I coughed and choked as I thrust my head into the toilet.
“Maybe, next time, opt for some soup. Might come up easier.”
I groaned. “Shut up, Alli--oh.”
She rubbed my back and held my hair up as my entire life came up into the hotel room toilet. Two o’clock. My stomach woke me up at two o’clock and I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom. My entire body hurt. In between my heaving spells, Allison helped me get out of my clothes. I was in nothing but my bra now. Completely bare, except for my tits being held up.
“There we go. Think you got enough time to get this off?”
I felt her unfasten the bra and it slid down my arms. I coughed into the toilet. I spat. I tried desperately to get that taste out of my mouth. And as I sat back onto the floor, Allison finished getting my bra off my body.
Leaving me stark naked on the cold floor.
“I’m going to get you a shower going. You can sit down in it and finish getting sick there.”
I sighed. “I’d rather die.”
She snickered. “Don’t talk such nonsense. Once we get you showered and cleaned up, you’ll be fine.”
“I fucked everything up.”
I curled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself. I placed my head against my knees, wondering how the hell I’d fix this. I heard the shower turn on and the heat of the water called to me. I felt my stomach already gearing up for round three. Or was it four?
Allison helped me up.
“All right. In you go so I can clean up the bathroom.”
Tears rushed down my cheeks as I stepped inside.
“Holy shit, that’s hot.”
“Yep. And it’ll wash you clean. It’ll relax your body so you can get this stuff out of your system.”
I hissed. “Why did I insist we go to that party?”
She snickered. “Because you’re an idiot. That’s why.”
She closed the curtain and I sat down on the floor. I heard her cleaning up. Flushing the toilet. Spraying perfume around. I leaned against the wall and let my tears fall. And on the other side of the wall, there was nothing. I hadn’t heard a sound from the guys in a while. I mean, sure. I’d been asleep. But they had been making noise over there before I passed out.
Now there was nothing.
I sighed. “Do you think he’ll come back?”
Allison paused. “I’m not sure, actually. You really hurt him tonight.”
I tried not to cry anymore. “What did I say?”
“You really don’t remember?”
“Only bits and pieces of the night.”
“But not the fight?”
“No. Not really.”
“Convenient.”
I furrowed my brow. “What?”
She cleared her throat. “We can talk about this tomorrow. We’re all really tired, and I honestly don’t feel like recounting the night right now.”
“Must’ve been bad if you don’t want to talk about it.”
“Yeah, Rae. It was. And honestly, I’d like to know where in the world it came from.”
I shook my head. I opened my mouth and gargled some hot water just to get the taste of vomit off my tongue. How in the world could I explain my doubts to Allison? This fear that had been implanted within me? Would Clint understand if I tried explaining it to him? Probably not. I mean, he was very supportive. All the time. Hell, he’d offered to help me in any way possible with figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life!
It didn’t get better than that.
So why did I still have doubts?
“You awake, Rae?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Unfortunately.”
Allison sat next to the shower. “Don’t talk like that.”
“Well, it’s how I feel.”
“Still?”
“If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.”
She sighed. “You’ve been angry at the world for a long time now.”
“I’m always angry at the world.”
“Not in a brooding way, Rae. In a lashing-out kind of way. It’s been like this for weeks. Since before we graduated.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Want to know my theory?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“I think you’re upset that Clint doesn’t want to go to college.”
I snickered. “He can do whatever he wants with his life. Just like me.”
Allison laughed bitterly. “If you don’t want to have this talk now, you sure as hell won’t be able to have it tomorrow. So either get honest with yourself and own up to things, or shut up and deal.”
My eyebrows rose. “I’ve never heard you curse so much.”
“I’ve never been this upset with anyone before.”
“I’m sorry, Allison.”
“Me, too. For you and for Clint. So let’s try to sort at least a little bit of this out before tomorrow comes.”
“I love you.”
She stuck her hand in the shower. “I love you, too. So talk to me. Be honest with yourself for once.”
I gazed at the shadow beyond the shower curtain. The shadow of my wise, intelligent, beautiful best friend. I cleared my throat and gargled some water again. Trying to give myself some time to gather my thoughts.
“Clint’s been so good to me, you know. He deserves better than all this.”
Allison nodded. “Yes. He does.”
“And you’re right. I’m a bit upset with him that he won't go to college.”
“You know he doesn’t owe you that for helping him, right?”
I paused. “Who the hell said anything about him owing me?”
“That’s why you’re upset, right?”
“Hell, no. I’m upset because it wasn’t even a decision for Michael to follow you to school. But Clint doesn’t--”
She squeezed my hand. “You think Clint doesn’t want to be with you as badly as you want to be with him.”
I shrugged. “Wouldn't he want to come to college with me if he did?”
“Not necessarily. We all know school isn’t Clint’s thing. He talked all the time about sticking around home. At least for a little bit. It wasn’t like it came as a surprise.”
“I guess I was hoping he’d change his mind and come with me.”
“Can’t he come with you and still not do school?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. He doesn’t make it seem like that. He says he’s got responsibilities to his stepmom. Helping her stay afloat after the divorce and all.”
“And you want him to choose you over her.”
“No. Not at all.”
“That’s the only decision you’re giving him right now, from the sounds of it.”
“I just--” I groaned as I tried centering myself. “I just… wish things were different for him. For me. For us. It looks easy with you and Michael. Free rides. Aspirations. Dreams. Parents to pay for things.”
Allison snickered. “You think it’s easy for us? I’ve got parents that want all the doors in the house open when he’s around. I’ve got a father that still comes with us on dates.”
“Wait, what?”
She giggled. “Yeah, Rae. I envy the alone time you get with Clint. All the time, it seems.”
“I didn’t know any of this.”
“It’s not easy for us. It just looks easy because you’re seeing what you don’t have instead of seeing what you do. Michael and I? We’re just excited to get away from our parents. I’m shocked my parents agreed to me having an off-campus apartment with Michael coming to my same school. I can’t wait to have him over. Have some space to ourselves to just exist.”
“I just wish Clint wanted to follow me. That’s all.”
She squeezed my hand again. “Then tell him that.”
I shook my head. ‘I can’t tell him that.”
“Why not? Rae, you’ve helped him through so much--”
“Yes, to get to where he is now. Away from his father. And now, I’m supposed to be the one to tell him to leave the only shred of a parent he’s ever had to come with me? Really?”
She paused. “I guess I never looked at it that way.”
“Yeah, well, it’s the only way I’ve been looking at it. He has to want that for himself. Because otherwise, he’ll resent me for it. Me, always at school. Him, sitting around some studio apartment waiting for me. If he doesn’t want that for himself, he’ll eventually accuse me of isolating him or some shit. I know that happens. I’ve seen that happen.”
“Have you told him any of this?”
I licked my lips. “No.”
“Rae, I need you to listen to me. We all make mistakes. Lord knows Clint has made his fair share of them. But you two need to talk through this. You need to tell him how you’re feeling, because I know he’ll hear you out.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“Clint might be scared and hurt, but he’s not stupid.”
“I know he’s not stupid.”
“And he’s not fragile. Or weak. He can take this. He can take anything. But if you keep babying him, nothing is going to get fixed.”
I sighed. “I know.”
“I mean, I hate to say it, but there was probably some truth to what you said at the party.”
I snickered. “Are you going to remind me what I said now?”