“Oh, no, baby.”
“He pushed me out in the rain, lightning, and thunder. It was late on Christmas night. No one was on the road. He made me…walk home.”
“Lily, I’m so sorry. You could’ve been struck by lightning.”
“I think I nearly was, once or twice. My choices were to curl up in a ditch or keep moving. I knew he wouldn’t come get me. I…”
“What, Lily?”
Lily fingered a scar on her palm as she continued. “I crawled part of the way home, to stay closer to the ground. I’ve n–never been so scared in my life. I reexperienced that every time it stormed, but while I lived with him, I never let him see how much it scared me ever again. No matter what. He was very proud of curing me. If he’d known, he would’ve done it to me all over again. All that has been building up for years, I guess.”
His lips were gentle, consoling her with light strokes on her forehead and her temple, kissing the scar on her hand which she’d injured on a broken bottle while trying to get home that night. His caresses mirrored on her body what he did with his mouth.
She still jumped with each flash of lightning and peal of thunder, but she felt her center began to calm. The tight knot in her stomach loosened, and for the first time in years she felt marginally relaxed in the middle of a lightning storm. His body heat soaked through her flannel pajamas, into every part of her that was pressed against him, and she finally realized he was bare everywhere she touched him. His skin was hot, firm over his muscles and smooth under her fingertips.
Clay distracted her from her discovery when he asked, “Lily, what happened?”
“I don’t understand your question.”
“The girl I once knew would kick someone’s ass for picking on someone littler than them. How did you wind up with him?”
Isn’t it obvious? “Look at me, Clay. My options dwindled over the years.”
“Look at you? I’ve been looking at you. Any man would get hard as a rock looking at you. That’s why I don’t understand. The fire inside you…where did it go?”
The languor that had stolen over her receded as thoughts of JT resurfaced. “He killed it. But it’s my fault. I liked that he took control at first. Sick as it sounds, I enjoyed turning control over to him. He decided one day we would get married. I looked in the mirror and thought ‘This is as good as it gets.’” She didn’t want pity from Clay, but he’d been encouraging her to talk honestly about what had happened to her.
Clay hugged her and said, “Judging by what you’ve told me and what I’ve seen of the bastard, he took sadistic delight in controlling and hurting you. What he did to you, the emotional and physical abuse he heaped on you, no one expects you to deal with that on your own. Have you made an appointment with the counselor Emma recommended yet?”
“No. I can’t afford it right now. I need to save as much money as I can for the house. I’ve been putting it off until…”
“Until what, baby? Until you break down completely? It’s likely that you have PTSD. Anybody would who had lived under those sorts of conditions. There’s no shame in seeking help, and I want the best for you. I’ll pay for the counseling if you’ll go.”
Lily smiled briefly, thinking Clay knew she’d never accept charity when she was able-bodied and could earn the money to pay for a doctor.
“I have a list of financial priorities and it’s farther down the list.”
“How frequent are your nightmares?” She hesitated, probably giving the answer away. “Be honest, baby.” His use of that endearment was undermining her efforts to see him as just her friend. The way it slipped off his tongue with greater frequency was very distracting.
“Every night,” she whispered, wishing she could say otherwise. He didn’t have to say another word, just let a long sigh slip from his lips. “All right. You have a good point.”
“And you’re not sleeping as much as you should, are you?”
Lily shrugged. “Sometimes when I wake from the nightmares I can’t go back to sleep. I have to do something. I can’t just lie in bed counting sheep, so I study.” She didn’t dare say she also utilized that time for extra workouts on the trainer. The machine was so quiet, often she doubled up studying at night with working out.
Sometimes it helped to tire her out so she could sleep, other times it just revved her up and didn’t allow her to go back to sleep at all. Being motivated to complete her online courses as quickly as possible and lose weight probably contributed to her wonky sleep habits.