Discovering Delilah(64)
I exhale loudly and close my eyes.
“I wished they didn’t exist.” My admission comes as a whisper, and when Wyatt doesn’t respond, I wonder if I even said it. I open my eyes. Wyatt’s arms are crossed over the steering wheel as he stares straight ahead.
“I wished they didn’t exist,” I repeat, louder this time.
He looks at me. “I heard you.”
“Do you hate me?” Fear freezes like ice in my chest.
He shakes his head. “Do you know how many times I wished they didn’t exist, Dee? How many times I wished them away?”
“Yeah, but I did it right before we walked for graduation. After I told them I liked girls, when they gave me that look like they were so disappointed in me that they wished I didn’t exist. I wished it then, and then we walked for graduation, and then…” Tears spill down my cheeks. “After graduation there were pictures, and congratulations, and there was no time to talk about it. I thought we’d talk about it the next day when we went back home. And then…” My breath hitches in my throat. “And then they died, Wy. I wished they didn’t exist and then they were gone.”
Tears tumble down Wyatt’s cheeks. “It’s not your fault, Dee.” A statement, and he says it like a command. Like there’s no room for arguing.
But there is.
In my head there’s way too much room.
“Maybe it is. Maybe they crashed because they were too upset with me to concentrate.”
“No!” His fist rises, then comes down hard on the dashboard. “No, Dee. The tractor trailer crossed the line, and the driver was drunk. It wasn’t Mom and Dad’s fault, and it wasn’t your fault.”
“Maybe Dad was distracted. Maybe he could have gotten out of the way.” I cover my face with my hands and sob. “Maybe…”
“No! No! No! I’m not going to let you do this to yourself. Goddamn it, Delilah. You did not kill them!” He pulls me across the console and holds me tight. “You did not kill them,” he whispers.
He holds me for what feels like a long time, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour. I’m not sure. We pull ourselves together and drive in silence out to our house. We walk around back and sit on the steps to the deck, just the two of us. Wyatt puts his arm around me and I rest my head on his shoulder. It’s been a long time since we were alone.
“I’m sorry about that guy,” Wyatt says quietly.
“I know. I’m glad you didn’t hit him.”
He smiles. “I don’t hit anymore—you know that. Besides, he wasn’t worth it.”
“Yeah. You’re right.”
We sit for a while longer, comforted by the sounds of the ocean and the cool breeze coming off the water.
“Wy?”
“Yeah?”
“Maybe Mom and Dad felt the way they did because of how they were brought up.”
“Makes sense, but it doesn’t excuse them.”
I nod. “I know I don’t need their approval, but it still hurts, you know?” Tears stream down my cheeks again. I let them fall, because I feel like they’ve been buried so deep inside me that I’m just starting to skim the top of the well.
“I know.” He kisses my temple. “You don’t need anyone’s approval, but you know you have my support.”
“I know. Thank you.”
“I don’t know how to get past this, Dee. I wish I had the answers. I know how much you’re hurting, and I wish Mom and Dad were here right now, because I’d give them a piece of my mind.”
“I know you would.” I have no doubt that he’d go head-to-head with our parents on my behalf without giving it a second thought. “Wy?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for always being there for me.”
He holds me closer.
“But I think I have to move out.”
His hand stills on my shoulder. “What? Why?”
“Because my whole life I’ve been taken care of. Don’t get me wrong. I love you for it, and I loved them for it. But I think it’s time. Before I settle down in a relationship and move in with someone…I need to have my own space and know I can take care of myself.”
“You mean before you move in with Ashley?”
I shrug. “Maybe one day. I’m definitely falling for her.”
“She’s really cool, Dee. Like you. I’m happy for you both.”
Wyatt clasps his hands in front of him and leans his elbows on his thighs. “When are you thinking of moving out? I feel like you just got here after living at Brooke’s.”
I shrug again. “I’m not sure. I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about it.”