I feel my cheeks heat up, and it’s all I can do to keep my eyes from darting around the room to see who’s watching.
“Will you take one of me and Wyatt?” Cassidy asks.
I lean forward to take the camera, hoping Ash will move her arm from behind my shoulder because I feel guilt creeping in and I want to keep it at bay. I hate feeling like my parents are staring down at me. I don’t want to feel like anyone is staring at me. I just want to enjoy the evening with Ashley like we used to, but I know those days are gone. I can’t look at her without wanting to kiss her. I feel like it’s tattooed on my forehead.
She moves her arm but places her hand on my thigh again. Her thumb moves in a slow circular motion beneath the edge of my dress. I close my eyes behind the camera lens, enjoying the tingling sensation it’s sending through my body.
“Dee, take the picture,” Wyatt snaps.
“Sorry.” Oh my God, I’m turning into a sex addict. I take the picture and hand him the camera, desperately needing to put some room between me and Ashley. I feel like the room is closing in on me. I wonder how my parents had the power to manipulate my thinking. Once I accepted that they had died, I really thought I’d just be able to move on and be myself. Part of me was, shamefully, relieved to have the freedom to finally act on my feelings. But there’s nothing easy about any of this. Guilt sinks into me with every dirty thought, with every clean thought, too. Just wanting to hold Ashley’s hand in public makes me remember my parents’ disturbed look from graduation day.
Right here, right now, I vow that if I ever have kids, I will never, ever make them feel bad about who they are.
Never.
That’s flippin’ great for my future children, but not for me. I still feel the need to put space between me and Ashley. I look around the room. Livi and Rusty are both swamped with customers, which gives me the perfect escape.
“Drinks. We need drinks. I’ll go order them from Tristan. What do you guys want?”
Wyatt stands. “I’ll get them. Relax. You just got here.”
I stand anyway. “We’ll both go. You can’t carry four drinks.”
“I’ll have whatever you’re having,” Ashley says with a smirk that tells me she knows exactly what effect she’s having on me, and she’s enjoying it way too much.
“Something fruity,” Cassidy answers.
“You’ve got it, babe.” Wyatt leans down and kisses her.
I long to kiss Ash, and I can tell the way she’s watching them that she’s wishing I would, too.
I feel a heavy hand on my shoulder before I hear Jesse’s voice. “Delly. Wow. You look hot.”
I turn, and he embraces me. I hate that my first thought is wondering whether he saw Ashley’s hand on my thigh.
“Hi, Jesse. Thank you.” I fidget with the edge of my dress as he looks over my shoulder at Ashley.
“Ash. How’s it going?”
“Really, really good, Jesse.” Her voice slides over my skin like liquid heat.
I need to get out of here before I climb into that booth and make out with my girlfriend.
Whoa. My girlfriend.
The fictitious spotlight is beaming at me again. I half expect someone to point at me and yell, Lesbian! She’s a lesbian!
Holy shit. I’m a loser, and totally fucked-up.
“I’m going up to get drinks. Want one?” I ask as fast as I can.
Jesse shakes his head. “I’m heading down to Brooke’s to help her out with moving some boxes. I just came by to tell you that Tim’s getting out of rehab soon. He did really well, and I thought you’d want to know.” Uncle Tim…My eyes shoot to Wyatt, who looks away for a beat. I don’t think Jesse knows that Wyatt’s visited Tim a few times since he went into rehab. I know by the clenching of Wyatt’s jaw what he’s thinking. He’s trying to figure out how to protect us from getting tied up in Tim’s mess again without pushing away my father’s best friend completely. Wyatt’s got a big heart and he’s smart. I know he’ll figure out the right thing to do, and I trust his judgment. It’s not like we were personally tied up in Tim’s gambling. He stole money from the Taproom, but now that we own the bar, it no longer feels like he stole from our parents. It feels like he stole from us. It’s definitely more personal.
Wyatt nods. “I know. I’ve been in touch with him.”
“You’re a good man, Wyatt.” Jesse puts his arm around Wyatt and lowers his voice. “But don’t be stupid. Don’t hire him back.”
“No chance of that.”
I steal a glance at Ash. She runs her tongue across her lower lip, and in that moment I wish I wasn’t embarrassed, because I’d slide right in beside her and claim that taunting mouth of hers with a kiss so passionate Wyatt would tell us to get a room. Since that’s not about to happen, I decide to give her a little torture of my own. My tie-dyed tank dress is loose and flowing. I lean down close, knowing she can see right down the neckline. Her eyes widen and fill with lust when she notices that I’m not wearing a bra.