Discovering Delilah(34)

Baby steps.

I steal a glance at Ashley and catch her staring at me. She smiles, but she doesn’t look away. Everything about her intrigues me. I blush just knowing she’s staring at me, and she’s not at all embarrassed.

“Have you had many girlfriends?” I’m not sure where the question comes from, but once it’s out, I want to know her answer.

“Enough.” She sips her hot chocolate, holding my gaze.

“Enough? Girlfriends aren’t like ice cream cake.” I make my voice an octave higher and mock sarcasm. “I think I’ve had enough, thank you. Oh, no, not yet. I need a little more.”

She laughs and looks out at the water. “No, they’re not, are they? I said enough because I’ve had enough girlfriends to know how special you are.”

“Aw, Ash.” I reach for her hand, and she brings it to her lips and kisses it. She’s so much more romantic than any guy has ever been with me. I have the urge to ask her all the things we’ve never talked about. I want to know as much as I can about her.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“No, but I thought I was headed there once.”

She’s still holding my hand, and I wait for her to say more. When she doesn’t, I push a little.

“What happened?”

She releases my hand and looks down at her mug. When she looks up again, she scoots her chair over so she’s facing me, and our knees touch. She looks right at me, and it makes me nervous, like she’s going to tell me something bad.

“I want to tell you the truth, but you have to promise me you won’t assume the worst, because…well, because that will be easy to do, given what I’m about to say.”

My stomach lurches.

“Maybe you shouldn’t tell me.”

She smiled, still holding my gaze. “I want to.”

I swallow my fear and nod. “Okay.”

“I dated a girl named Sandy for a few months, and I thought we were happy together, but like you, she hadn’t come out yet. She kept telling me she was going to but she wasn’t ready, so I didn’t push her. We only saw each other at my place, never hers. And I started putting things together, like how she only saw me before ten at night and never on the weekends. We had a class together, but in public she didn’t acknowledge me as anything other than a friend, so it was awkward in that class and around our friends.”

She pauses, sips her hot chocolate, while I’m clinging to every second. I feel like she’s describing me. She hadn’t come out yet...In public she didn’t acknowledge me as anything other than a friend. I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing with me.

“Anyway, after a while I couldn’t take hiding our relationship anymore. I told her I needed more, and she wasn’t willing, so I ended the relationship.”

Ended the relationship.

No. No, no, no.

“I was heartbroken, and she…Well, she acted like it didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter. I found out shortly afterward that she had a boyfriend and was living with him in an apartment near campus. I wasn’t the first girl she’d had a fling with.” She looks away and says softly, “She used me. I was falling for her, and she was using me.”

“Ashley, I’m so sorry. Do you ever hear from her?”

She nods. “Sometimes she’ll send a random text, but I usually don’t respond.”

She leans back in her chair and pulls her knees up to her chest, then wraps her arms around them. “I promised myself that I would never again date someone who wasn’t out or pretend in public not to have feelings for someone I cared about.”

She lifts one shoulder almost imperceptibly. “And then came you.”

“Ashley…” I’m staring at her, but she’s not looking at me, and when she does, it’s with a pained look in her eyes.

“I asked you not to jump to conclusions.”

“Ash. How can I not? Why would you take a chance on me? I mean, you know I’m not seeing anyone else, but I don’t know how long it will take me to be comfortable in public. It could be tomorrow, but it could be weeks.” I don’t say, or months, which is what worries me most, because I don’t really know how to get past the hurdles I’m facing.

“I tried not to like you, and every time I tried to stop thinking about you, I only thought of you more. I already feel more for you than I have ever felt for anyone else. I don’t know how long I’ll be okay resisting you in public. I don’t even know if I’m okay hiding it for a day, much less longer, but I want to try to make this work.” She sets her feet back on the ground and reaches for my hand.