Have I turned into my father?
“Don’t think that,” Mike said.
I scoffed. “You don’t even know what I’m--”
“You’re wondering if you turned into the asshole that raised you. And I can tell you, that’s not anywhere near true.”
I rolled my eyes. “Seems to me like it is.”
“Clint, Rae isn’t acting this way because of what you’re doing to her. She’s acting this way because she doesn’t understand how to mitigate her stress levels properly. I love her, but she’s always felt as if the world sits on her shoulders. Like she has to save it all in order for her to mean something.”
“That’s because she’s always had to be the strong one.”
He shrugged. “Maybe so. But at some point in time, that type of mindset is going to become destructive. It’s going to wear her down. She has to learn at some point that she doesn’t owe the world anything. That she can’t save everyone. That it’s okay for things to not go as planned. Even if she has to learn it the hard way.”
“I don’t want her learning the hard way. The hard way hurts.”
“And yet, if that’s what she chooses to do, you can’t do a damn thing about it.”
I shook my head. “I hate that you’re right.”
He chuckled. “Me, too.”
“Do you really think she’s afraid of bringing me with her, though? You think she’d have a better college experience if--”
“Don’t even say it, Clint. You know that girl is head over heels for you.”
I shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I’m good for her. At least, not right now in her life.”
“Is that how you really feel about it? Or are you trying to justify how she feels and convince yourself her way is the right way? Because I have to tell you, you do a lot of that with her.”
I blinked. “What?”
Mike grinned. “You do a hell of a lot of bending over backwards for her and always seeing her point of view on things. The first time I ever saw you stand up to her and speak your piece was when you fought her about applying to college. Maybe this is what she needs. Someone bucking up to her and showing her that she doesn’t always have the answers. Maybe that’s how she learns this lesson.”
“I just wanna love her, man.”
“Then love her. But don’t feel like loving her means always leaning to her side.”
I snickered. “When the hell did you get so wise?”
He gasped playfully. “Clinton. I’m hurt. I’ve always been wise. I just haven’t had anyone to be wise with.”
I rolled my eyes and he clapped me on the back. I stood there waiting for Ally to bring back Rae. The throng of people went back to their party after witnessing the drama.
But they didn’t reappear.
And it made me sick to my stomach.
“Well, it’s pretty clear she doesn’t want me at this party,” I said.
Mike sighed. “Dude, you can’t think about--”
“And if she didn’t want me here, then she should have come alone. Left me at the hotel. Or back home, for all I care.”
“Wait a second, I thought we ended this shit on a good note. What’s happening? Talk to me.”
I shrugged off Mike’s hand. “You’re right, but I’m also right. It’s been very clear to me all night that she hasn’t wanted me here with her. At her side. Hanging out with her and making memories. She didn’t want me on campus with her. She didn’t want me to help her with her mother before we came here. If she didn’t want me around on this damn trip, she shouldn't have brought me.”
“Co--come on, Clint! Please, don’t be a drama queen.”
I shook my head and made my way off the porch. If Rae needed space, then I needed space. I stormed around the house and made my way into the backyard. I headed straight for the makeshift bar, reached behind it and picked up two beer bottles. I cracked both of them open, then turned around and held one out.
Knowing damn good and well Mike would be there to take it.
“You sure about this?” he asked.
I clinked my bottle against his. “To not chasing the girls down.”
He sighed. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
I chugged the beer back and my love for it came rushing to the forefront of my memory. I groaned with every gulp. I sighed with relief at the burn working its way down my throat. I tossed the empty bottle in the trash can before reaching for another one, cracking it open on the edge of the bar.
And as I threw the second one back with ease, a crowd gathered around me.
“Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Yeah!”
The crowd cheered as I tossed the second one into the bin. I reached for another and broke that one open with my fucking teeth. I held the bottle up and spit the cap out, watching in my peripheral as Mike stepped away. The crowd shut him out, pushing him all the way to the back as he stumbled around with the beer in his hand.
And as I watched him make his way into the house, I gulped down my third consecutive beer.
“Chug that beer! Chug that beer! Chug that beer! Yeah!”
I had people step up to compete, throwing up before getting their second beer down. People offered me shots and I chased them back with beers and cocktails. I filled my stomach with more alcohol than I’d had in months. It tasted amazing. I felt myself relaxing. And as the crowd of college students slowly grew around me, I found myself in a drinking contest with three other muscley men.
“My money’s on the bald one.”
“Nope, the one in the blue shirt.”
“My money’s on the guy still drinking. Get him, freshy!”
I chuckled at the nickname as all care and accountability for my life fell to the wayside. I felt the old Clint emerging. But I welcomed it. I didn’t stuff him down or try to get him to go away. I brought him out to play as I made new friends. Girls in scanty outfits offered me snacks to soak up the alcohol, winking at me. And all I did was nod. None of them held a candle to Rae. Not in body, not in spirit, and not in soul. I wanted to drink until Rae’s memory fell away from my mind. Until her words were drowned out by the beer and tequila washing through my system.
I wanted to drink until I didn’t remember this night at all.
Because if she could, then so could I.
“Yeah!” the kids cheered.
“I’m Leslie.”
“I’m Carlie.”
“I’m Ashley.”
I snickered. “You three plan those names, or what?”
They giggled. “Or what.”
When I finally looked over at their unanimous answer, I found myself staring at triplets. Fucking triplets. Brown-haired, doe-eyed beauties with massive tits and beautiful hips. One of them wore nothing but a bikini. Another one wore a long shirt and knee high socks with her boots. The last one was clad in glasses with her hair pulled back. Definitely nailing the librarian sort of look.
“Want a drink, ladies?” I asked.
The one in the bikini stepped up. “Actually, I want to challenge you!”
The crowd roared and all the guys shoved their way to the front. My eyebrows rose as she giggled, but her giggle wasn’t quite like Rae’s. It was harsher, with a snort at the end. Not light and airy and carefree, like Rae’s. Still, I ushered her up to the front and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I knew girls that could drink. No use in denying her a shot to drink me under the table.
Which I knew would never happen.
She smiled before taking her first shot. Then another. She chugged back a beer before wiping her spindly little lips. Then she handed me a beer and picked one up for herself before nodding her head. Silently counting down from five.
And when she hit one…
“Go!” she exclaimed.
The bottle hit my lips and I tilted my head back. And as I drowned my sorrows in cheap-ass college-town beer, Rae’s words spun through my head. I didn’t want anyone else but her. I didn’t want another girl in my life. But she’d obviously been thinking about life after me.
That was painfully clear from her words.
I mean, she’d said it. Just like that. She’d taken care of herself and protected herself before me, and she’d do it after I was gone. Those were her words. She saw a life after me, and I didn’t see a life after her. I saw a future with her. But nothing else. I didn’t see my life without Rae in it. Without her love, and her support, and her beauty, and her intelligence, and her help, and her body.
I hadn’t once considered the idea of being with anyone but her.
But she had apparently considered it.
You didn’t give her enough romance.
I slammed the beer bottle down and found the girl staring at me.
“Took you long enough, handsome.”
You didn’t give her enough space when she needed it.
She handed me a shot and I threw it back.
“Looks like he enjoys his tequila!”
Maybe your cock isn’t good enough anymore.
She placed a snack in my hand and I threw it back.
“Ready for round two?”
Maybe she just doesn’t love you anymore because you're a pathetic loser with no future and no college degree and no aspirations like she has.
I hiccupped as I reached for another drink. Any drink. Whatever drink someone had for me.
“Five, four, three, two, one!”
Just drink until you don’t care anymore. It’ll happen. It always did before.