I’ve never had a broken heart before. I always thought people were overly dramatic when they said their heart hurt. Now I know they weren’t being dramatic at all. Mine feels like someone’s squeezing it so tight it might pop.
“Can you just tell me why you’re crying? Is it Mom and Dad?” Wyatt rubs my shoulder. He’s so careful with me, always looking out for me, aware of how recently our parents died.
But this isn’t something he can fix. I’m in this alone, and I feel like I did right before walking into my finals. When my head was full of information and my mind was repeating, I have to pass, I have to pass, and it was all I could do to remember how to sit down and write my name. My head is full of everything I did with Janessa, of the things I had hoped to tell Ashley, of the image of her holding on to Drake. It’s too much. And if I hear about my parents’ deaths one more time, I’m going to lose my mind. I’ve been so afraid of anyone finding out that I’m a lesbian for so many years that I can barely think. My mind is fucking full of suppressed worries and heartache I can’t process another thing.
“Yes,” I finally yell. “Yes, I can tell you.” I’m so angry I’m shaking. I push to my feet and look past my brother, past Tristan and Jesse, who I know love me dearly and think I’ve lost my mind. I scan the crowd for the one and only person I want to share my feelings with, no matter how much it hurts. Finally I spot her blond hair. She’s standing next to Drake, staring into her drink and running her finger around the rim of her cup. She’s not holding on to him. She looks bored.
I’ve never seen Ashley look bored.
Ever.
Bored with Drake? Even better.
“Dee?” Wyatt’s voice brings me back to the moment as he rises beside me and touches my back. “What’s going on?”
I don’t need to look at him to know his green eyes are full of worry, which makes me feel bad for shutting him out, but not bad enough to keep from doing it.
“I could tell you guys, but you’re not who I need to tell.” I stomp across the thick sand toward the only person I want. The only person I need.
I didn’t spend last night exposing myself to Janessa and all day today building up my courage just to sit down and cry about it. Ashley sees me as I push my way through the crowd. I’m sure I have a scowl on my face, and if smoke could come from my ears, it surely would. My entire body is corded so tight it feels like it’s going to explode as I reach for her hand and pull her behind me through the crowd. She stumbles to keep up as I break free from the throng of partygoers and head around the far side of the house. Away from the band. Away from the lights of the party and the prying eyes of our guests. I want her all to myself. Her full attention without any distractions. If I can’t have that, I know I’ll chicken out.
We step out of the light and into the shadow of the house, and I release her hand. She steps in close, breathing hard.
“Jesus, Delilah. What’s wrong? Did I piss you off or something?”
It’s pitch-black, but I still feel too exposed. I pull her into the dark alcove by the laundry-room door. The second we step onto the decking, I feel buffered from everything and everyone, like there’s only me and Ashley. I don’t have a plan, and I definitely don’t know what I’m going to say. I’m breathing so hard I hope I can manage something intelligent. I hear her breathing at the same frantic pace as I am—probably from being dragged away from the party by a crazy person.
I step closer, trying to bring her face into focus. Our thighs touch, and fire races through my chest. It’s a whole different feeling from what I experienced last night when I was with Janessa. This is hotter, sexier, more real. Ashley tightens her fingers around mine. I know she feels it, too. I want to see her eyes, and I don’t know if I’m using the darkness as an excuse or not, but I step impossibly closer, pressing her against the wall. Our lips almost touch, and her eyes—God, her incredibly sensuous brown eyes—go as dark as the night sky.
“Are you dating Drake?” I hate myself for saying it like an accusation, but I can’t stop myself.
“What? Why?” She squeezes my hand tighter.
“Just answer me, Ash. Yes or no.”
“No.”
Relief washes through me.
“No,” I repeat.
“No. Why?”
“I…” I’ve never done anything like this, and fear sinks into me, stealing the courage that drove me here in the first place.
She leans forward and presses her breasts to mine. Holy freaking hell. Never in my life have I been so turned on.