And as I tipped the disgusting wine cooler up to my lips, the voice in my head finally got drowned out. I stumbled backward, my hand catching me against the bar as I opened my throat. I let it slide down, mingling with the chips and the cheese and the crackers. Trying to find anything else to focus on.
Like the churning force inside my stomach reach to protest my actions.
23
Raelynn
I didn’t like the realization. I didn’t like the idea of Clint not loving me. Of him never having loved me. I pushed myself off the couch and tore through the crowd, stumbling against people that cursed me out.
“Fucking hell, bitch. Get out of the way.”
“That’s my man. Go get your own.”
“The fuck!?”
“Rae!”
I sighed. “Leave me alone, Allison.”
I heard her hot on my heels and all I wanted was for her to leave me alone. I wanted to go back to the hotel. I wanted to go home. And I didn’t even know where home was! It sure as hell wasn’t with my mother. She couldn't care less about me and what I wanted. All she gave a shit about was money. What I could give her. What bills I could pay so she could be a lazy bitch. I had no home. Not with Clint. Not with Allison and Michael while they sucked each other’s faces off.
I have to get out of here.
“Rae!”
“Leave me alone!” I shrieked.
I pushed through the kitchen and it felt as if the walls were closing in around me. Everyone multiplied and it felt like I couldn't move. Couldn't breathe. Couldn't take a step without knocking into someone. My chest rose and fell quicker than normal. My heart leapt into my throat. My palms started sweating and my back started aching and my muscles locked up.
“Rae? Where are you?”
Allison’s voice sounded so far away.
I need quiet.
I felt my body careening to the side as someone shoved into me. I felt pairs of hands on me as the room knocked me around like a damn pinball in a machine. I couldn't get my bearings. Everyone had turned into blurs. I couldn’t focus. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t see straight.
Space. I need space.
My back fell against the wall and a door burst open beside me. I yelped, watching as a guy came out of the bathroom. The most horrendous smell followed behind him. The smell of shit and puke. But the safe haven of the bathroom called to me. And I sucked it up enough to slip inside and lock myself in.
“Rae!”
Allison pounded on the door as I drew in quick breaths through my mouth.
“Rae! Open up, please!”
She pounded again as I looked around the small bathroom.
It wasn’t any bigger than a half bath. Just enough room for a sink and a toilet. It smelled like death in here. But I was alone. I closed the toilet and sat down before reaching for the air freshener. I sprayed it around me. All over the floor. All over my clothes. All around in the air. Trying to mask that god-awful smell as Allison kept shaking the fucking door on its hinges.
“Will you stop it!?” I screamed.
The knocking ceased and I sighed with relief.
“Please let me in, Rae. Let someone in.”
The pleading of her voice made me sigh.
“Just leave me alone. I just want to be alone.”
“I know that’s not true, Rae. I know you think that’s what you want, but I know it’s not what you actually want.”
I scoffed. “And what do I actually want, genius?”
“Someone you don’t always have to take care of.”
I sniffled. “Please, go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Not until you let me in.”
“Then you’ll stand out there all night.”
“Can you get her out of there? I have to take a piss.”
Allison hissed behind the door. “Go upstairs, asshole. I’m talking right now.”
My eyebrows shot up. “Did you just say ‘asshole’?”
“Well, if you weren’t acting like one I wouldn't have already made the connection.”
I snickered. “Thanks.”
“What in the world is going on right now? Do you not want to be with Clint anymore?”
“I’m not talking about this through the door.”
“It’s either that, or you let me in. There’s no other option. So take the help.”
I laughed bitterly. “You think this is helping?”
“Well, getting high and drunk isn’t helping. So let’s try another route.”
I sat there, staring at myself in the mirror. My skin had grown pale. My eyes had become sunken in. The bags underneath them were beginning to become a problem as the world tilted around me. I closed my eyes. I drew in deep breaths. I didn’t know what I wanted. But I knew I didn’t want this.
“Don’t shut me out now. Please,” Allison begged.
I sighed as I reached over. I unlocked the door and heard her quickly slip in. Her flats slid along the floor as she closed the door. But I didn’t hear her lock it.
“You’re going to have to--”
“Here we are. All right,” Michael said.
I rolled my eyes. “Of course he’s with you.”
He closed the door, then locked it. “Yeah, because that’s what good partners do. They look after those they love.”
I snickered. “Glad you're an expert in love now.”
Allison pulled me up onto my feet. “You want to tell us what’s going on now?”
“And why aren’t you with Clint, Michael?”
He shrugged. “He stormed off. Seems you two have that in common.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course he did. Because it always has to be about him.”
Allison shook her head. “No it doesn’t. You feel like that because you met him during a time when he needed help. And a lot of it. Now you need some but, for some reason, you’re not letting him help.”
Michael sighed. “You’re not letting any of us help.”
My face fell. “Because I don’t need it.”
Allison waved her hand in the air. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, I don’t care what you’ve got going on right now. I love you, but I don’t care. The only thing I care about is whether or not you’re happy. And you haven’t been happy for a while. So you can either talk to us, or you can keep it all inside until you explode and alienate everyone around you. Those are your two choices.”
I rolled my eyes. “Like you’re an expert.”
Michael groaned. “Come on. I’m going to go find Clint. We just need to get them out of here so they can sleep this shit off.”
I paused. “Wait, he’s not with you?”
Michael shook his head. “I told you less than a minute ago that he stormed off. You don’t remember that?”
I shook my head slowly. “No, I don’t.”
Allison sighed. “All right. Time to go back to the hotel. Michael, go find Clint. We can flag down a cab, or call an Uber, or something like that once we get out of this stupid house.”
I panicked. “Where’s Clint? I need to see Clint.”
Michael snickered. “Yeah, well. Don't kick him in the balls before storming off next time. A dude’s got feelings, too.”
My gut churned with guilt. He was right. I’d completely obliterated Clint before I stormed off. Wait a second, I was in a bathroom? How the hell did I--? People were standing too close to me. The walls were caving in again. They undulated and pulsed, like the blood rushing through my veins.
“Five minutes.”
“Rae, you okay?”
“Go get Clint. I’ve got her.”
“She’s going to puke.”
I nodded. “Yep. Yep, I am.”
The guilt turned my stomach. And the alcohol took over. I whipped around and opened the toilet back up with just enough time to erupt. I fell to my knees, shaking as tears streaked my cheeks. I felt someone gathering my hair back before blowing cool air against my sweating skin.
“Worst. Night. Ever,” Michael murmured.
Allison sighed. “Just go get Clint. Go. I’m serious. Get the hell out of here.”
Michael paused. “Did you just curse?”
I heaved. “Go, damn it!”
Feet scurried across the floor before someone groaned outside. The bathroom door closed and I heard someone flip the lock. It kept coming. And coming. And it hurt like hell. Now I realized why the bathroom smelled the way it had when I first came in. Because with every heave, my asshole opened up, letting out gas that could knock over a damn horse brigade.
“I’m sor--fuck.”
Allison sighed. “Just save it for the morning.”
“Please, I--oh.”
“Seriously. Stop talking. You’re going to aspirate if you keep it up.”
It felt like my stomach was tying itself in knots. And the entire time, tears dripped into the toilet. Every once in a while, Allison flushed. She picked up the air freshener and sprayed it right on my ass crack hanging out of my jeans. My shirt kept riding up. Why was my shirt riding up? And every time I pulled it down, my jeans fell lower.
“Oh, fuck.”
A knock came at the door and I heaved again. I heard Michael’s voice, but it sounded far away. I felt my body slipping into nothingness, into a dark expanse that I wanted to swallow me whole and never spit me back out. I’d never felt so miserable. So lost. So afraid before. Was this what a panic attack felt like?
Because I felt more panicked than I ever had in my life.
Allison’s voice sounded in my ear. “All right. How we doing down here?”