I’m scared too, Rae. This is big. Moving away and doing our own thing is massive. College changes things, and you need to start dealing with that. The only constant we have in our lives is--”
“Don’t give me that shit.”
“Well, you need to hear that shit. Because if you don’t digest it, you’ll feel like this forever and keep ruining everything good around you because of your anger. Got it?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Got it.”
“What I do know is this. I love Michael. With everything I have. And all he and I can do is make the best decisions we know how to right now. In this moment. Because it’s all we have.”
I slowly looked over at her. “You love Michael?”
She smiled brightly. “More than anything. I cherish him. He’s perfect for me. And yeah, we’re scared. We don’t know what’s ahead. Our routine is about to change, and we’re about to be six hours away from home, and we’re about to be taking classes that are going to bury us alive. We know that. So we cling to one another because we do have that constant, and that comforts us.”
“Well, I don’t have Clint.”
“You do now.”
“I won’t when I go off to college.”
“Girl, I hate to break it to you, but if you really can’t see what I’m telling you? You’re flunking out of your first semester.”
I giggled. “Thanks for that.”
She shrugged. “It’s true. You’re trying so hard to see the negative, and I don’t have a clue as to why. But you need to fix that. College will be ruined for you if you don’t, with or without Clint.”
“I don’t want to be without him.”
“You can’t control every variable though, either. Trying to is only going to end in failure. Which is what you’re anticipating anyway. Don’t be that person. Don’t do that self-fulfilling prophecy thing. I can tell you one thing.”
“What?”
“This thing you’re doing right now? This cyclical arguing with yourself while you talk yourself out of something that could be good for you? It’s the exact reason why your mother does what she does.”
I paused. “I’m not following.”
“You think your mother sits there with nothing to do all day and plots how she’s going to take your money? That’s certainly not the case. She’s scared, Rae. I’m sure she probably sits there, talking herself in circles. Telling herself why a job won’t work out or why it’s not worth putting in applications just for her to get her hopes up and everything blow up in her face. I bet in your mother’s eyes, she’s somehow saving herself from a lifetime of hurt. While, in the process, creating the hurt herself.”
I blinked. “Holy fuck.”
“Yeah.”
“Ho-lee. Shit.”
“Yeah, Rae.”
I drew in shallow breaths. “How do I stop it?”
Allison shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m not you.”
“I have to stop it, Allison. I can’t turn into her.”
“Well, now that you understand and recognize it, you can do what you need to in order to fix it. And you can start by talking with Clint tomorrow. Now, finish up in here and let’s get to bed. I need sleep.”
She closed the curtain and started cleaning up the water on the floor. Then she left me alone to dry off. My mind kept reeling with our conversation. One I knew I’d never forget. How did I let go of all this? How did I move forward? There was so much unknown. And none of it felt right. Not my major. Not this college. Not this hotel room. Not leaving. Not staying.
Clint feels right, though.
And I hurt him tonight.
Badly.
28
Clinton
The first thing I felt was my head. It felt as if someone had it in a vice. Cranking it tighter and tighter, trying to get my brain to slide out of my damn nose. Fucking hell, my head hurt. I couldn't open my eyes because even the darkness shook around me.
The second thing I felt, though, was my heart.
Except it wasn’t my heart. It was the black pit in the middle of my chest where my heart needed to be. It brought back memories of last night. Snippets of Rae’s angry face. Her harsh words. That girl, climbing into my lap.
Did I do something with that girl?
My jaw started aching. Followed quickly by my ribs. Holy hell, it felt like I had been run over by a truck. Some eighteen-wheeler, barreling down the highway at high speed. Flashes slammed against the shaking darkness behind my eyelids. Some angry dude. My fist against his face. His knees in my ribs.
No. You didn’t do anything. You just beat the shit out of some guy.
“You up?”
Mike’s voice rang in my ears. I groaned as I shifted onto my side. My body felt as if it were made of lead. Like the marrow of my bones was filled with the stuff. With every sharp breath of air I drew through my nose, more of my night came back.
The hot shower. Sleeping in Mike’s hotel room.
Rae constantly bombarding me with questions.
“Fuck,” I grunted.
The burp that came up my throat was rancid. It made me grimace and forced me out of bed. It felt like I was going to be sick. The floor underneath me tilted, trying to knock me off balance. I heaved myself out of bed and fell against the wall before the sound of scrambling was heard. All the sounds around me meshed into one as my arm lifted itself into the middle of the air.
Before coming down around something.
“Come on. Toilet. Now.”
I groaned. “Shut up. Your voice sucks first thing in the morning.”
Mike snickered. “Pretty sure that’s the hangov--fuck. There you go.”
My stomach ejected its contents as I fell to my knees against the hard floor. I groaned in pain before tears rushed the back of my eyes. I couldn't remember the last time I got so drunk it made me sick. Holy hell, puking was a terrible sensation. It felt like my body was being ripped apart. Limb from limb. My ribs felt as if they were trying to break through my skin. The pain behind my eyes mounted, as if it were trying to squeeze my eyes from their sockets.
What the fuck was coming out of my nose?
It’s my brain. I’m melting. I’m dying.
“Your nose is bleeding, dude. Hold on.”
Water ran and the toilet flushed. My heaves became dry as I sat back on my haunches. Something cold landed underneath my nose and I flinched. Someone’s hand clapped against the back of my head.
“Holy fuck, that hurt.”
Mike sighed. “Don’t move away. You’re really bleeding good, man.”
I sighed as I sat there, with the stench of vomit filling the air. Why the hell had I gone to that party last night? Hell, why the fuck did I come on this trip? I should’ve known Rae better than that. I should’ve known she would have wanted to do this alone. I mean, we’d been together almost a year. One year come next month. How the hell did I not know her better than this?
Maybe that’s why we’re not working out.
“All right. It’s finally slowing up. How’s your head feeling?”
I laughed bitterly. “That a serious question?”
Mike snickered. “I’m trying to figure out if you need breakfast, or another four hours of sleep.”
“Fuck, no food. Definitely no food.”
“Coffee? Water? Excedrin?”
I sighed. “All three?”
“Done, done, and double done. Except, maybe not something that thins the blood. Your nose is uh… well, yeah. Let’s just say if it starts up again, I’m taking you to a doctor.”
“Got it.”
I opened my eyes for the first time that morning and the world didn’t tilt. The pain in my stomach slowly subsided, but it only made room for the pain in my chest. My hand flew to my pec. I gripped it as the emptiness washed over me. How the hell could something so miniscule feel so death-defying? I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to storm into Rae’s room and demand the answers she hadn’t given me yet.
And yet, the rest of me wanted to lie back in bed and fall asleep for a few weeks.
“Okay, well. Yove got two choices. You can hang out here while I take a shower, or I can get you back to bed before I take a shower. What’s it gonna be?”