Doll Face(26)
“I have to take responsibility for the things I've done.” My stomach clenches and the skin around my wound pinches, giving me a sharp bite of pain that makes my nose wrinkle. If there's anybody in this room that needs to take responsibility, it's me. It's partially my fault that his babies lost their mothers. I knew and I didn't do a damn thing about it. “I have two daughters that need me more than ever.” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “Okay, really, all four of my kids need me, but Lydia and Phoebe more than anyone are going to need a stable life and … a parent.” Ronnie coughs again and shakes his head. I can see his hands trembling as he fists them into the comforter. At first, I think maybe he's off his guts, like he's been slammin' dope in the bathroom or something, but then I realize that that's not it all. He's just upset. I take another drag and look away, towards the food cart and not at him.
“But Lydia and Phoebe, I can't leave them with their grandparents. As soon as we get settled into the mansion … ” Ronnie pauses and a chuckle warms his words. I look back over at him and feel a tiny smile tease my lips. “That sounds so Goddamn ridiculous, doesn't it? Into the mansion. Wow. How did I get here again?”
“You play bloody brilliant music.” I cut myself off before I can add and I helped a madman fuck you over, while we all got played by a madwoman. “You deserve this,” I say, and I mean it. I really do. “Ronnie, your daughters, are you sure you're comfortable with them being around someone like me?” I ask, dreading the answer to that question. Ronnie lifts his head and turns slowly to look at me, an expression of bafflement on his face.
“Lola,” he says, struggling to find the right words. Ronnie runs a hand through his dark hair. “You're twenty-two years old, talented, gorgeous. What are you even talking about? My kids would be lucky to have someone like you in their lives. Fuck, I'd be … beyond lucky to have you in mine.” His voice trails off and he looks away, squeezing his eyes shut, rubbing at his temple with his fingers, the ones with 'V' and 'E' inked on them. “I don't even feel right asking this of you, but … I have to take care of my kids.” He licks his lower lip and drops his hand to his lap. “And I feel like I need you here with me.” Ronnie stands up and turns to face me, reaching out and snagging my cigarette. He puts it out in an empty glass and lights up another one, putting it between his lips as he turns towards the windows. The curtains have been pulled back and California sunshine is spilling through, dripping across the carpet in golden bars. “I fucking can't even believe I'm doing this because we don't really know each other, but … ” Ronnie blows silver smoke into the air and shakes his head. His snake tattoos draw my eyes, the brightness of the reptiles a stark contrast against his pale skin. Now that's he laid off the drugs for a while, it's got some color to it, but I guess underneath all that pastiness, he's still a white guy.
I smile a little and he sees the expression, his own softening in response.
“But you want to be with me?” I ask, hoping beyond all reason that that's true. “It's bloody fucking ridiculous, but I … I feel it, too.” I cringe and shake my head, putting my hands up to my face. “Ugh, this is why I always say no to drummers.” I drop my hands and point at Ronnie. “Y'hear me, mate? You fuckers are too intense.”
“Lola.” My name drips from Ronnie's lips like a smoldering ember, and I have to really dig my fingers into the sheets to keep still. If I throw myself in his arms and blood comes squirtin' out my side, it could very well ruin what's turning into an awkward but somewhat pleasant moment. “I had love once. Hard-core, drop everything for this and run, true fucking love. I had it, and I lost it.” His voice starts to quiver, and I feel my own eyes watering. I know all about Ronnie's lost love. I had to research his life as part of my 'mission'. Fuck. What a lousy, cock sucking piece of shit I am. “Asuka Maebara. I thought she was the only woman I could ever love, but I think … no, I know that you have that same spark for me, Lola.” Ronnie moves back over to the bed and reaches down to grab my chin in gentle fingers, drawing my gaze back to his. “You're my second chance, Lola. My only chance. If it's not you, then it's nobody. But if I have to wait, until my kids are grown or until you're ready or what the fuck ever, I will. I will wait for you.”
“Don't be stupid,” I snort, but I can feel my eyes watering again. “You don't have to wait for shit. I'm here, Ronnie, and this is where I intend to stay. If you'll have me, of course.”