I heaved. “Oh, shit.”
“That good? Great. Well, Michael’s got Clint. They’re headed out front. Maybe we should try and wash you off long enough to get you out there.”
Another knock came at the door and I vomited again.
“Just kidding. Ten more minutes, and then we’re going to meet them out there at the Uber. All right?”
She rubbed my back and I started crying.
“Rae?”
Between the heaves, I sobbed. I pressed my cheek against the rim of the toilet and let it all hang out. With my ass crack halfway out of my jeans and my tits shoved up against the warm porcelain, I heard Allison murmur something about a disaster. I didn’t care, though. I felt more inclined to cry myself the river that almost swallowed Clint whole all those months ago than pick myself up.
I was tired of picking myself up.
“Why did he leave?” I asked.
Allison paused. “What was that, honey?”
“Why did Clint leave? Why didn’t he just stay?”
“From the sounds of it, he’s pretty--”
I sniffled. “Why didn’t he let me help him with things? Why couldn't I have stayed with him and Cecilia?”
She sighed. “Are you talking about last year?”
I drew in shuddering breaths. “I just wanted him to take me back so I could help, Allison.”
“I know. And he did take you back. You’re together, honey.”
“Not really. Not since them. He’s staying for her. For his stepmother. He doesn’t wanna come with me because she’s family and I’m not family and I’ll never see him again because he’ll find someone closer and he won’t be able to come see me because he doesn’t have a bike and he doesn’t want to move in with me because he hasn’t brought it up because he doesn’t love me, Allison.”
She snickered. “Oh, boy.”
I sniffled. “And all I wanted was for him to love me and for him to like me and for him to always be with me and then he left when things got hard. So how do I know he’s not going to leave when college gets hard? When I get stressed and frustrated and hard to be around?”
“I mean, he’s doing a good job of sticking around right now.”
“Yeah, until I leave to go to college and he’s free to do whatever because I’m not around to do anything with and he finds someone else. Maybe he’s using college as a way to distance us. Maybe if I stay with Mom, he’ll stay with me.”
She dropped next to me. “No, Rae. You have to get away from your mother. Even Clint knows that.”
“Then why won’t he come with me like Michael’s going with you?”
She rubbed my back. “Is that what this is about?”
I heaved. “I thought he’d want to come to college with me and move in with me and we could live our lives together and never look back but he’s staying for Cecilia so maybe I should stay with Mom until he’s ready to move away and make a life for himself.”
“Honey, you have got things so backwards it’s sickening.”
Snot dripped from my nose. “Yeah, I know I’m sick.”
And as I went back to dry-heaving into the toilet, I continued to cry. I cried and I cried. The bathroom filled with fumes from my ass, and still I cried. I cried until my voice was hoarse. Until my eyes were so swollen I couldn't see out of them.
Then I felt Allison pull me away from the toilet.
“All right. Come on. Time to go home.”
I sighed. “I don’t have a home.”
And there it was. The five words I’d been scared to utter for months. Clint was my home. And without him coming to college with me, I didn’t have a home.
I had nothing without him.
24
Clinton
“I don’t understand why she can’t just talk to me. I mean, am I hard to talk to? Do I seem hard to talk to?”
The girl in the bikini sat beside me, twirling a strand of her hair around her finger.
“I don’t think you’re hard to talk to at all… what did you say your name was?”
I hiccupped. “Clint. Clarke Cli--no. Clint Clarke.”
She giggled. “I’m Ashley.”
I nodded. “That’s right. The triplet.”
Her hand settled against my thigh. “Uh huh.”
“You know, I miss her. I miss what we used to be. All the good times and the laughs and the random pastry runs to our coffee house. I mean, we have our own coffee house. And now we have nothing. She’s just… we’re nothing, you know? At least, it feels that way.”
“That’s not really fair to you.”
“It’s not fair to her, either. I just want her to be happy, and she’s not. And I don’t know what to do. She tells me she needs space, then she’s knocking on my door at three in the morning. She tells me she needs time away, and then she’s hopping on my dick.”
“Oh, lucky girl.”
I snickered. “She changed me. I mean, for the better. Like, she’s awesome. You’d like Rae.”
“Mmm, I bet I would. Does she like girls?”
“Eh, I don’t know. She’s got Allison as a friend, but I don’t see her hanging out with so many--”
I hiccupped and it felt like the alcohol was talking back at me. I managed to not puke at the bar, but I knew I needed to get away from that drinking contest. I stumbled up the porch and flopped back down into the porch swing. Just swinging back and forth. Trying to figure out how the hell things got so far out of control.
And this awesome girl was willing to talk to me about it.
“Tell me more about you,” she said.
I snickered. “Me? Well, I’m not the same guy I was before Rae, you know? My father was a dick. I mean, just as absolute asshole. Left me with my stepmom and it’s the best thing he ever did for me.”
“What’s your favorite color?”
I grinned. “The color of Rae’s cheeks when she blushes.”
She giggled. “What’s your favorite vacation spot?”
“Anything with Rae in it. Maybe a nice field somewhere. With a cabin, and a lake. Me working on my book.”
I felt my head falling forward before it snapped back up.
“Oh, so you’re an author? I bet you make tons of money.”
I barked with laughter. “I wish. Maybe one day. Then I can get that cabin in the field with the lake and a great big bedroom to--”
The girl in the bikini--what was her name again?--snuggled tightly against me.
“--to what, handsome?”
I sighed. “To make love to the woman I love. Forever and ever. Until she smiles and all her worries fade away. That’s all I want. For my woman to be happy. With me. While we’re both succeeding. But what if she doesn’t want that?”
She leaned her head on my shoulder. “Oh, you are just so hurt and wounded, you know that? Sitting here, looking all pathetic.”
“Yeah, maybe that’s it. Maybe I’ve become too soft for her. Maybe I need to man up. Buck up. Take the reins back for a little while. Maybe that’s the issue. She feels like the man in this relationship and not the woman.”
She snickered. “You really are something, you know that? I think I know just how to heal you, too.”
My eyes widened as her hand fell against my cock. I jumped as she got up, crawling into my lap.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I’ve got a girl--”
She giggled. “Yeah, don’t worry. They all do, until they don’t.”
Her lips leaned into mine and I dodged her. Though my movements were slow. She ground her ass into my pelvis and I practically tried pushing her off me. Why the hell were my movements not coordinated enough?
“Like it a bit rough, huh?”
She reached for my wrists and pinned the down.
“What the--? Get off me. Hey!”
“Mmm, you really are strong, huh?”
“What the fuck is going on!?”
The guy’s voice boomed over my head and the girl shrieked. Fucking hell, what in Satan’s hell was her name? She quickly stood from my lap and I rolled off the porch swing, crawling on all fours to try and get away. The world tilted around me again. I felt something grip the back of my shirt before hoisting me up. I stumbled to get on my feet as the guy turned me around, then pinned me to the porch column.
“What the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend?”
I held my hands up. “We were just talking and she came on to me.”
His nostrils flared. “Bullshit.”
“I-I-I--I’m serious. I’m here with my girlfriend, too. Not the best night. But we’re getting through it.”
“Yeah, by fucking around with my girl.”
He tossed me to the porch and people started gathering around. I didn’t want to cause any more of a scene at this damn party. Not with Rae walking about high as a kite somewhere. I got up and tried to get off the porch, but no one let me move. They crowded around us, blocking my only two exits. And while I could have jumped off the porch, every time I looked over the edge it felt like I was looking into the darkness.
I felt like I was on that damn bridge again, with that car chasing me.
I swallowed hard. My forehead started sweating. The more I looked over the edge, the more my hands shook. Flashes of that night came barreling back. The sound of the horn. The screeching of the tires. I felt myself teetering. My heart sank to my toes. I blinked a few times to try and clear the hazy fog from my vision. Only to feel something dripping down my cheek.